1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

To come out or not....??

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jojoe30, Jul 15, 2012.

  1. Jojoe30

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Okay, here's my "sitch"...(hoping someone can relate).....I'm currently questioning whether or not I'm gay. I'm confused because I find myself longing for a family, although I feel my desire to have my own kids is greater than the desire to have a wife. On the other hand, I've been physically attracted to men since middle school....I just turned 30 a month ago. I'm starting to think the only attraction I have to women is their companionship since I always relate to them easier for some reason....lol!

    Here's the more serious issue: Ive been raised to believe that homosexuality is an abomination and therefore a one-way ticket to hell. I believe in God and have found Him to show up in several different areas of my life....except this area....I can't seem to figure out what He truly feels on the topic and what is pure misinterpretation by the people around me.

    I love my family including my 4 nephews & niece. I can't imagine life without them but I'm almost 100% sure that if I were to embrace homosexuality, that I'd be excommunicated from the family or have an "intervention" in which they would try to have me cured.

    In addition to family, all of my friends are Christian and seem to share the "homosexuality is a sin" idea. So no help there.

    Last, but not least, I teach at a private Christian school. This coming school year will be my 5th year there. Our contract clearly states that we must not engage in homosexual activities. (also says we are not to consume acoholic beverages outside our homes...whoops!... I know Im not the only staff member that has breached that part of their contract!)

    So to really sum things up: I'm beginning to realize that the reason I haven't had any successful romantic relationships with women is because I'm attracted to men. Unfortunately, it also appears that the only way for me to embrace homosexuality as okay would be for me to either come out followed by leaving everyone & everything I love & trying to start a completely new life in a less homophobic city.....or fake my death somehow & then adopt a new identity as a gay man in a less homophobic city...kinda feel like as ridiculous as the last option sounds, it's probably equally as difficult if not easier to do than the 1st option.

    Sorry this was soooo lengthy but considering that I'm feeling trapped & alone...I was just hoping to find a similar story if not some sound advice.
     
  2. Night Rain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    I very much want to do that last option.:lol:

    I can't believe they have that in your contract. That is sheer discrimination. I don't think you should come out at all, given your situation. What will coming out accomplish? It will bring nothing but despair to you.

    But that doesn't mean you should live the rest of your life like that. You should be happy. You don't necessarily need to acquire an entirely new identity.:lol: Just move to a different place where people are more accepting and start anew. That's what I recommend. When you finally settle in, make new friends,... you can come out to your family and see their reaction. If it's bad, well, you have a new home. If they accept you, then all's well that ends well! No matter how much you love your family, you can't torture yourself like this. I think your nephews and niece being of the younger generation would understand.

    On a side note, aren't you old enough to not let them interfere with your life? They can't force you to be "cured"!
     
  3. J Snow

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2011
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ames, Iowa
    Okay, there is actually quite a bit here I can relate to, so let me try to break this down into nice bite size fractions.

    I kind of feel similarly. Granted I just got out of a 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy, but most men I just feel no emotional attraction. This might sound slutty, but most guys I feel "I would want their penis in or around me," and most girls I feel, "I want to get to know them and bond with them as a person." Its really bizarre and confusing, and I don't have a lot of advice on that topic unfortunately as I'm still working on it myself.

    While this is really a personal matter of faith, I can say I went to 13 years of Catholic school and I'm still convinced that homosexuality is in no way a sin. Here is a list of reasons why.

    1. The bible contradicts itself.
    2. Jesus never said 2 words about homosexuality in the bible
    3. The bible was written by a number of men (surprisingly none of which being God or Jesus =P )
    4. There are so many rules that are stupid and people just overlook entirely, Like not eating pork shellfish/ how to treat your slaves/ to not sit on any seat a woman on her period ever sat on
    5. An abomination was actually considered a cultural taboo in the Jewish culture. Paul's passage referring to it as such was supposedly supposed to be saying that it is a cultural taboo as opposed to a sin.
    6. The Jewish people had no concept of homosexuality. What they thought of as lying with a man was in reference to the Greek culture. In which a young man would be courted by an older gentleman whom which he would receive the seed of the older man, then start a family with a woman, and proceed to court younger gentlemen as the dominant older male. Now, that was what EVERY man did in the Greek culture. It was considered shameful to not be able to attract an older male. This tradition is what the Jewish people were referencing when they talked about laying with a man, NOT two men in love making love. That concept didn't even exist to them.

