So here's my rambling tale that I've been working on for a few days now, each time I look at it and revise it it seems to be more confusing on my end, so it's getting posted before not saying it allows me to twist it into completely disjointed jibberish: I'm not as heterosexual as I always thought I was, my husband's actually the one that noticed the way I look at girls and occasionally develop crushes and pointed that out years back. I was completely clueless, I've been boy-crazy since I was in kindergarten and just never consciously thought about girls. He is completely supportive of me exploring this (even if he's not involved). I've always been kind of timid when it comes to relationships and other than porn & checking out girls w/hubby every once and a while, I've ignored it until my most recent crush brought these feelings back to the surface. I'm not looking to leave my husband, I love him very much and am still very much physically attracted to him. We've talked at length about this, as long as I'm open, honest, and not replacing him, he does not see this as a threat to our relationship (He's also welcome to open the relationship on his end with similar restrictions set - neither of us are looking to go hog wild, but acknowledging the possibility one person can't satisfy every situation through life). With that openness, I'm starting to feel as though ignoring these feelings will likely lead to more pain and confusion later in life. I think that might also be part of hubby's support in me exploring this - reassurance that if I actually "go" that I "come back" instead of it suddenly happening who knows how far down the road for good. The best scenario I could see coming from this would be an upfront, honest, FWB relationship however far it gets/however long it lasts, which still scares the hell out of me. I haven't dated since high school, even then I only dated males that were already friends who blatantly asked me out. I really have not had strong female friends whatsoever since I began dating. Looking back, as a teen I never knew how to deal with girls; it makes me wonder if it's because I had these feelings that I never thought to acknowledge & sort out. Which means I'd have to sort through all that and learn how to make friends. I feel like a complete scared and confused kid about all of this. But I'm not a kid, I've got a husband and a preteen and a job. Oh the job.... Male dominated workplace that ranges between kindergarten and middle school on the emotional development scale of a majority of my coworkers. Love 'em to death, but they're children. I'm well-respected, up for possible promotion to a supervisor this year, and I'm almost the youngest in the office. I'm not ashamed to be whoever I am there, but I am embarrassed to be visibly unsure of who I am, if that makes any sense. Family's not a huge concern. Obviously hubby knows, our kid's still young enough that I don't think they'd freak out if told at this point, in a few years that may change. Beyond that, I could care less who knows/thinks what in our family. At this point I'm not sure how much I care for labels, though it may be helpful if/when I come out. Then again I don't know how accurate they'd be. I tend to fall for who I fall for, and being that I fall for friends, the possibility is there that I could fall for anyone I could befriend.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I know this is scary and confusing but you're not alone. I was in my mid 30s when I figured out who I wass - married and with two young children. It can all work out - in many ways. My wife and I ended up splitting - but it doesn't have to be that way for everyone. Talking about it here helps. Talking about it with a counsellor would help too. The fact that you've brought it up with your husband is fantastic. I'm glad he has been so supportive. But don't worry about talking about it at work. I took 3 years to come out at work. You can decide much later if that is something you want or need to do. Good luck.
