Alright, this one is going to be a bit long - so sorry about that. Basically I'm almost positive that I'm gay, but that leaves me with several questions and concerns. I know it sounds weird to say, "I'm positive I'm gay" rather than "I am," but..... I guess what it boils down to is that I am sexually attracted to men but I've never acted on it. I've had girlfriends, though not many. I had one for three years and was positive that "she was the one," but was never sexually interested in her...in retrospect, I fantasized about many of the guys that we knew while I was in a relationship with her. My dating has been infrequent enough, though, that I'm often asked about my orientation (which is something I have not discussed with another person until now) and it's always at that time that I'm afraid to give a "straight" answer (pun intended, sort of....). I've always told people that I am heterosexual until going to college, now I just avoid the question and say "I'm comfortable with who I am and that's all that matters." It's funny, because the people that suspect are ones I know through my closest friends, but I think that if you asked most people that were acquainted with me they'd be shocked to know this about me. Anyways, I guess I could say I'm questioning, but it's more that I feel like I need to be validated - to somehow confirm what I already know. Part of me just wants to go out and have sex with a woman just to say, "I did it!" but at the same time, I'm not really down with using someone like that - and it would just confirm even more stereotypes than I even want to deal with. So, I am pretty sure I'm gay (not bisexual at all) and I do want to find that "someone." The issue then is coming out - and it's an issue for several reasons. 1) My family is as conservative as it gets. My father has said he would "beat the shit" out of any of his children if he found out they were gay. 2) My grandpa "L", who has been an extremely positive influence in my life, would shun me. He already thinks that my mind is tainted because I'm a Democrat, but I'm afraid that if I ever was in a relationship with another man he would kill them. I'm not exaggerating at all, he hates homosexuals. He's a very conflicted man, a recovered alcoholic, a veteran of war and a staunchly conservative person. When I was young both of my parents left me. My father because he just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child and my mother because she was too unstable to raise me - my grandfather was the person that stepped up to the plate. He still calls me his son, he's helped me through my first year of college, he bought me a car when I got in a wreck in high school....but if I came out, there's no way that we could have a relationship even close to what it is today. That's something that really scares me and makes me wonder if coming out would even be worth it. 3) My father. I met him when I was 16 and lived with him for two years because I wanted to get to know him and my siblings. Things went well for about six months and since then (it is now 3 years later) our relationship has taken a turn for the worse. This is another issue entirely, but he and my stepmother have told me I'm not welcome in their house, that I can't see my siblings, that I am a liar, that I'm irresponsible and that they don't want a relationship with me unless I concede to their point of view as to why our relationship has gone sour. Just to defend myself a little bit, I've had a job since I was 14, about 40% of my school is paid for by academic scholarships, I work 3 jobs during the school year and I am currently doing drafting for a company and they are giving me a raise because I work harder than they ever expected (my grandfather was the reference for this job, by the way) and are keeping me on part time through the school year...so...I'm not lazy. And I'm honest, too, they just can't understand that what I saw happen and what they see are two different beasts entirely....but enough of that. My concern with him (as I've alluded to earlier) is two fold. One, he's already threatened me "if" I were to tell him I'm gay - which I haven't. Secondly, I don't want him to feel like I'm using this as leverage against him....but if I start coming out to people he's going to know one way or another. I really want our relationship to work and I think it can; well, I hope it can - but telling him I'm gay could be the final nail in the coffin. 4) My friends, or specifically, my best friend. People always accuse* him of being gay and I've defended him through thick and thin because the assumptions are just unfair (*I don't mean this in a negative way). I've always been hurt when people make assumptions about my orientation, especially being in denial for most of my life as to what it is. He gets hit on by gay men quite a bit, he's extremely stylish, smart, creative, kind.....and I'm head over heels for him. Here lies the issue - I feel like telling him would be great and that he'd be supportive, but I also think he'll feel a bit betrayed....or at least, I'll feel like I've betrayed him by not being forthright even though this past year has been a time where I've come to grips with my identity. Did anyone else have these feelings, or am I crazy? Well anyway, I couldn't stand to loose him because he's helped me through this crises I'm having with my father as well as a couple of other major life events (another one of my grandfathers ("D") had a stroke, my grandmother had a major cancer scare). Anyway, I don't know if I could stand to lose his support with so many things outside of this going on. So, do I or don't I? To be honest, deep in my heart-of-hearts I hope (and therefor think) that he's facing a similar situation as me (as far as being closeted). I've also tried to be a good friend to him as well because he's had his own struggles. Could he continue to trust me in the same way if I told him I was gay? I know asking him is a bad idea, we've talked about it a bit without ever directly asking each other whether or not we were homosexual....well, except when we first met we both had felt the need to say, "well, I'm not gay, just so ya know" (there was some context to this, but it was insecurity on my part because I was questioning my identity). But, he's just not comfortable talking about his identity and I don't want to force the issue (and so I won't). I'm also his tag along when he goes to parties where there are other gay