In therapy I am getting closer to talking about my shame (basically that I am not good enough because I am gay) but it is painfully uncomfortable and so the shame escalates. I know I have to do this to move forward. I want to accept myself and lead an open and honest life. I am resentful of the money I'm pouring into Therapy, so putting pressure on myself to move things on. Today I feel ugly inside and out. The shame is sitting close to the surface. It helps to write. Somehow it makes me feel less toxic. I'll welcome any ideas on how to free myself from the shackles of shame. I am familiar with Brené Brown's work and this has helped. Anything else?? Thank you lovely people
Rose, I don't really have many suggestions. But I can relate. I was literally suffocating to death beneath the shame that I carried around with me, before I came out of the closet. All I can offer is encouragement. You can overcome this. *hugs* I'll be back later, I have class now, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Being gay is no shame! It's very natural and it doesn't make you a worse person. You need to accept your sexuality (I know you know this). The first step is to stop calling this a "shame". By thinking of your sexuality as a shame, you created a barrier that prevents you from coming to terms with yourself. I suggest that you read some stories here to get a better idea and feel more comfortable with yourself.
I can't offer any specific advice other than to just take one day at a time. I am at the beginning of a realization about my sexuality, and something that helps me is that every day I wake up and give myself permission to be who I am. I tell myself that if I see an attractive woman, I'm allowed to enjoy looking at her. I say these things out loud before I even get out of bed. It helps me prepare to go through my day as the person I am, whoever that is, instead of the person I thought I was for so long, which is hard to get used to. One thing I refuse to do is to let my sexuality define me. I am so many other things, and I am still the same human being I've always been. Have you always known you are gay, or is it something you're just discovering? I won't pretend to know exactly what you are going through, because each person's journey is different - we all start at different places, and the path we travel to become accepting varies, but you are not alone. There are so many people who have been where you are and have come through it stronger and happier. I hope that you can find a way to accept the wonderful person you are and live your life true to yourself. Shame does nothing but set unnecessary barriers that injure us more. I wish you the best. You have found a very welcoming community of people who want to help. Utilize us as best you can.
According to Dr. Brown, the antidote to shame is empathy and talking about it. So you're already taking the steps in the right direction by talking about it here, where you have many, many others who have experienced or are experiencing the exact same feelings you are. I can suggest -- if it feels safe to do so -- to talk even more directly about what you feel shame about. What is it that makes you feel "not good enough" about being gay? How does that manifest (i.e., what, specifically, are the messages that run around in your brain?) The more you can open up directly to the shame feelings, the more quickly they are extinguished by the light. And I think the other piece to keep in mind is... pretty much everyone at EC has felt exactly what you're feeling. I can totally remember being incredibly ashamed about being gay, and not wanting anyone to know, and not thinking anyone would love me if they knew. And as I processed it and worked on it, I found that my beliefs were completely irrational... and as I told more people, I realized that, pretty much, nobody cares... and those who do think it's a big deal either haven't worked through it yet or are people I don't need to be spending time around.
Spending time here on EC helped me a lot! I didn't feel as bad about my orientation as you seem to, but I didn't feel great about it either. And I came here, and interacted with a really awesome bunch of people. And they were gay (for the most part). Gay and awesome. Awesome and gay. And otherwise very normal - spanning the entire cross section of cultures, ethnicities, economic backgrounds, etc. And I came to realize that if all of these different people could be awesome and gay at the same time, so can I! If there's nothing wrong with them, then there's nothing wrong with me either. You're awesome too. You just haven't quite managed to see that yet. But I hope that you will soon. You deserve to be free from this baggage that you're carrying around. It isn't doing you any good - it is holding you back!
Thank you all. Yes, shame is such a barrier. And so is fear. I'm working hard on becoming more comfortable with myself. I think I pretty much accept myself but I have only come out to one person (two including my therapist) and I am stuck because my fear is too great. Deep down I think I always knew I was gay but I managed to pretend orherwise, including to myself until late last year. I did reveal my feelings about being gay to my ex boyfriend 18 months into our ten year relationship. He was supportive and comforting but he did not validate my feelings because he convinced me that they were not real. Because I did not want them to be real I believed him, stuffing my feelings. Although we loved each other dearly it was not a happy relationship. I actually just had a session with my therapist. I know I made progress, managing to feel some of my buried grief. Crying is progress. I'm so used to distracting myself from pain that it is difficult to stay with it. But I will try to, and be kind to myself along the way. ---------- Post added 13th Jul 2012 at 11:44 AM ---------- Thanks Jim, I want to be where you are. I do. And that is progress in itself after denying so strongly who I am for all of these years. I agree that this forum is excellent. It is already an important part of my journey and I will keep going! ---------- Post added 13th Jul 2012 at 11:54 AM ---------- Chip I know my fears are irrational but right now I am trapped in my self-imposed silence. I am ashamed at my lack of courage as a teenager, although thinking back not a single person at my school had come out. At college it was different and I had many gay friends and acquaintances, including one guy I was pretty close to. I know I must show compassion towards myself. Forgive myself. This is easier because I now have some understanding of why I couldn't make a different choice for myself at the time. I want my friends to know because I need them but I am so scared.
