Boyfriendish...guy works too much

Let me pull this card from the decks of Lex.

Don't tell us.
Tell him.

Let him know that you like himyou'd like to get to know himbetter, but the current scheduling difficulties are getting you frustrated. You understand he's got two jobs and all, but you need to know if you're ever going to be more than an afterthought priority in his life.

Lex

 

This is what probably got me in trouble with the girl that I was dating. She and I were friends, but we'd hangout maybe 2-4 times a month. I was hoping things would get more serious like, an exclusive relationship, but she worked a lot! So, I started talking to other women to keep my options open and my mind off of her. Let's just say that after that, things changed between her and I. So, anyway, I know how you feel; hang in there, don't make the same mistake I did. If he's really worth it, then be patient...after all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Normally I would be on the "wait it out" train (is that a thing? did I make it up?), but one thing gives me pause - he had time to clean up and impress for the first two dates, just not since. Without a context, at least, that says to me that he doesn't think he needs to impress you anymore. On the more optimistic side, though, a lot of people don't think about the time that relationships will involve - and I don't even mean time for major things like working on problems, just time to spend together. I found myself in a position similar to his once. I met a guy I really liked, and it was pretty obviously mutual, but I just didn't have the time to invest in the relationship - mostly because I didn't *give* myself the time in my day - and it didn't work out. It just took me a while to realize that I needed space in my life for a relationship again, after being single.

You say "technically boyfriends" - have you had a conversation about it? Can you call him your boyfriend in front of him? What about the rescheduling - did that happen with the first two attempts at setting up a date, or were those both fine, and it's only been since that time? If his schedule is that iron-clad, maybe you could try working within it - can he set up a time, any time, every week to spend with you in some way, even if it's only on the phone or for dinner, with the expectation that he'll be getting ready for said time?

In any case, though, don't worry too much about where you live, and how many other guys there may be - "I can't find anything better" is not a sufficient reason to stay in any relationship, imo. If you have to make a decision, make it based on how you feel now, with him.

 

You say his weekend job is seasonal, so when might the season end? When it does will he get another weekend job? Im just thinking that maybe once the season ends his weekends will be free and if he isnt going to get another weekend job then I can understand that maybe he has to make more money in the season than the rest of the year.

 

I fully support this; ^.

 

I know you said you had tried to talk to him but I think you have to have a chat with him and explain how you are feeling.

 

I'm curious... how bad does he really need the money? Is he just working jobs that pay next to nothing while he works his fingers to the bone, or is he just working because he feels he HAS to work?

Also, what actions are you taking personally to meet him halfway?

You said you only live fifteen minutes away. If I were in your shoes I'd find out what his favorite lunch / dinner was and the types of food he likes to eat in general. I'd then show up and surprise him with a meal when I know he's gotten off from work.

As busy as he is he still has to eat, and that gives you a chance to spend some time with him.

The guy has to have some downtime somewhere, the key is finding it.

This is the difference between saying, "I want you to spend more time with me." vs "How can we find some time to spend together?"

 

I feel the need to respond to this because I too work a lot. I work two jobs, 15hrs a day, Monday - Thursday. Just 11 on Fridays, 8 on Saturdays and I'm off every Sunday. I'm a corporate slave. I won't get into detail about my jobs, but I'll say that I set at a desk for both.

I understand how you're feeling, but you have to respect his willingness to work. He might have goals that he want to achieve and the only way he can do that is by working. Like others have said, if he still manages to keep regular contact with you and make some free tie to see you, what's the issue? I sometimes have free time to hangout after work, but often times I'm so tired that I don't wanna talk to or be bothered by anyone. People who wrk a lot get tired and have a lot of stress so don't add to that. If he's worth the wait, then just wait. He'll appreciate you more if you encourage him to strive.