people. So.... Well, the way it works is I keep them from hitting on him, hahaha Well, anywayzzzz, you can see what my feelings are with this. 5) My "new" family. Meeting my dad has had a great many benefits, including two new sides to my family (his and my stepmother's). Both have been supportive of me, but both are very conservative as well. My grandparents on his side would have a really tough time with it. They've gone out of their way to get to know me and I know they'd still love me, but yet again I question if hurting them is worth coming out for. There are lots of others, too, who I don't know how they'll act. My stepmother's mom (grandma "A") would be extremely supportive, but outside of that I'm not sure how it will go. On the positive side, I think my mother (who is a fantastic woman, by the way) already knows. Her and my stepfather have both said they would support and love me if I were gay (their words were "even if I were gay"). Much of the family has suspicions and they do joke with me about it a little bit; but they all know I've got good intentions at heart and I'm there if they need me. There are a couple other people I'm worried that I'll hurt, but I'll still be able to watch NASCAR with my Grandpa "D", do yard work and fish with my step dad, take pictures of my family and be accepted by them....so it's not like my life would suck, but I just wonder if it's worth it? And really, am I gay? Do I sound gay? I think I am and I'm honestly happy with that, but if I have these questions does that mean I should experiment or just think about it? Sorry for the novel, but I think as the first people I've told I needed to let it all out - and hopefully that will get me some sound advice. Thanks to all who took the time to read this in advance in case it takes me a few days to get to this! Also, as a disclaimer, I have an anxiety disorder as well and coping with all of this stuff is that much harder because of it. I really, really just need to find some sort of outlet for what is happening that I can't talk to my friend about and I'm hoping that this is the place.....
Welcome to EC and thanks for sharing! Judging from what you have wrote, it sounds like you are gay because you find guys sexually attractive but don't with girls. You even fantasized about men when you were with your girlfriend and you didn't find her sexually attractive. Gay written all over it xD Your question about should you experiment if you have those questions, well you could yeah but deep down I think you know already I can see that you are a very caring person. You care for your family a lot and worry about hurting them if they found out about you. But you know what? Can you imagine yourself to be in the closet married to a woman and living the rest of your life like a zombie? If you do decide to go down this route then it will only end up a disaster since you will probably either divorce and come out in the end or remain in the marriage but have flings with guys on the side... Not nice at all. Or you can come out, deal with the initial grief, maybe lose some people or maybe not, and live a happy life with a guy. You said that your mum and step-father would support you if you were gay. Well this is fantastic! They will play a crucial role during your coming out process. If things don't go well you can always count on them as your main support network. Bearing all this in mind, it is important that you first accept yourself and being gay is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. Learn to love yourself for who you are because otherwise it leads to a path of depression and self-loathing which is what normally happens to people who are dealing with this crap. I've always known I was gay from an early age such as 7. Granted, I didn't know what it was called but I had special feeling towards guys and had no idea why. I hated being different and felt cursed. I kept thinking that life would be so much easier if only I was straight but really, there is nothing you can do to change that. So last October I thought 'f*** it! I can self-loath everyday being depressed or I can acknowledge my feelings holding my head up high' Ultimately, I came out to my sister in the same month who accepted me for who I was. I have never been so scared in my life :lol: but it was totally worth it. I plan on coming out to the rest of my family soon. I wish you good luck. Stay strong! (*hug*)
I want to add to what Lad123 said that you don't have to come out to all of them. Just come out to those who you are sure will support you (like your mother and stepfather). Judging from what you said about your father, I don't think it's a good idea to keep that relationship at all. Your father left you, and now doesn't welcome you in his house and will "beat the shit" out of you if he finds out you are gay. He didn't even have the decency to make up for what he'd done. If I were you I would cut all ties with him. About your best friend, I think you should come out to him. And don't even think that you've betrayed him. Coming to terms with one's sexuality is a hard enough and often is best done by oneself. Now, don't think about losing him. Do you think you can live your whole life pretending to be someone you're not just to be with him? Is it worth it? He doesn't even know the real you. You'll be tormenting yourself and hurt even more. Just come out to him. If you lose him, then it's better sooner than later. He's just not worth your trust and friendship. If he accepts you, well I don't need to say more, do I? Anyway, I think being truthful with him will make things much easier. If my best friend killed someone, I would prefer him to tell me about it and not keep me in the dark. I would then try to sort things out (ask him the reasons, and if they're plausible, I may even help him hide the body ). Don't be afraid that you'll get your man killed if you're in a relationship with him. It's your life, your happiness. They have no right to interfere (it's pretty much illegal to kill anyway ). You could always move away and start a new life, or keep your relationship a secret (not recommended). Bottom line: It's good that you're considerate towards your family, but there's nothing wrong with you and you too deserve to be treated well, deserve happiness. If you really, really love them, you can wait. Wait till you move out, wait till you're old enough to take care of yourself, old enough for them to have no influence on you.
