I'm a 41 year old woman who just can't seem to come fully out of the closet. I have known since I was 12 years old that I was a lesbian, except back then I called myself gay. I refused to believe it for many, many years and just could not come to grips with it. I tried very hard to live the staight life and still find myself trying by lying to almost everyone all the time. When I was 19 I almost came out when I seen an add in the paper for someone looking for a gay roomate. I called the number listed and a lady answered and I told her I wanted to be her roomate. She yelled at me and said see wanted a gay man not a lesbian living with her and then hung up. I felt so confused, why did I see myself as gay and not a lesbian. And then I realized it was because I felt more like a boy then a girl. The whole exprience upset me so much that I was not able to come out of the closet. Then later that year I had my first hetrosexual exprience and tried my best to conveince myself that I was straight and that thinking I was gay was just crazy thinking. Needless to say the hetrosexual exprience led to a pregnancy witch led to severe depression. Three months into the pregency I miss carried. For some reason I felt so releaved that I did not have the baby. One year passed by and I just could'nt take it anymore and attempted suicide with an over dose of pills. I came very close to being successful and was in intensive care for a week and then was moved to a psyh unit. For the next 5 years of my life I would spend it in and out of mental hospitals. Each time being admitted because I just did'nt want to live. I was diagnoised with Borderline Personality Disorder, depression with suicidal tendencies. Not once did any one think that what I was going through was caused by trying to repress me being gay. Finally I got past that part of my life and thought I could finally live life as a straight woman and be o.k with it. Well, it was only short lived. I was in two abusive relationships with guys and after that I just could never be with a man. It would have never worked because I'm gay. So! I decided to just be me, gay....This I have done but only in secret. I go to the clubs and can tell everyone I'm gay but just can't tell my friends, family or people I work with. It might be because my mom say's lesbians are gross and butches are mean and that it is just not normal. I want to be normal.....I told my dad a few years ago and at the time he almost had a heart attack and then less then a month later he died. It was the last conversation I ever had with him. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm scared. I can't stand lying to my self and other people anymore. Can anyone else relate to how I'm feeling? :help:
Hello Debra1970, welcome to EC! I think it is a god first step to talk about your feelings here. I know for me it helped to give me the confidence to come out for the first time to one of my friends, and then I came out to my sister. I know how hard it can be to carry such a large but something that tended to help me and still does, is that I tell myself that being a lesbian is only part of who I am. It's not all of who you are, it's only a part of you. There are so many different sides to everybody, maybe you could try telling people you think you may be interested in women as well as men, tell them you're still trying to sort out your feelings. This isn't an easy thing for anyone to go through and I think the support here will help you a lot!
I apprieciate your support and advise. For me things have been more difficult because people just did'nt have the same support systems available back in the 80's to help people deal with issue's like this. I wished I could have just told everyone I knew when I was 19 that I was a lesbian. But, if I did it most likely would have led to alignization...from friends and family. There was no where for a 19 year old lesbian to go and get help to cope with the issue's we faced back then. Now since I have tried to live a straight life people really question my sexuality. I even had a nurse from one of the hospitals I was in tell me in a LGBT bar that I was not a lesbian. I know who I am and I now feel if I come out 100% that people will say that I'm not lesbian and that I'm bi sexual. I now what I am and I'm not attracted to men. I tried to tell my mom once and she laughed at me and said your not a lesbian you have been with men.
Hey Debra1970 I was just looking through different threads and came across this one and I want to just say something that you probably find completely obvious but, I know, from personal experience that being with men in the past does not mean that you are not a lesbian. I spent all of my life trying to convince myself I was straight. Okay, maybe not all of my life, but definitely 1/4 of it. I'm only 16 so thats four years but for me, thats when my life actually began. Four years ago is when I started to question my sexuality. And i have spent those four years trying to convince myself that I am straight by being with guys. But I've never actually been attracted to them. I mean, I can appreciate a hot guy because in my family, that's what the girls do. I've grown up looking at guys because that's what is acceptable. But I've never felt the physical attraction. Never had the butterflies when a cute guy looked at me. But being raised the way I have been I just never knew that girls were even an option. And here I am now, working on accepting myself but admitting that I won't ever want to be with a guy. Even though I have been with them before (not physically, I'm not ready for that with anyone yet) but I tried to connect emotionally and romantically and that just hasn't worked. As long as you know what you are, it really doesn't actually matter what other people think. It feels better if they agree with you and they think what you're saying is right but, that won't always be the case. I'm not trying to pressure you into coming out all the way because some people just don't want to do that. But I am telling you that it won't get any easier to come out to friends and family. And hiding who you are.. Well, to put it in my words, it sucks. I hope that my longwindedness has given some form of an answer.. It may not have. I'm sorry if i confused you even more. I hope everything works out alright
Urgh so many people dont stop and think before they speak (well i dont much either but hey ho). It seems a lot of people think that you can only sleep with men if your hetero-sexual or bi-sexual. That if youve ever admitted a man is cute then you just cant be gay! I totally get where youre coming from. I spent all my life convinced i was straight cos well erm thats what were supposed to do right? When i was in my teens i wasnt sexually attracted to men or women (though i never stopped to consider the latter), i just presumed that if you were gay that ya know you fancied lots of women and since i didn't i must be straight! Hell i shouldve noticed when admiring old greek (nude)statues that the male ones i just went 'eh whats supposed to be attractive about that? Its square and muscular and that thing is just gross' whereas the female statues i was like 'oh now that is easy to be attracted to, its all curves and softness and curves..' So yeah i've slept with quite a few guys, i could easily sum up my sex-life with them as 'ok' :rolle: I've never once actually been sexually attracted to a guy, i just did it because i was scared of not being 'normal', of being alone. Its taken me a long time to realise just what i want and just what i dont want. I've told most people i know now, most responses have been surprised but otherwise fairly good. Though i did get a few 'maybe youve not met the right man yet' and 'your just confused'. I know its not easy but dont let the preconceptions of what others think you are or what defines a lesbian to confuse you or make you feel pressured. Your not alone here (*hug*)
Hi Debra and welcome to EC! I'm so glad that you found this place. I'm 41 as well, and only came to terms with my orientation 5 years ago. I had denied it or ignored it most of my life - even though there had been signs. I was married to a wonderful woman for 9 years before I just couldn't cope any more and came out. I can also relate to your mental illness. I had developed an addiction that I had to overcome as well when I came out - so it wasn't a walk in the park. But I did have family and friends who I knew would be supportive when I did come out, and they didn't make a liar out of me. They were supportive. But it has been a big adjustment for sure. I did eventually come out to everyone - including my coworkers. I was probably most worried about the reaction that I would get at work but even that went well. You might be pleasantly surprised. And the fact that I was married to a woman for 9 years and had 2 kids with her? I consider myself to be gay - not bisexual - so your mom is wrong and you are right. Keep posting here and sharing your thoughts. Because I'm a member of the 'staff' here you can send me a 'private message' directly if you'd like. Otherwise just post in the forum for others to read and respond to. You've come to the right place, and I hope being here will help you to feel better about your orientation. It certainly helped me.
