1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Comfortably gay, but wrestling with feminine personality traits. Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by thomasbr0, Jul 15, 2012.

  1. thomasbr0

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey there,

    I was comfortably gay when I first came out freshman year in highschool, but my Mom freaked out and put me through a bunch of "Pray the Gay Away" programs, and made me read books and articles to make me straight, and speak to many different psychiatrist and psychologists, and picked apart my personality traits to try and make me straight. All in all it was pretty messy. (Most of us know how this story goes)

    Obviously those didn't work because I'm here now, still gay. haha After a brutal coming out story and about 4 years of struggling, my family now supports me, for the most part, as well as most of my friends. I'm gay and I know it and I'm aware there's no changing this. However, I feel as though some of those teachings my mom has put me through have stuck.

    In hindsight I realize that, all my life, I've been a little bit feminine. Don't get me wrong, I'm no RuPaul or Jeffery Star, but I'm not exactly the epitome of masculinity either. The thing is, I'm only realizing this now.. and that's the thing I'm not okay with. I don't want to be feminine, but it comes naturally. Sometimes I don't realize it until someone makes a little, harmless joke about it, or something like that. I'm cool with jokes, as long as they're in good taste and not hurtful or offensive. I'm just finding myself still "correcting" my, less masculine attributes.

    When I give in to the personality that comes naturally, I find myself stressing about losing my masculinity as a man. On the other hand, when I sit and "correct" myself of the feminine habits, I get stressed that I'm not trying hard enough and that the habits keep coming back without me noticing.

    If anyone is going through, or has gone through, the same thing that can give me some sort of advice, insight, or would just like to discuss the topic, it would be most appreciated.

    -Thomas
     
  2. Night Rain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    Just pop in to tell you that you're not alone. I'm in the same situation, except that I have no experience with the "Pray the Gay Away" programs (luckily).

    I want to be masculine. Sometimes it's fun when people joke about my not-so-masculine gestures, sometimes it really hurts (and all those photos, they're not gonna disappear!).

    I'm not against feminine guys, I just don't like being feminine. When I see myself like that, it disgusts me. :frowning2:
     
  3. thomasbr0

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I feel the exact same way! If someone else acts feminine, that's all them and I'm happy they feel confident to be comfortable in their personalities. But it makes me feel weird when I catch myself slipping up :/ I try to be masculine, and a lot of people, when they first meet me, tell me that they didn't even know I was gay except for MAYBE my voice a little bit, or a few of my tendencies. But when I get more comfortable with my friends, I find myself slipping up more and more
     
  4. Night Rain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    Me too! When I'm around the friends I've known long enough, and especially those I'm out to, I slip too often, and then regret it right after. When I look back on the past, I find myself wishing it'd never happened.

    I guess the usual advice would be: be who you are, you're repressing your sexuality, accept yourself,... But this is not it. I'm fine with being gay, and being feminine to some extent, but I dread to think that I fit the stereotype. It's also not because I'm not out to everyone yet, because when I finally am, I still want to be as least feminine as possible. I'm not comfortable with the "gay best friend" girls seem to love. I'm not that kind of friend. =_=
     
  5. Delta

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2012
    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Northwestern USA
    I'm not directly experienced with masculinity and femininity problems, but I do have experience with being uncomfortable with my inclinations and trying to "correct" them even though nothing is actually wrong. I'm fine if other people are have feelings that differ from their identities, but if it's me? If it's me I try to "fix" that asap.
     
  6. runallday4

    runallday4 Guest

    It sounds to me like you're maybe insecure with yourself after finally being okay with being gay. Do you feel like being gay makes you less masculine? It's possible your still trying to fit the mold that people want you to fill.

    Personally, I sometimes try to be more masculine (working out, ect.) but that's more because I think that more masculine gay guys are more attractive, not because I have any problems with myself.
     
