Not sure if I can do this anymore...

Well, to begin with, you don't have to go to your parents to talk about things if you don't want to. On the other hand it seems like you have some specific type of person in mind that you want to go to - you don't want to talk to your friends but you want "someone to love." If you could talk to someone about all of this - anyone at all - who would it be?

Also, although I realize you might be genuinely upset about it, try not to worry too much about not having had sex. Many people still have their virginity at 19 - I didn't lose mine until 20. There have been threads on EC about it and people fall into all different age. You're by no means behind.

It sounds, at least, like you're still functioning pretty well, even if you're not happy about it - you still go to school, you're holding a job, you spend time with friends, etc. If nothing else, the fact that you're not letting these feelings impact your life in a bad way is something to be glad for. Maybe the thing to do is to figure out who you could be willing to let in - whatever that means for you. It could be a friend, a coworker, a family member, whoever you want. But if you could try to pick somebody that you think you could start talking to about something, even if it's just one thing, you could at least see where it goes.

 

It sounds to me that you're clearly suffering from depression, and the only good advice that can be given to you at this point is that you need to see a doctor.

The reason you feel lonely and are looking for someone to love, is because you're instinctively seeking out some mood boosting chemicals for your brain. When you're in love your brain is flooded with chemicals and hormones that boost your mood like dopamine, and this will relieve your depression for a time. Unfortunately, these feelings don't last and you'll be right back where you started. So it's temporary at best.

This is why you need to visit a doctor. Get a referral to someone you can talk to about the issue, and hopefully you'll be able to begin working your way out of it.

It's not easy. I've been in your shoes. I've suffered from severe depression that led me to become suicidal. This isn't really something you should play around with or deal with on your own. If you don't already have suicidal thoughts or desires, then I can tell you from experience that depression can get worse. Much worse.

In case you need it, here is the link to the Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Here is their phone number: 1-866-488-7386

If you feel like you're in crisis, especially if you feel suicidal, then calling that number is your best bet. It's toll free, completely confidential, is open 24/7, and is for LBGT youth.

If you're just feeling lonely, and want a place to vent or just talk then you can post here or message me on my wall (or PM me if you're a full member). I'll respond to it ASAP.

Whatever you do, don't start to isolate yourself by withdrawing from other people.

I hope that you seek help and keep us updated. (*hug*)

 

Well, he may be in Washington, but there's at least one person who cares about you. How long have you known him? Do you think you could be friends with him in the meantime, since you don't live close by? It's possible that he has something really good to offer in your life without being a boyfriend (not as in closing it off, just as in he can't offer it right now, but maybe he can offer something else). I've had some good friends online over the years - in fact, there's one guy right now that I talk with very often. I find it's really good for me to have someone to chat up - especially since we both keep the same weird (i.e., late) hours.

It sounds like coming out to more people might be a good idea - but can you make a point of coming out to someone that you know you would feel comfortable talking about it with? Or would you not really feel comfortable talking about it with anyone in person?

You are definitely worthy of love. (*hug*) If you have one person who you think might return those feelings, then keep your mind focused on that, and enjoy it. But try not to lose sight of other people that could offer you some kind of affection, whether in a relationship or otherwise.

 

I went through the exact same thing. I was seventeen at the time, and I was so depressed that at school all I could really do was sleep during class. I had no energy. I didn't know I was depressed, it was a gradual but continual decline. I felt awful and I constantly thought about suicide, but I had suffered from that for years so that was nothing new. I thought I was just "tired". I didn't seek help because I knew that I was gay, and didn't want anyone to ever find out.

Finally, I had one last bad experience and it was like something snapped in my brain. A switch had been flipped. I gave up. I just couldn't fight anymore. The next morning I couldn't get out of bed. Three days later I attempted to kill myself.

I didn't get the help that I needed because I downplayed everything, and while I actually did see a therapist he sucked bad. I ended up having to fight my way out of it on my own, and it was a long hard and difficult road that took years.

I also suffered from extreme anxiety. I learned to cope by pushing everything down and finding ways to numb my emotions and forget my problems. I never addressed anything.

As a consequence of that I'm sitting where I am today. At the end of the month I'm going to be 30 years old, and I've been in therapy since January. I finally found a good therapist, but I'm having to confront problems and issues that I should have faced when I was your age.

You're going to be much happier if you don't make the same mistakes that I made. Seek out a therapist that specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. They can help you manage your anxiety and work through your problems. It's not about handing you a pill and expecting it to work magic, my therapist hasn't suggested any medication for me at all.

You don't have to come out to the person you're seeing on your first visit. Not even your second, third, forth, fifth, or sixth visit. When you feel comfortable coming out to him or her then you can do it. I think it was my fifth or sixth visit before I came out to my therapist. I went in numerous times planning and preparing myself to come out to him. Yet, each time I chickened out.

I spent those first visits with him talking about superficial issues that I was having, like for example, how funny I am about my hair and the fear I had of getting a new hairstyle. "What if I don't like it? What if it looks awful?" Because, you know, that was the most pressing issue that I had. :icon_wink

It's not fun, it's not easy, but it's necessary. You can't and shouldn't have to do this alone. You need someone there to help you.

With the support of people here at EC and the assistance of a good therapist, you're going to find yourself getting better. I promise. But you really need to take the first step and ask for help.

 

Well I'm glad that he's around then, if you two are both in the same situation - hopefully you can help each other out, and/or have been doing so for a while.

And coming out to your friend sounds great, especially if they've already pretty much brought it up themselves! That seems like it could be a good step, both with coming out and with eventually meeting someone (it seems like the more people who know you, know you're gay, and know you're single, the quicker you meet somebody, hehe). But in the short run I also hope it helps with your depression - a support network is a great thing to have.

Definitely let us know what happens.

 

Yes, EC is a fantastic place. I wish I had found a place like this when I was around your age. Things would have been much easier for me.

I also totally know what you're going through with the thoughts racing through your head. When I went to my therapist, I tried to go in saying that I had Adult ADD. I had so many of the same symptoms that I figured that was my issue. I had suffered from extreme anxiety in the past, but I had convinced myself I had "gotten over that."

He never asked about my past. After basically speaking to me for a few minutes, he told me flat out that my issue likely wasn't adult ADD that it was anxiety related, and that the symptoms of both are similar.

I was basically in denial. I was actually hoping for a pill that would solve my problems, and then I'd go about my life as a "normal" person. The reality was far different, anxiety was crippling me. Bit by bit it was slowly choking me to death, and it was getting progressively worse not better.

Even though getting treatment was an accident, it's been one of the best accidents that has ever happened to me. I'm getting better slowly. It's tough and hard, but I'm getting better.

My offer still stands if you ever need someone to talk too. (*hug*)