    As I said, I was sent to Catholic school from Kindergarden through high school. My mom is ultra conservative. She blames everyone on the planet on "the liberals." So when I came out as gay to them, I was pretty much planning on never speaking to my family again. Well, it sucked. It really sucked, and we've never talked about it again. But they still love me. They still support me financially. Chances are, they will hate the news, but that doesn't mean they will hate you.

    Having gone to a private Catholic school, I can just say, I know they aren't messing around. If you come out publicly, you should probably count on losing your job. It sucks, but they can do it. I would just say to make sure you have a solid backup plan ready to go if you choose to come out.
     
  4. Jojoe30

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Thanks for the advice. Being new to this site...I haven't quite figured out how to quote someone. Anywho, in response to Night Rain: I kinda have an ulterior motive for the fake death approach....I would get an accomplice ( don't know who) to install a hidden camera...so that once I've relocated with a new identity I could totally see how the funeral turned out...lol...vain..probably...I'm not really gonna do that though because regardless of what happens, I love my family & friends too much to put them through that. Course some family & friends would possibly treat me as if I died & no longer existed. As far as too old for them to interfere...definitely! Although I just turned 30....I feel like @ least 24/25. My job as an elementary teacher keeps me young I think. Unfortunately in 2006 I attempted suicide...which landed me in a psychiatric ward....ive recovered from that but this coming out issue was definitely a factor in the feeling suicide was a good way out. On top of family & few friends that know about the suicide, I got diagnosed with a heart condition about a year later....had 2 mild heart attacks since. So I guess with the suicide & heart attacks....family & friends tend to be a little overprotective which in turn treat me like a troubled teenager even if they don't do so intentionally.

    In response to J Snow: I'm glad to see that you can relate. I've really got to some research into this homosexuality is a sin idea. I know that I'm no longer convinced that the idea is valid but I'm too uncertain that God will accept me as a homosexual. As far as the job goes, the pay kinda sucks anyway...lol...so as much as I enjoy my coworkers & students, you're not the 1st one to tell me to look elsewhere....although you're the 1st to know I'd be leaving for reasons other than the pay.

    Not trying to sound like a psycho but I really appreciate you two & anyone else that has genuine encouraging advice. I just wish i had that kind of support @ home. Maybe one day I'll be able to have my cake & eat it too! Definitely no pun intended there!
     
  5. J Snow

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2011
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ames, Iowa
    If there is a God, and I still believe there is one, perhaps not the Judeo-Christian one exactly, I think he has bigger things to worry about than whom we warm our beds with. I can relate though. When I was in Catholic school I just told myself, "I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay, but its better to be safe than sorry." I think that's what a lot of people think, but one day it just hit me that its not.

    I guess I just started looking at things with common sense. Biblical passages were used to promote slavery in America. In school do you know what I was taught about birth control? Essentially that it was a horrible sin to use a condom, the pill, etc. and we were taught a "Natural Family Planning" alternative "pope approved" method, which was basically "don't have sex when can she can get knocked up." The next best thing to pulling out.

    Now, I'm not going to claim to be a genius, but it seems horrible to me for them to demonize smart decisions. We aren't talking about abortion. I'm talking about the church thinking a piece of rubber is "unnatural" and using it is a sin. It saddens me to think how many children were born into unloving homes or homes that are unable to provide for them, or even worse no home at all. All of this because a man in Rome says so. (I swear I'm tying this back to what we were talking about)

    So I start thinking about this and how my "better to be safe than sorry" approach is causing so much harm with this issue, and I tie it back to what I used to think about homosexuality. I listening to coming out stories, to stories of kids bullied and high school, and how I sit back comfortably saying nothing and hiding while these kids that are abused take all of this harm.

    So, I made the decision, that what seems right to me is to be open and stand up for what I believe in, not just for me but for the people in worse circumstances than I. The only way societies ever change is from within. So, I know that coming out is what I believe is right. I wasn't and am not trying to find a loop hole or make some excuse. I'm proud of who I am because I believe I have done what I can to make the "right" decisions. If there is an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient being out there then I believe he would be able to see that and acknowledge it regardless of whether ze agrees with it or not.

    I may have gotten a bit philosophical there, but I thought it might help you to see the thought process I went through myself.