Since the above covered pretty much all I'll add a bit more on about your friend! You know, one of my last friends I did came out already knew! Since he's your best friend he might know it, but since he cares about you he won't force it out from you, it would be cruel and he cares about you
Hi there and welcome to EC. You've received great advice already. I'd echo most of it... Your dad - loser really. Good parents don't treat their kids the way he has. I can understand you wanting to have a relationship with him, but you've tried and it isn't working. Don't feel like you have to invest any more of yourself in him. Sad, but that seems to be the way it's going to be with him. Your mom and step dad - awesome. Come out to them because you have nothing to lose in doing so. They would probably respect your desire to keep it to themselves for a bit. Your friend - absolutely tell him. That first 30 seconds will be the worst time of your life and then it will be over, and you'll feel SO MUCH BETTER that words won't be able to describe it. He won't feel like you've betrayed him. He'll understand, as most people do, that this is complex and it takes us time to figure ourselves out and then muster the courage to come out to people. Your grandfather - that's a tough one. I understand that he means a lot to you, and that you owe him. But there's such a thing as 'unconditional love' and it doesn't sound like he shows that to you. He should. You're his grandson. It's tough though, because he comes from a different time and has learned different things. My 92 year old grandmother hardly blinked an eye when I came out to her, but she's always been loving and accepting. Never a bad word was said about gay people in my family - yet I was still afraid to come out at 35. I can understand how you feel. But in the end, this is your life, not his. And we (those of us here on EC) believe, as do a majority of Americans I think (Canadian here), that there's nothing wrong with being gay. It just is what it is, and it really isn't a big deal. Why people like your grandfather and your father take such extreme positions on something that has really nothing to do with them remains a mystery to me. Because really - what difference does it make?!? So there will come a time where you'll be confident enough in that position to say "I don't care what you think Grandpa. I'm the great person that you raised me to be and I just happen to be gay. If you don't like that and can't respect me now as you did before I told you, then that's YOUR problem. When you've come around, you can give me a call." I know that's easier said than done, but eventually you'll get there. It will become more and more awkward to maintain your 'pretend' relationship with him as you get comfortable with being gay and his position on it doesn't change. With some people, it takes finding out that a loved one is gay for them to reconsider their attitudes. Because until it actually does affect them directly, why would they bother considering a different position? So that may be how this plays out. I hope so - for both your sakes. But in the end it really is your happiness that you need to concern yourself with. Forget about "hurting" people by coming out. You're not hurting them. You're just exposing their backwards attitudes for what they are - backwards. If they can't deal with that, that's their problem. Not yours.
Hiya babyjax! (love that name btw) I'm gonna echo everything that was said here to you also. If I could throw in a little on the best friend. I really think you should tell him. I was in almost your exact position. I felt that my best friend who, I literally call my brother, would be upset that I hadn't told him earlier also. I also had this built up guilt feeling of how fake I was being acting "straight" and stuff. So I told him, and after it happened, I asked him if he was upset and he said "You know what, just a little. I wish you told me earlier, but I'm glad your telling me now!" To this day our friendship has been as strong as it has ever been. He even wants to tag along to a gay club one of these days (God, I'm only hoping it means more than just the open minded person he is..lol) It will definitely relief some stress you are facing by going to a best friend. Hell, if he doesn't support you, he truely isn't your friend. You've come to the right place to seek advice and answers. I wish you best of luck! (*hug*) TB
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me Seeing your responses has almost brought me to tears, it's amazing to see other people that are willing to share their experiences. I want to respond individually to each of you, which I wouldn't normally do but I am so grateful to you all and I think it's a good sound board for me to respond to your thoughts; at the very least, it means more time for me to think about things. Lad123: Yah, I think you're right :icon_wink This is such a good way to put it, because that's exactly how I felt going through the motions to try and make people think I was interested in women. Since going to college I haven't had that pressure (as much) and it has been a tremendous blessing; I can't imagine going back. It's just funny to see things written and realize how much they really do to connect the dots. I don't know if I'm ready to start coming out to people, but I think it's coming soon and I just need to suck it up. Thank you so much for sharing this and your own experience, it's great to actually connect with people that can truly empathize with you. Thank you! Night Rain: I don't know if I'm ready to give up on the relationship yet. It certainly isn't healthy, but at the same time I really want it to work out. That of course plays back into my dilemma. But it's one step at a time, I guess. Right now I think the bulk of what I need to do is just get more confident with my own identity. A major part of that will be to start telling people - and I really want to do that - I just need to think about how more than anything. Out of everything I've read, this is the thing that is sticking out to me. I almost feel like I just need to "get over it" before I tell him that I am gay, but at the same time I don't know if I can sever the ties a bit while he doesn't know. It's not healthy for me to obsess about him and yet I do...He doesn't deserve to be treated like that and I certainly shouldn't be adding more stress on top of what's already going on... Well, maybe this resonates with me more. It's already weird enough being independent from parents, grandparent, etc. This whole concept of "it's your life" is almost....absurd to me. I guess I really need to get out more, haha :icon_bigg But in all seriousness, it's either my happiness or living up to someone else's expectations...so... ramon: I never really had thought of it this way....I guess with so many other people that already "see" what my orientation is, it's not that far fetched that he would as well. He certainly hasn't been turned off of our friendship despite some pretty obvious question marks...well, maybe more like stereotypical question marks; but I know that I exude "I'm gay" just enough to make people wonder. Haha, maybe that's why the girls ask me on the dates? :roflmao: Jim Thank you so much for saying this....yet another thing that hit home.... TrueBlue Thank you so much for your reply. I think you're all right about telling him, I just have to start working up the courage to get the process started. I guess I'm questioning my orientation a lot less than I implied earlier - it's just that I'm questioning whether or not the process is worth it. Did anyone else have these feelings?
