What's the endgame here?

Just some thoughts:

1) Why do you feel like you're going to grope any guy you meet in close quarters? Because that seems like more of a self-restraint issue than anything else.
2) Stop hooking up with guys, it obviously isn't working for you if you're uncomfortable and anxious while doing it. That's not going to help you sort anything out and you're just going to suffer in the process.
3) Accepting yourself takes time. I think the best advice I have for you, like 2), is to stop hooking up with guys. Don't bother looking for a relationship. Figuring out who - and what - you like goes beyond having a relationship with them. You can like guys without having to sleep with them to prove it. Be single for the time being and just let the idea of whatever your identity is sink in... I think it'll do you some good.

And if it wasn't implied, I can guarantee you going back to drinking is a bad idea, so please don't do it. Come here and vent every 5 minutes if you have to, but don't resort back to that.

 

I agree with BudderMC, I think you should try being single for a while and maybe just try to do things that occupy yourself, so you're not thinking about it so much. Maybe right now it would be best to have a little bit of a distraction.

 

Hows therapy going?

 

is the anxiety reducing?

 

Recovery from traumatic life events takes time. It took me months to climb out of suicidal depression even with therapy and medication. It took me even longer to return to more or less normal functioning. Two sessions of therapy aren't likely to do anything to improve your mental health, therapy is a slow process that takes time as you build your trust in your therapist.

In the meantime: tell your med provider about the sexual problems your meds are giving you. Side effects can vary tremendously from one medication to the next. I've been on medications that ramped up my sex drive but left me unable to climax, meds that reduced my sex drive, and meds that had no effect on my sex drive or ability to climax.

Don't hook up with random guys. There's nothing wrong with hooking up, but doing it to try to prove to yourself that you really do like guys isn't likely to help at all and is a fairly unhealthy behavior.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the therapy process or how to talk to your med provider.

 

Is your therapist trained in LGBT and anxiety issues? I agree with Mogget as well, talk to your medical provider about the sexual side effects, sometimes its all about trial and error when it comes to meds

 

Is it that you WANT to kiss/grab/touch them or you feel impulsed to do it? (like you're on the verge of doing it).

You really should speak to your psyc doctor about this. It could be the wrong medication, or the wrong dose. Also, have you been honest with your therapist about everything going on?

When I started therapy I went initially because of my feelings towards other guys and it causing me to become somewhat depressed, yet I kept putting it off and putting it off and before I knew it time had gone by and I never brought it up after a year of therapy - - not cool. Get it all out on the table now - - don't make excuses.

Also, are you sure the not being able to ejaculate is because of the meds? (did you look up the side effects?). Anxiety can also cause performance issues. I would mention it to the doctor...

Good luck dude! You'll get it all sorted out. Just lay off the hook ups for now - -they will just make you feel worse after.

 

Traumatic life event is a term I use to describe any major upset in someone's life. This can be the discovery that you are gay, the onset of significant depression, a break-up, the death of a family member or friend, an attack, moving to a new town or school, loss of a job, working at a very stressful job, a severe injury...the list goes on. The important thing is that major life events have an impact on us, and often that impact is negative.

 

I'm sure that need to grab people is not pleasurable, its a fucked up urge and possibly a release for your anxiety. Does this urge feel normal or does it feel like something you have to do or head will explode or you'll just be uncomfortable forever.

 

haha I get that too. I work with people who need to be in their sports bra and shorts. Last time I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch them and I started shaking and shit. Thats how I feel when I think of these thoughts, like my freaking head is going to explode if I don't do them....if this is same sex attraction, then this sucks.

And if I try to slow down the thoughts I start to feel like a boy and like I want to be a guy, like I just don't see myself with another girl unless I'm a man or a very boyish girl.