 

ooooh i love relationship advice giving lol. So ok A relationship is a give and take thing you both give and take. I met this one guy I really liked before. He was in the closet I was out of the closet but nobody really knew I was gay. So anyways I had no problem with him being in the closet the problem was he wanted to parade and have a girlfriend to support his public jock image and date me on the side. I know how hard it is to come out so I never force any guy I like to do that my problem was that he wanted to have me and lead this gril on thinking he liked her and be with me 2? In class one day while he was sitting next to her he kissed her and hugged her then leaned back in his chair and asked me "do you wanna fuck" It was at that moment that the relationship felt dirty and wrong he wanted her and me and even though I liked him thats something I cant tolerate. So what you need to ask yourself is that is this worth it. You might like him alot he good be a very good person but a relationship is a 2 way street I cant love a guy and never be able to see him and be ok with that personally. Sometimes we as gay people have such a hard time finding a signifigant other because our dating pool is more limited that the first person who comes along we settle for thinking there may never be anybody else. However sometimes you are at a different place in life than the one you love. Hes all about work now theres nothing wrong with that while your yearning for love and a relationship. So think what am I giving him what is he giving me what am i taking from him what is he getting from me. Then ask yourself is it worth it am I happy and is this something I can continue to be okay with and you will have your answer. lol I have never had a bf by the way only numerous almost relationships with different guys so take my advice with a grain of salt hope it helps.

 

Well hey, that's a good sign. Nice outfit, dinner, a movie, and even some cuddling in the theater - good on him. If he's willing to listen to discussions about how you feel regarding not having a lot of time, and he can empathize, and he's taking steps to address it, then cool. The key will be if he keeps doing that without you having to remind him every time.

Plus, the fact that one job is related to a long-term career is a nice sign. It's good to have goals.

So how do you feel after tonight? Better? Comforted? Still unsure? Happier? Sadder?

 

Well he sounds like a stand up guy. He's not avoiding you, is willing to listen to what you're feeling, makes an effort to address it, genuinely needs the cash, and has long term career goals. You say he's nice and you genuinely like him, hell - if not for the time issue you'd have won the dating lottery.

The guy seriously is pressed for time. It's a hard problem to solve especially so early in a relationship. If you both had been dating for awhile, then it might be different. Some of the more direct solutions I can think of would put you both pretty deep into serious relationship territory. I mean, you haven't even had sex with him yet, so I doubt it's time to talk about intermingling finances and moving in together. And people can say what they want about the intimacy of sex, but there is nothing more intimate than intermingling finances. :lol:

So, that basically leaves you with a couple of obvious options. (Maybe someone else is more creative than me.) First, you can accept the status quo and just try harder to meet more often. Second, you can try to bend your schedule to better fit his.

I think one thing that might help is for both of you to take a vow to make sure that you both get together at least every other week. You can agree to bend your schedule however necessary to fit his (for example, a morning date!), and he'll agree to try and work in some time somewhere. So, once he finds the time, you find a way to make it work.

The idea would be that this is just an intermediate bump in the road. As your relationship develops and gets more serious, you can begin making future plans together. Likely around November when his second job comes to an end.

It's not a perfect solution, but it's the best I have for you. :icon_sad: In the end, if you're willing to wait long enough, his career goals will be in site, and he'll be able to ditch working himself like a dog.

The guy sounds like a keeper if you can just get over this hump.

 

ok i have heard enough YOU 2 CAN ABSOLUTELY NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAH break up lol. theres just far to much love and goodness there for it to end. Hmm lots of times infidelity trust issues fighting all that evil stuff breaks up relationships but hmm work. No I would be pissed off to see work break apart a good gay couple. Blame america for your relationship struggles lol. Its Americas fault we give less time off work than many oher countries lol. I dont know if work is THE ONLY problem dont break up. Maybe if you guys budget harder and cut back on some expenses you wont need as much money which means less hours need to be worked which means more time ti enjoy each others company lol.

 

It's not as easy as you like, but he seems like a keeper! So I say it's worth the wait till November. It might be a long time before you find another guy like him, and really - a willingness to wait and work with him through these tough times will only build your relationship and commitment to each other. So, while in the short term it sucks, in the long run it can pay off.

I'm excited for you, and I hope everything works out for the best. November really isn't that far away! (*hug*)