I did it, I did it!!! I told my mom and she said, "you know this doesn't change anything, right?" Oh man, I am soooo happy. We talked for like three hours!!!! I almost told my friend too, I will at some point soon - I just have to wait until I think it's a good time and this wasn't. Thank you so much for your support; this is an amazing feeling!!!!
Congrats - as for your friends, pick the right time so you feel comfortable discussing it, and moreso they feel comfortable reacting to the news (cause they probably haven't been planning this conversation lol), asking questions, etc... make sure you have some open time to chat so things don't get "bottled up" after the "announcement". When it's time it's time. Good luck.
Hey, babyjax13! Glad to hear that the first step wasn't too bad. I feel particularly drawn to your story, as it sounds like you're having a lot of the same misgivings that I have/had, including the 3-year relationship with a girl who seemed perfect...except...not perfect at all, and the complete lack of...um...experience with guys. I'm sorry that you have some family issues on top of an already stressful load. Stress sucks, and there's no telling when it's going to go away most of the time. I'll echo the guys above and say that it might help you to speak with your good friend sooner rather than later. It's going to be like ripping off a gigantic band-aid. But you'll be able to BREATHE afterwards. I came out to my sister and a relatively distant gay guy a couple of months ago, but I have not really opened the door beyond that, as I just had too much other stuff going on. But it was enough to make me more comfortable with myself until I can actually find concrete evidence (i.e. the boyfriend) that I'm gay. A little breathing room. We're all secretly hoping that this friend of yours makes out with you on the spot or something crazy like that, but even in the more likely outcome you probably won't be disappointed. Friends will adapt and adjust in order to support one another. You aren't even changing who you are, you're just changing the label, so to speak. So let your friend know that he doesn't need to do much, only to accept you and to be the same supportive friend he's always been. Don't rush it, but don't run away when the time is right either. Good luck, and please keep us updated!
Whatever happens with him will make me happy. I'm not really worried about it. We're both on summer break right now and I saw him last weekend but it just didn't seem like a good time to bring it up. My stepdad knows too, he said "well I guess it's not a choice then." Haha, he's on night shift so I don't see him at all (cause I work 10 hour days) but I told my mom if she wanted to talk to him she could. It's so great to get such support. I'm feeling a little bit lost though cause as much of a relief as it is, now you face a whole new set of things (although, most are exciting). I've thought about emailing "C" or calling him, but I think this is one thing that I need to do in person. Plus, if you're rooting for me, it makes it a lot more likely :icon_wink
Well, I thought I'd offer up an update since you all were so helpful and supportive. First, I told my friend. It went absolutely great, lots of hugs, lots of tears and lots of talking about what things are really important in life. I've been a wreck the last couple of weeks, but he's put humpty-dumpty back together again several times. Our relationship, if anything, is much closer. I've actually told a couple of friends now, ones that I know won't tell (I'm not at that point yet). I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to just be 'me' and it's getting much easier, even with people that just have no clue. There are days when I'm extremely depressed/nervous, but they are getting fewer and further between. I started seeing a counselor because of this and my family situation. So far it has been a positive environment and I am feeling better. I've ordered some self-help books; they may or may not do anything, haha. I've also changed my major(s) to Psychology and Political Science. It feels so right. I want to help children who have had absent parents or who are dealing with problems with step-parents. I think that a service like that would be great; I wish I had had it. That's about it. Thank you so much!
