Hello and thank you for reading. Ok so this is my deal...I have been with my girlfriend for about two years now (madly in love head over heels blah blah blah you all heard it before) the only problem or issue I have with her is that she has been in a long lived relationship before me with a man. I'm not sure how to not let it get to me or how to let it go. The thought of her even kissing a guy drives me through the roof! Im not a jealous person I have no problem with her ex girlfriends and have even befriended them. But I just don't know to handle my feelings about that I am very much lesbian men gross me out in every way possible (no offense gay men you are different lol) from what she has told me was that they were off and on for 5 years and that she doesn't not like men she just"stuck around for the kids " oh did I forget to mention she has two kids by him? The kids live with the father. We get them during the weekend I have no troubles with the kids I understand no one asked to be here and would never take any of my feelings out on them they are just children! But its the fact of how they were made that bugs me. I have held in my feelings for awhile and can't seem to get any useful advice. Many nights I have had dreams of her with men and has literally made me sick. There has been times when the thought of her having sex with a guy has prevented me from kissing her and having sex with her. I dont know what to do to stop what I'm feeling I need advice before it becomes worse or the end of us! Thanks
Is she lesbian or bisexual? Did she just use him to cover her being lesbain or an actual exclusive relationship. I dont think you should let her past bother you so much.. Even though its easier said then done.. But shes with you now? Isnt that all that matters? =\ im really sorry your dealing with that, and feeling those things <\3
It's really easy for me to sit here and say "well, you should stop being so jealous for no reason", but it obviously isn't that easy. Honestly, I don't think there really is a solution to this. I mean, they're already over and she's dating you now. It's something you... just kind of have to get over. In the meantime, I'd suggest talking to her about it though. Open communication lets her know how you're feeling so that you aren't bottling everything up.
Thank you for your comment and she is lesbian now but was straight then it was not a cover up she even married for awhile to him. I know I shouldn't let it get to me trust me I know better I just can't stop my feelings. No matter how many times I have tried to talk sense into myself. My mind knows better than what my heart is allowing me
I know it must be really hard to deal with those feelings but I think you should try talking to her about it and just let her know how you're feeling. It's not helpful to keep those feelings inside. Sometimes the head and the heart are on two different wave lengths and that can be really difficult.
I have honestly sat down and spoke about this to her and it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I love her to much to make her feel bad about anything that didn't involve me so I don't want to mention it to much its my issue not a mistake on her part. She did have two beautiful kids out of it so it would kill her to think I didn't love her kids which is not the case what so ever. I just don't want to hurt her by feeling what I am. I just want to get over it
Is this bothering you because she has been with men before, like you are totally disgusted by her actions or because she was into men before and could be possibly again. If its really bothering you and you really can't seem to get over it then maybe speaking to a counsellor will help, maybe you have some underlying issues that are causing these feelings.
It is the actions yes. I just think sex with men is so disgusting! To know what was having sex with her before me like I said I have no problems with her ex girlfriends at all. It doesnt bother me to hear about her past sexual experiences as long as it was with women. It's not a jealous factor at all
I don't think jealousy is the issue here, as you point out. If jealousy were a problem, then you'd feel the same way about her past girlfriends, and you point out - you don't. And of course, this isn't anything she can fix or change, it happened in her past before the both of you were together. She can't turn back time. So, I guess the big question that needs to be asked is this: why do you find men so gross? You pointed out that you don't find gay men gross, so I'm assuming you find bi-sexual and straight men gross. Did you have a bad experience with a man in your past? I think there has to be something deeper going on here, because the cause seems not to be with your girlfriend and her past, but with your view of men (or rather straight / bisexual men in particular).
Thank you for your response and yes I know there is nothing she can do I wouldn't want to make her feel bad for something she can't change or fix. I understand we all have a past I know it was her and I before it was us but my feelings I can't control. I'm a pretty sensible person and its driving me crazy that i cant stop what I'm feeling. Men are gross to me for many reasons I don't want to offend anyone not my intentions. And yes I think u hit the nail on its head. I always felt as though it was my unresolved past that has lead me to feel this way about hers. trust me I have thought long and hard about this problem, trying everything I can to fix it. I don't like to know that she loved a guy and was with one. No I don't like straight men and no I have never been with a guy. My past is difficult I won't get into that but I have gotten past it. Now with this issue coming up it makes me think if I am really past it.
You shouldn't blame yourself for your feelings. They exist. It doesn't make you a bad person, the issue is that they're getting in the way of you being happy. You aren't offending anyone here, and even if you were - that's their problem. You have an issue that you're trying to resolve, and thats what these forums are for - not for judging or attacking others. This is the source of your problem. We both know that. You don't have to get into it here if you don't feel comfortable, I'm not asking you to do that. I simply want you to recognize that this is most likely the source of the issues you're having. You're obviously not over it if it's causing you problems. I can tell you from personal experience that ignoring your problems and pushing them away, can make you feel like you've "dealt with them", but in reality they're anything but resolved. They're still there under the surface. Eventually, something always brings them back up. That was true for me, and it seems to also be true for you. My advice? I suggest going to therapy. If you love her, and you want to make the relationship work then you're going to have to resolve this issue. That's really the only way. It might also help if you open up to her and explain what happened in your past. Tell her what you've been feeling, and let her know that you're going to begin going to therapy. So, if you're having trouble in your relationship as a result of this then at least she knows the cause, and knows that you're working on fixing it. If you're relationship is suffering as a result of this, then she might be blaming herself and wondering what she is doing wrong. You want her to know that you love her, and that you're going to do what you can to solve the problem you're having. Hopefully, then, you'll also have her support and love which will make things much easier for you. It may also, hopefully, relieve any tension that might exist between the two of you. I hope this helps. (*hug*)