  7. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Just a thought, but - if you're getting along with your family now and they're being supportive, have you talked to your mom about this? Assuming she's being supportive now as well, if you think it would be helpful, you could give it a shot. It just seems like you associate all those experiences with her (naturally so, if she's the one that instigated them), so talking to her might be a way to address them.

    Also, what specifically do you mean when you say you catch yourself "acting feminine"? Obviously this is kind of a loaded question, so I'm officially declaring a judgment-free zone here. :slight_smile: I'm just wondering what you mean, exactly.

    Oh, and welcome to the site. :grin:
     
  8. smprob

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2012
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    0
    Idk much about it, but I seemed to be leaning to feminine most times I had crushes on guys and I hated that afterwards. IDK, but may be bc of the general idea 'men like women' has got deep into me and so I wanted them to like me and it just came unconsciously.:confused: just wondering...
     
  9. WeirdnessMagnet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2011
    Messages:
    479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Klein sexuality bottle
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You know, wristwatches used to be girls-only. Manly Men absolutely had to use pocket watches, ostentatiously taking them out of their special pockets, flipping open the lid, and so on. (Hmm... Cell phones sort of brought the ridiculous ritual back, although it's now unisex.) Then WWI happened, and some bright officer figured, - what the heck, there's no time for all that on the battlefield! I'm sure he got his share of "are you a poofter?" looks the first time he turned his new watch in for synchronization at the HQ. But... It worked. It was convenient. And poof! Wrist watches became unisex overnight (even if their design did not.) Now, if only someone found some military use for handbags... What would you think would've happened?

    So, I had this non-issue of not quite fitting either gender... Since forever, got my share of everything (from harmless jokes to ostracism) for it, and figured how to deal with it way before I figured my sexual attraction, although I didn't really know the the name for it or the that I wasn't alone before I came here.

    I'm with that officer. I do what seems practical and convenient under the circumstances, instead of bringing daily sacrifices on the altar of my (non-existent) gender. There are times to pee standing up and times to do it sitting down. I can see gender expression in others, I can even find it admirable, worthy of respect and attractive... But that's not my way. And as an example above (and countless others) show, it's not a bad way, just one the majority of the people can not or would not take.

    "What others will think..." Let them think what they will. None of my real friends, either male or female, had any problem with that. Even a recently born again girl I used to hang out with back before I moved, well, she actually liked my "not quite girliness" and was more frank with me than he would be with any real girl or guy. Our friendship was unique and beautiful exactly because I was who I am.
     
    #9 WeirdnessMagnet, Jul 16, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2012
  10. Pat20uk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I totally understand you... I have been feminie since i was a little child (played with barbies, hang out with girls etc) and I was fine until I started noticing that im different than other boys.
    Sometimes i may listen to some pop song at home and start dancing a little and then i realize... F*ck! I do it like a girl, then freak out a little that if im feminine then maybe in transgender or somethig, but I'm trying to accept things as they are... however it sucks being a little bit more girly because gay men are attracted to masculinity and you often see "no camps please" .... i dont know its just hard. When i see people like Gregory gorgeus on youtubbe I feel happy for him for being excatly the way he is but when it comes to myself i always just say "no" inside my head because its not how guys act or what guys like... :frowning2: I just cant deal with fact that i might be the typical gay everyone has in mind... but the truth is if society wasnt judgmental i would be much more feminine than i am now.
    but try not to worry and surrond yourself with open minded people... and I think some "girly boys" are actually very cute :grin:
     
    #10 Pat20uk, Jul 16, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2012
  11. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It just takes time to come to grips with it. I've found it helps to be honest about your feminine traits. For example, whenever I point at something, I usually do this weird wrist flourish that looks, well, gay. :slight_smile: And when I do, I might jokingly say "And hope you enjoyed my gay point." Or sometimes, when laughing at something with my standard low-pitched laugh, it might suddenly ramp up towards a giggle without warning. If it does, I might say "Wow, apparently I had some gay to get out." I don't do these all the time, mind you, but joking about it like this once in awhile gets a few points across - I do these things, I do notice them, and I'm (trying to be) cool with them.

    Lex