Coming out later-grieving the lost years

I think it is natural for those of us that finally admit to ourselves we are gay later in life to grieve for the 'years that might have been'. It is natural to think of how great our lives would have been had we figured this all out earlier.

But you know what? We didn't. Our paths took a different route - and our path made us who we are - including making us strong enough, or insightful enough, or just lucky enough to realize who we truly are. How can we be sorry for that? Don't be ashamed of the path you took - it has made you the unique person you are. Probably a more empathetic, thoughtful person who has a better understanding of the opposite sex, relationships, struggle, and love - than most.

From my standpoint - there is no need to forgive yourself - because you are perfect the way you are. And now you've realized for yourself you are that perfection. Instead of looking behind - look forward to the many happy years ahead of you - living a rich, vibrant life that is fully consistent with the perfection you are, and finding people to share that life with.

Sounds pretty great to me! Why not start now?

Maxx

 

I definitely empathize with feeling like you've lost so much time, but like maxx said, there is no going backward, only forward. Look ahead, envision the wonderful life that you can now start building. Every moment you spend regretting is one you didn't spend living. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in life and love.

Iris~

 

I know exactly what you're going through Rose; I'm going through the same thing. (*hug*)

I actually just finished writing a post in another thread trying to describe to some younger members of EC why my therapist doesn't have to really push me, that my motivation is coming from within.

I took a slightly different path than you, but ended up in roughly the same place. I never entered into a relationship with anyone, and as far as everyone knows I'm pretty much a sexless creature. I'm pretty sure most people suspect that I'm gay, though, or it has at least crossed their minds. If I wore a sign that said, "I'm 100% Gay." I'd probably see some people yawning and most everyone nodding their heads and shrugging their shoulders, like "Duh. We knew that already."

I grew to accept being gay quietly, but I could never bring myself to live openly. I still carried to much shame and fear. That's something I'm working on at the moment.

My big turning point came in December of last year. I am twenty-nine and I was looking at the prospect of turning thirty. I don't know if you've hit this point in your life yet, but it was basically a midlife crisis.

I panicked. I imagined myself at age forty, looking back and seeing myself in the same position I am currently in as I turn thirty. I looked around me at people I grew up with, and I see them with families and children. I see children growing up to become adults. I see the world moving on... and there I was. Stuck. The same. I could feel time passing me by - like I had gained the wisdom that comes with age, but nothing else that would normally come with it.

After freaking out (and continuing to freak out), I made a pledge to get my life in order. To stop ignoring the shit I've ignored since I was a kid, and stand up and finally face it. I found everything that I could to numb my problems and pain, to forget about it, to face the world with a smile.

It's at that point in my life that I realized - that I was forced to accept - that someday I was going to get old. Someday I was going to die. Someday in the future I'm going to wake up and still be alone. At that moment I'm going to look back over every dream I ever had for myself, every hope that I ever had for my future, and I'm going to realize that I've run out of time. I'm going to realize it's too late. I'm going to look back on my life with nothing but regret, because I'm going to see what could have been.

I sat down and looked at my life, at the prospect of turning thirty, my realistic future if I continued on the same path and asked myself, "Is this it? Is this all my life is going to amount too?" I was - and still am - unsatisfied. I wanted more. Then that's when I heard that little inner voice respond back to me, "Yes. This is all there is, this is your life, and it is short and running out."

That's really the source of my panic and fear, because there are two options that I could have taken. The first was to accept it passively. That was the easy choice, I could have taken it and kept on doing what I was doing. The world wouldn't have cared. The second choice, the one I took, was the hard one. It meant that I had to face my problems and the challenges that come with them. It meant that I have to go into the dark places where my fears hide and confront them.

It's the fear of that little voice being right; that this really is it for me. It's within my power to prove it wrong, to change things, to become the person that I want to be... but it is hard, difficult, and painful. It is also necessary.

I think being in this position is both a blessing and a curse. We lost time, yes, but we also gained wisdom. We know we have the ability to change our lives, to become the people we desire to be, and because we lost that time we know it's value and the price of wasting it. How many people will go through their lives without realizing that? Most people I'd say.

We're still young, at least, so we have what's left of our youth to make up for what we lost in the beginning.

 

Those of us who spent many, many years living lives that didn't match the one we now desire can't help but have regrets. I can spend my time regretting or being thankful for the experiences I did have and the people I know that I only would have met on that path. I wouldn't have my children or my granddaughter - and the world wouln't have them either. Yes, it's hard in this time of transition because everyone is in pain, but I hope in time we'll all come to understand that our lives are just as they are, the only path is forward.

Be thankful for your experiences, and let your present put you on the perfect path to the future you deserve!

(*hug*)

55

 

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through and deal with that. I'm only eighteen, and I already feel like I've missed out on a lot of the "normal" things that most people experience by the time they're my age. So I can't even imagine the pain and sadness that you've gone through(*hug*).

The best thing to do is just to not dwell on the past and start paving a path for a better tomorrow .

