Going insane (crush)

Normally I wouldn't advise acting on a crush on a friend, but in this case, not only does it sound like you have been nursing this for a long time, but now he's had this experience with another guy and is telling you about it - is it possible he's sharing it with you because he believes you won't judge him and that you're the only one he knows who will appreciate it (I'm assuming he knows you're gay)?

Obviously if he's been in CA for a while, you've learned to live without him on a day to day basis - what is your closeness based on now? Are you prepared to deal with at least some short term rejection/distance if you don't hear what you want?

Otherwise, and all else being equal, I say talk to him - put your cards on the table. You never know - this could have been his round-about way of expressing some sort of interest in you (this is a stretch though, especially not knowing him, so don't quote me on it), and if it helps, in my experience it's difficult being someone's first gay contact if you want to actually date them long-term. Even if it doesn't work out, do you want to sit around and watch him do this with other men in the future, or watch him date other women while you keep his secret?

Hope this helps - feel free to PM me if the "going insane" part isn't an exaggeration and you want to talk.

 

Did he have the experience while he was in CA or was he just saying he had one (perhaps years ago)?

 

I would suggest to act on it, the best way to get over a crush is to go for it and if you get rejected, hopefully you can get over him. I always find if I have a huge crush on someone and ask them out but nothing happens, or they say no then it's so much easier to get over them!

 

Sharing it doesn't seem to be too terrible an option in this case, compared to most crush stories where it's almost always a blanket "DON'T TELL THEM". I can't tell you what I think is best though.

I will say though, if you do tell him, I'd tread carefully. I'd actually suggest waiting on it maybe slightly. You didn't tell us all the context of his experience, so I don't know if it was strictly sexual or something more... but if he's even remotely questioning his sexuality you don't want to scare him off by adding this onto his plate. I think if you can fish around a little bit and see where his head's at, that'd be better.

On the other hand, I think you need to evaluate (if you're telling him) whether you're going to tell him you like him and see what he does, or tell him you like him and attempt to make a move. Again, if it's the latter, you very much run the risk of scaring him, not to mention losing your friendship. Not to mention I think declaring your love for him right after he explained to you how he was sexually with a man almost makes him... a sexual object to be desired by you, if that makes any sense. Your feelings for him are clearly more than just sexual, so I think that distinction needs to be made.

A couple other things (hopefully this won't take too long): Of course, there's the obligatory "you need to be prepared to lose the friendship" thing. Even though he's clearly cooler with gay guys more than the average guy... having your relationship change with someone that close to you over the course of 5 minutes can make way for some really emotionally charged reactions.

The other thing I'm thinking is that even though we all have our unobtainable crushes, most of us never actually get them. I gotta say, I think there's some element to an unobtainable crush that makes them more desirable ("hard to get"). That's not to say he'll be really boring or something if/once you start dating him, but I think it's possible that with crushes, we easily look at them through rose-coloured glasses. If it is at all possible for you, it might be worth taking a look, a real objective look, at who he really is and if he's something you're interested in.

Overall though, good luck, and keep us updated if you can! I'm curious to see how this pans out.

 

I see I see. I know I threw that point in there somewhere, but it was mostly just to cover all the bases... it didn't really sound like you wanted him that way . What I did mean is that he might see it as you only (or predominantly, at that moment) want him for sex. Of course, that's given his experience he shared was only about the sex. But I digress. In the grand scheme of things, that's not a big deal and easily fixed with some open/honest communication.

What I meant by that quote was that we (or maybe it's just me) have a tendency to amplify our crush's positives and downplay their negatives - that "rose-coloured glasses" idea. Like I said, maybe it was just me, but I went through something similar with a friend over the course of the last year. We haven't known each other nearly as long as you guys have, but he's easily my closest guy friend, and we have a lot in common. But, I think once I hit this point where I intentionally picked out flaws in him, relationship-material-wise, he suddenly became less attractive to me. There weren't really that many either... I mean on paper, he's a great match for me in nearly every way, but there are little things he does that I don't think I could put up with if we were more than friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm still crushing on him, but not nearly as hard as before.

But of course, I think it's probably difference with the length and depth of your relationship vs. my relationship. Might be worth trying out though?

 

Maybe you should try testing the waters a little bit first? Ask him his views on wether he would consider a serious realtionship with another man, that kind of thing. Maybe try adding in a slightly more flirtatious line (but not anything OTT) if the situation arises and see how he reacts. If its bad, laugh it off, if its good, try a bit more flirting

 

This.

Or just tell him everything. I mean, you two are very close, right? Then he won't suddenly hate you.

 

Gotcha - that makes a difference. I had gotten the impression he'd been there a while, my bad. In that case, though, even if you do discuss your feelings, I find it hard to believe that he would just walk out on you. So that's a plus.

Well, let's save bodily assault for a last resort. But, I do understand the feeling...

With your friend winking and nudging you about this, I have to imagine - unless he's somehow secretly an asshole that you've managed to stay friends with forever (not likely) - that he doesn't realize how hurt you are from this.

Question - do you think it's possible that your feelings for him now are coming just from jealousy? You mention that you'd had this under control until you heard about this, and admittedly the list of non-deal-breaker flaws sound like the kind of thing that could get under your skin after a while. This may not be the case, but I wanted to mention it at least. If it's helpful, do with it what you will, if not, forget I said it.

You've kind of hinted at this in the thread, but it could be possible to talk to him about these feelings without implying that you want to be in a relationship with him. You could even be explicit - "Even though I'm not sure I see us working as a couple (or "even though I don't expect you to return them"), I do have some feelings for you, so this is making me really uncomfortable and it would be nice if you could soften the flirtiness and keep details to a minimum for a while" - or you could just be diplomatic and neutral - "look, I need to tell you about some feelings I've been having, because they might make a difference in our situation here..."

I have had conversations like this before, and it is possible to be respectful of your own and another's feelings, even when you don't want the same thing. It's just a matter of re-drawing a couple key boundaries (even if only in the short term) - unless you want to be neutral and see what he does with the news.

 

I wouldn't let that break your heart. If he were to say that, it's probable the next thing he says as he's accepting himself is "I could try dating a guy to see what it's like."

 

Wow, that sound terrible :/. Well atleast now we atleast know that he atleast enjoyed the sex. So I say that the glass is half full .

If I were you I would just begin testing the waters. Joke around a bit to let him know that you are an option. Maybe when he is talking about the girls, he is having a hard time getting, you could say "Well I'm always here" and smile lol. Basically show him that you would date him without coming across as obsessive. People dont usually react well when they feel like someone, they dont like, has feeling for them.

So the perks of being alittle more flirty is that if he is open to the idea of being with you, he will take the comments as flirting and openings. But if he isnt interested in you he will probably see them as friends joking around.

 

Aww, what happened? Did you get anything out, or does he have no idea what you were trying to say?

Sleep if you need to, but if you can get up, try to take a walk, or take a bath, or go get a coffee at your favorite coffee place.

Don't feel too down. Conversations like these are tough to have. You'll make it.

 

Sorry to hear about the outcome; but, I'm glad you had an amicable resolution to it.