I think I am a nice person, or at least that's the first thing people thought of when they think about me. I don't want to hurt other people, the thought of hurting them actually pain me. Yet for some reason, whenever I am the one who is getting hurt, the thought of "Yes, I deserve it" actually calm me down a little. I cannot find anyone to blame so I often blame it on myself. In my other posts, I mentioned of suicidal attempt. I was admitted into a psychic ward. When I left the hospital, my condition actually became worse. Now, I can no longer talk to other people about my problem with the fear of being admitted again. When my friends ask if I was okay, I lied because I feared they might put me back into that horrible place. During my stay at the hospital, I cussed at myself nonstop during the night and had to pretend with a smile during the day so the doctors would let me leave. I hear non-stop screaming from other patients at night. I see their lifeless eyes and I thought what have I put myself into so I swore that the next time if I want to hurt myself, I would die before I come back here again. I did attempt to go to my school's counseling, but they made me take this test and said if they see any behavior indicating that I want to hurt myself, i might have to come back to the hospital, so I stopped after a few time lying to the doctor:"What was the point" I thought. I don't think the problem that I treated myself badly because I was gay but because how I was treated when people know that I am gay. My mom told me that she would not accept anyone who is gay in the family (and I have not even come out to her yet and probably never will). I can't stop these negative thoughts. Family can't help me, friends don't understand me, doctors will just make thing worse, religion is out of the question. Anyone who has ever feel this way before?
I haven't been admitted to hospital or anything, because none of my family knows that I cut myself. Well my brother found out because he saw "UGLY" cut into my thigh when my pants slipped a little.. Anyway, my "depression" is a part of me and I have learned to accept it by talking through with others. It began because of my dad. I just fake a smile & fake laughter throughout the day to keep it hidden, it works. We're hereto talk to if you need someone to talk to.. <3 xx.
religion? i believe in God. it does not hurt you to try in private to ask him to make the self hate stop. as for what you can do, there should be suicide hotlines anonymous in phone book, write down the number and keep with u just for emergency, they won't send u to hospital. i am glad u are on here, bro. you will find tons of caring, loving, unselfish friends who support u for YOU here. and u are not alone. i feel depressed, but thank God not suicidal or been in mental ward, my mom told me how bad it was from her breakdown as a teen. i know what u said is so accurate! since u maybe hate all religions u may not be accepting this advice, and i not try it yet, but my mom said the Bible, in Proverbs, it has 31, and if you read the one for the day, like today is the 11th so read 11, you will feel your mind get more focused, i guess. i have asked random men from time to time on the bus who told me yeah its true it helps depression and mental illness too. I'm guessing its solid factual and poeticness is why? so i looked it up for today: Proverbs 11 MSG - Without Good Direction, People Lose - Bible Gateway one of the verses in it is: 2 The stuck-up fall flat on their faces, but down-to-earth people stand firm. so it is just an idea i hope helps somebody like it did my mom. please choose to not die, earth needs you...and we will be here for ya no matter what.
