I'm over 50 and have just come out of the closet. While I'm not planning on going from one relationship in the immediate future to another I hope to find one before I'm too old. I want to determine if a relationship (and dating) with younger men (30ish) is a pipe dream. In other words, is this just a ridiculous fantasy. Much has already been written about this on the www and here on EC and I don't want to waste anybodies time. What I'm looking for are the values and interests that have underpinned your gay relationships. I know a lot is just common sense but maybe I'm overlooking something or am close-minded. What I do know is this is new for me and rejection is frightening. Any comments?
Well Barney Frank (72) just married his partner who is 42, whom he met in 2005 (in his 30's) So there is at least one example of true love and happiness in a couple with an age difference! (*hug*) Maxx
An age difference at those two ages (50s and 30s) isn't really a big deal. And it's possible, though the guys in their 30s who would want to be in a relationship with someone 20 years older are probably either not that well adjusted psychologically, or looking for a handout, or something of that nature. So you have to consider that when you're thinking in that direction. Aside from that... the first question I'd be asking yourself is why are you placing an arbitrary thing of focusing on people who are 20 years younger? What should really matter is the emotional connection to the person, and you might be more likely to find that connection if you focus on someone closer to your own age. I mean I know Hugh Hefner has a bazillion 20 year old girlfriends and all that... but clearly he isn't interested in a deep, meaningful relationship. Looks fade... but someone who genuinely loves and cares about you is going to, in my book at least, be a much better bet in the long run.
I agree with Chip! To be fair, I do prefer guys somewhat younger than myself, but more due to physical attraction, which is secondary to emotional attachment for me.
I think this is just a phase in my development. I feel that I lost so much time in coming out of the closet and I want to feel more vital and energetic. I'm not deluding myself in thinking I can turn back the clock-I know better. But, younger men tend to be more active and I like that scenario. Sexual activity definitely plays a part in my attraction and I'm guilty of being molded by our society that values youth over wisdom. ---------- Post added 13th Jul 2012 at 10:33 AM ---------- Murcuree, Thanks for your perspective. I'll take a strong emotional connection over physical too. I would just like to know that I'm appealing to younger men on occasion. It's pure ego and as long as I don't get delusional about the youth aspect I think I'll be fine.
My husband and I are the same age (well, I'm 41 and he's 42). What works for us is that we're both financially secure. We're both at the same point in our careers - well established professionals. We both have kids from previous marriages to women, and the kids are similar in age - which means the family dynamics are really great. We're working on the same timeline in terms of retirement and other major milestones. All of these things make our relationship easier than if there were major differences. I can certainly sympathise with you though about coming out later in life. I was in my mid 30s and felt like I had missed out on a lot. (And I felt an attraction to younger guys as well - figuring that if I'd come out in my 20s I'd have initially dated guys in my 20s.) That passed (I think!). Welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.
That's a very insightful view, and one that most people just starting the coming out process later in life have difficulty owning. I know a lot of older people that go through a stage of wanting to recapture lost youth and, in so doing, seek out much younger partners. I suspect it's also quite common to see older men, consciously or unconsciously, look for someone younger that they can "take care of", which can be an unconscious desire to take care of ourselves in a way that we didn't experience when we were younger. But the antidote for that behavior -- like most any unconscious behavior -- is owning it, talking about it, and understanding where it comes from. It seems like you're already on that path, which is, as I said, putting you much further ahead of many others in your position, and I think will really help you in finding a healthy relationship in the long term.
