Sometimes I can calm myself down, but those times are few and far between. I cry very often and it's very hard to contain it. Truth be told I hate myself for being stuck like this. I wish I had been born female, as I am now I feel like a dirty thing that shouldn't exist. This isn't to say I think poorly of trans people, this is just me, my lack of progress, how trapped I feel. I feel like I'm going to be stuck like this forever, eternally alone without a single friend or person in my life to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright. No matter how much hope this place and my freinds on the net seem to give me sometimes, or the wonderful people I meet here, I just rebound back to being sad again. One moment I'm happy and full of hope, the next moment I'm in tears. I hate my life.
Honestly, I feel the same way. Sometimes I'll be happy and cheerful, but then it feels like I woke up and I realise that I'm still male, hairy, and have the wrong parts. And I start feeling like some sort of sick freak, and I'll get depressed and break down in tears. I hate being this way, but I am and sometimes I think I'll never be able to change it. It's hard to accept myself when I feel like no one else would, and I feel alone. I wish I knew how to stop feeling that way, and I really wish I had the experience to be of some help, but I don't think I do. I'm not even sure if I've made it to square one yet. I guess it's like climbing a steep hill; just keep going forward. It's okay to sit down, take a break, and let it out, but don't give up, or it'll never happen.
(*hug*) I wish I could tell you it will be alright for either of us, but I can't. We're both still here though, and that counts for something. I can only hope that one day we will get there. Hopefully one day soon.
I am happy with the me on the inside. But the me on the outside upsets me. I can't accept myself until I have had my transition and operation. Until i have all the parts that a woman should have and can live freely as myself. Your words are kind however, and I thank you for them. (*hug*)
