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need to vent, i need advice!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tails47, Jul 12, 2012.

  1. Tails47

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    Okay, I made a topic similar like a month ago, but I'm in a rut and really have no other place to go.

    To make a long story short--

    I came out to my mom, dad, and brother december '08 during winter break from my freshman year of college and they took it awfully. I wasn't allowed to come out to any friends back at home, but I came out at school. so basically I was out, and completely accepted and then shunned a regected back home. They made me go to conversion therapy for about a year before I said I 'needed to focus on school'. We never talk about the issue either, we'll talk about it once every three months, which really just turns into a big fight. They also always make rude and bigoted remarks about gays and homosexuality.

    Fast forward to July 2012 and I feel stuck and alone. I've graduated college now and things are just the same. I practically pushed away all my friends from home so I wouldn't come out to them. I just feel really sad and alone. It sucks going from a place where you are okay to be YOU and then go back to a place where you can't even be myself. And even then I had to make sure my tracks were covered, because I went to college 25 minutes away from home--a lot of people from my hometown went there, so I was really only out in front of friends, but still, with them I was able to be myself and I felt normal for a change. I don't feel that way with my family, I purposely change my voice so it doesn't sound *as gay* and I really hold back a lot of my mannerisms and such because my fam thinks I act *too gay*, which I find funny because I'm really not that 'stereotypical gay guy* but they have such a narrowminded veiw on life, that any glimpse of what looks gay, they kill me for it.

    Now, I love my family, but its killing me. I feel like I'm missing out on so much ya know. I don't want to sound narcissistic, but I'm a good looking, smart, funny, caring guy, and I'm at the point now where I feel like im wasting my youth and my time. I don't want to cause any fights or drama or anything, but I can't live like this, and we can't discuss this 'issue' without fighting, so I really don't know how to handle this.

    I hope this was coherent, because I feel like this entire post is just unorganized word vomit haha, but I just don't know what to do regarding this. I know it sounds dumb because I'm 22, but if they kick me out, like what will i do? I don't know how to handle this situation and I'd appreciate it if I could just get some help/advice/words or encouragement/someone to talk to. Thanks EC!
     
  2. awesomeyodais

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    Nah I think most people here will be able to relate to it in some way. Unorganized word vomit has a nice ring to it :wink:.

    Congrats for having the courage to come out even though it didn't work out as well as you'd hope. And for doing it at school as well. It makes me sad and angry to hear about the whole conversion thing, and the lack of acceptance. Others may have different opinions but if it's been 4 years and they're still not accepting and telling you who you can be out with at 22, well I'm afraid your happy future won't include a lot of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with that biological family :frowning2:.

    I would guess your next step is to work on a "secret escape plan" - so a job of some sort, so that you can move out on your own and live the life you want to live, of which you got a sneak preview in college. Whether that job and then new home is close so you can still have contact with some of your good friends from college, or away so you can start fresh is the next question. Depending on your studies and qualifications that decision might be easier (i.e. if there's no obvious employment in your field near home then I guess you're moving farther away, or getting a "generic" job for now). In the meantime, try to put some money aside starting now, and curb any non-essential purchases, because moving out is full of little "extras" you probably haven't planned for, same for job hunting esp. out of town. And realize that your first place won't be anything big or fancy, but it will be special because at least you will be free to be yourself. Good luck.

    p.s. If they can't accept you for who you are, which is apparently a smart funny caring good looking guy who happens to "be wired to" like similar guys, it's their problem and their journey, and it's not your fault or responsibility to fix. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh. Remember that over time, you will build your "chosen family" that will consist of supportive, accepting, loving people who love you for who you are.

    p.p.s. I read your other thread, and one thing I want to add is about the "caregiver syndrome" - always remind yourself of the security presentation before a flight - if you are traveling with children or someone who needs assistance, put YOUR mask on before assisting the other traveler. I know, easier said than done when you have that caregiver mentality.
     
    #2 awesomeyodais, Jul 12, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2012
  3. PuzzlePieces

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    That is just horribly wrong of your family. my family knows i'm bisexual-they don't necissarily agree but they don't lash out at me. I completely agree with awesomeyodais guy up there^^. you are who you are and if your family can't handle it, be with the people who can, who love you for you! I can't especially relate, but I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to take your sexuality in stride and be yourself! easier said than done of course, but it must be worth it in the end:slight_smile:
     
  4. Tails47

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    thanks, i just don't want to lose them, but at the same time I want to be able to be me and be happy--but even if i do stand up for myself and i'm left alone, i won't be happy either. its a lose-lose, and i think thats why I'm in such a crappy mood lately, because I realize that those are really my only options, and i won't be happy either way.
     
  5. Carpenterguy

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    Similar boat here bud I am 28, came out when I was 19 my rents didn't talk to me for 2 months after and to this day 9 years later people do not change. If they are pig headed and stubborn unable to cope or deal with a situation and see it as a small part of your life then you need to move on. I have recently tried to re-Conside and re build what we broken wrote them a two page letter size 10 font discussing what upsets me. Only to be ignored and nothing brought up. My siblings are treated differently. It is not fair nor right and which ever way possible you need to get yourself out of a hostile environment. It's taken me 9 years of regrets and being the black sheep to realize I have to quite looking for acceptance in there eyes and live my own life how it is meant to be.