 

I often give myself a hard time for this as well, but if I live my life in regret than I also regret the life I've built thus far. I knew for sure that I was gay when I was a lot younger, but I conformed, created a family and thought I could ignore my feelings for women. It did not work; I really wish someone would've told me that I was wasting my time. I was actually in major denial. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's taken a lot of courage to get where you are now, and it takes longer for some of us to fully accept being gay. Enjoy the years ahead of you, it's never too late to start over again. I know it's an interesting experience, especially for me because I had my whole life planned.

We wouldn't be who we are now if we didn't go through difficulties, it makes us stronger.

 

I've experienced the same feelings as you Rose and the others who've posted in here..in fact Aldrick's story could pretty much have been about me.

The feeling of regret about wasted time is something I've struggled with since I came out three months ago to close family and friends. I'm still in the process of overcoming it, but I've now gained the confidence to go out there and try to make new gay friends and hopefully one day find a partner. The only thing that is holding me back a bit now is the lack of experience I feel I have compared to most others my age. But I guess a lot of people do understand that the coming out process is more difficult for some people.

It is a difficult journey, but it's certainly comforting knowing there are others on the some path and that ultimately there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I don't mean to minimize your position, but I've often compared it to waking up outside of Disneyland at 3pm with an all-day ticket in your hand. You can get angry and sad about the fact that you missed several hours of Disneyland...or you can get your ass in there and have a good time.

...here's hoping you can go have a good time.

Lex

 

I'm someone else who came to realize they were gay and deal with it in their mid 30s. I suppressed my true emotions with addiction that I also had to then deal with when I came out. But it has all been worth it - to live an honest and authentic life.

I don't regret the past, but I don't shut the door to it either. It made me who I am and it put me in the place where I am. A place where I was able to meet my husband (now of almost one year!). Had I come out earlier in life I wouldn't have my two daughters and I wouldn't have met my husband. I'm so happy with my life right now that I wouldn't want any of my past to be any different.

I hope you are soon in that same position.

 

Hi Rose,

I can certainly relate to this story. After nearly two decades (gasp) of feeling uncomfortable with my sexuality, I have over the past 1-2 months made huge progress and I feel I have finally come to peace with this part of me.

Similar to other posts on this thread, I feel a bit of a sense of loss over maybe what could have been for those years - relationships, friends, career - that were all held back to different degrees due to my insecurities. Part of my challenge now is to almost "reconstruct" who I really am, now that I can look at myself confidently in the mirror, and move forward with having a more purposeful successful and fulfilling life. Thankfully, I too have a therapist who has been helpful with this.

Anyhow, great to hear all your perspectives and continued best wishes.

Karl

 

O_O l reallllly relate. Probably common, but l see so many young gay people around me and not only do l feel like l've lost out on the years but l also feel like a "child" next to 21 year olds due to my lack of experience.

So l'm sorry.It's very real. l'll be 28 next month and l am planning a move to NYC (probably) but l could be here for 2 more years. And l really think about this all the time, worry about how long it will take me to find someone, how old l will be when l do, etc.

l also went into a period of such DEEP introversion that l've stunted my life even further. lm now working on becoming more extroverted and trying to meet gays around here even though l see no potential for me here and dont want to stay. Meeting friends l can be myself with and maybe form a lasting bond with can't hurt, l rec that for you too.

It seems aimless and scary at first, and still does to me but like another poster said, we are sort of reconstructing our identities and we have to start branching out.

 

I came out almost exactly a year ago (07/20/11) at age 30, so I can relate as well. I think part of me knew, at least on a subconscious level, at least since i was a young teen, but I did not consciously admit it to myself or anyone else until then.

As much as I regret missing out on LGBT organizations in college and law school, I am also thankful for some "advantages" of coming out later in life. I didn't get bullied in middle or high school for being gay, since I didn't know it yet I also think that at 30, I was far better-equipped mentally and emotionally to deal with coming out than I would have been as a teenager, and my coming-out process was relatively painless as a result. I'd also had adolescence and young adulthood to surround myself with open-minded friends - and it's a lot easier to pick your friends as an adult, since you can travel independently - so no one in my circle of friends had any issue with me being gay when I came out.

Of course, it was awkward at first, like anything new can be, but I think a little awkwardness is a small price to pay to live life as myself. As I said, it's only been a year, but I feel like I've already adjusted pretty well. I hope everything works out for you, too.

 

Thank you Rose! Following some advice I received on here I've been to a local gay and lesbian support & social group which has been great. I've also recently been introduced to a few people by some mutual friends (another benefit of coming out I guess )
Generally I'm a pretty quiet and introverted person so this is really pushing me outside of my comfort zone. It's not easy but hopefully the results will be worth it!

 

I agree that the grief is difficult. I came out at 29. I had come out at 15, but had been ex-gay, i.e. because of being Christian, lived celibate and never had any relationships. I sought to become straight for roughly 15 years via prayer, getting rid of demons(literally), dealing with the past, etc. I had went to seminary and was a pastor. I had been kicked out for being gay at 22, even though I was celibate. I dealt with that by moving unto engineering at 24. By the time I was 29, I was working on my master's in Computer Engineering. And then one day I don't even know why, but I realized that it would never work. I had to get over my guilt over being gay and seeing it as evil. I watch gay films and read gay books, etc, trying to purposely destroy my shame. Over time, I guess it worked and I became more comfortable. I started to go for counselling and was encouraged to come out.

I left the church after they prayed for me against the spirit of homosexuality one day. I no longer believed that there was anything wrong with me, and came to refuse to be harmed by those who couldn't accept me as I was. This principle guided me and on my 29th birthday(a month later), I also decided to leave Campus for Christ and actually join the gay student group on campus. About 2am that day, I walked by and found it. That day, I went to Campus for Christ, being a leader there, and saw all of my friends first, knowing I would never return. I left and walked by the LGBT student group, looked in, and was frightened. I then walked by from opposite direction, looked in again and then stood at the corner, filled with anxiety. Suddenly, the coordinator came out and asked my name, told me his and actually took my hand and brought me in and sat me down. He introduced me to everyone and then I introduced myself.

Being part of that community has changed my life positively and made me view myself as normal. I then participated in pride that year. Within a short period of time(a few months), suddenly guys started coming after me. I lost weight(47lbs), being below normal weight now. I started dating other guys casually and this really helped boost my confidence levels, along with going to the gym frequently. At the same time I was working on my master's, going onto my PhD.

This wasn't without grief, of course. I lost 90% of my friends and left very alone. Most were from church or Campus for Christ. They didn't hate me, but didn't accept me as I was, viewing me as either filled with a demon or as living in sin. I had to remove anything that reinforced negativity in my life. If someone didn't accept me, I rejected them. I wasn't going to allow others to shape my life again, as it was mine and not theirs. I had wasted years seeking after friends that didn't accept me and would never do that again.

I felt and still feel lots of grief for years lost and stolen by shame imposed on me since I was a teenager. This grief has overcome me many times to the point of uncontrollably crying or throwing or punching things. I guess this is just part of emotional release. I was told for years that being gay was bad, which really harmed my self esteem and self image. I tried subsequently changing that which didn't need changing. I've been filled with anger because of these experiences. I've regretted even seeking after a career that I only lost and years wasted training for it. I felt upset looking at younger people at 20(average age on campus), who have a whole extra decade to live freely. I can never experience what it is to be openly gay at 20 and everything that comes with that. I grieved over lost potential relationships(I could have had boyfriends). I lack knowledge subsequently concerning sex and intimacy and feel completely inexperienced, which I wouldn't have been, had I come out earlier. I'm upset over age gained, which makes it harder to get guys, and the experience of dating at a younger age lost.

Unlike some others, I haven't been able to find anything that is positive about these experiences. I don't have children, like other people, and never had a relationship with a woman. I could have done school in less time, since I wouldn't have gone to seminary for 4 years. I could have been just as wise and there wasn't anything gained from my religious experiences which I view as a deceptive delusion now.

Deciding to move on is all I have been able to do. Wasting time constantly grieving only empowers negative experiences, giving them even more of our limited time, amplifying their effects. To counter this, I have focused on gaining new LGBT friends both on and outside campus, which provide me support. I have volunteered for quite a few gay events. I work on exercising, boosting my confidence. I focus on school. I go out with guys frequently now. This is the best I can do. I can't recover the past, so I might as well just try to be happy with what I have now. I can't give answers, only provide you with what I've done to try resolving this. I hope that you are able to find resolution.

Sorry for the story; I just got carried away typing.

 

I have more than a few years on all of you.

10 years ago I "knew" I was gay, but was too ashamed to mention it to my therapist. Though I always knew I was different, I didn't know it was "gay."

I do think back, "what if" 10 years ago I had brought it up to my shrink. I'd be a lot farther ahead in living an out, gay life. I'd have saved more than a few heartaches. (but then, I also gained much, too). I'd have saved years of depression. Maybe I'd be in love and have a partner (and how the heck do I do that now?!?!?)

Yes, it would have been better 10 years ago. Can't go there or change the past. For me, it right to do it now. Its better to come out, live out, reach out now -- instead of waiting 10 more years, or never. My mental health has never been better, and I feel great physically.

Looking forward to what's next. And I've learned a damn valuable lesson -- don't be so afraid to be and do what I truly want.

Peace

 

I've very much learned the same lesson. Aldrick's post up there written 6 months ago may as well have been written by me today, except I waited til I was 34.

I've known I was different for a very long time, and have been hiding from myself and everyone else. My coming out process has been extremely painful for me personally (but has gone amazingly well - better than my wildest dreams could have imagined).

However, I look back on these previous years of my adult life - I haven't "wasted" anything. I have an extremely successful career that I might not have had if I had lived an out life and not manically focused on my career to the exclusion of other things. I have an amazing group of friends,

Are there some things that I would have changed about my life thus far? Of course, we all have regrets. For me, I'm not 100% sure if not coming out before now is one of them or not. Sometimes I think it is, and at other times I wonder if I'd have what I have today if that had happened.