Help

Hooking up with a guy isn't going to make it better.

I've been in your shoes. You are probably suffering from severe depression, and that is the reason you want to sleep all the time. That's what happened to me. Shortly after that I attempted suicide.

Don't go down that path. I don't know how old you are, but if possible seek some professional help.

I can tell you from my own experiences that it is all temporary. You will get better, it just takes time. If you're standing where I was standing when I was seventeen, then you're at the lowest point in your life, and when you're down that low things can only start to go up.

Having sex with a random stranger isn't going to help. The best thing you can do right now is just talk about it. Talk about what you're feeling and your fears, and just let it out. If you can't do it in your personal life, do it here on EC. Trust me, getting it out will help you.

If you feel like I did, then it feels like you're weighed down, that you can't breathe, that life has given you too much to handle. But really, it isn't as bad as it looks or feels - trust me, I came out on the other side. Getting it all off your chest is the best thing you can do for yourself, and this is a safe place to do it.

In case you need it, here is the link to the Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Here is their phone number: 1-866-488-7386

If you feel like you're in crisis, especially if you feel suicidal, then calling that number is your best bet. It's toll free, completely confidential, is open 24/7, and is for LBGT youth.

If you're just feeling lonely, and want a place to vent or just talk then you can post here or message me on my wall (or PM me if you're a full member). I'll respond to it as soon as I can.

You have likely already started to isolate yourself. This is a bad sign, because it's only going to make your depression worse. Reach out here if you can't reach out to the people already around you.

 

I certainly know that feeling, but it's just a feeling. The truth of the matter is you will eventually grow to be comfortable with it. It wasn't until when I was around you're age that I started to fully accept that I was gay and couldn't change it.

What you're experiencing does end, and you do get better. We go through different stages of acceptance. Generally, it starts with denial. For my denial, I attempted to believe I could change, and I attempted to "pray away the gay." Then we attempt to bargain. For my bargaining phase, I hoped instead to become bisexual so that I could then pretend to be straight. When I realized that wasn't going to work, and that I was in fact gay, that's when I really hit the phase I think you're in right now - depression. For me, this was the hardest and the worst phase. After depression, for me, came anger. I was really angry for a long time, angry at how I was raised to hate myself, angry at the people who hated gay people, I had a lot of self-hatred.

But then in the end, after the angry phase, I found acceptance. And for me acceptance is still a process. I no longer hate who I am. I'm comfortable being gay, comfortable imagining my future with another man, and really wouldn't change to straight if given an option. Being gay - what I went through to find acceptance - has shaped me in massive ways. It's made me a stronger person, a better person. While I'm still trying to overcome some fears - mostly fears surrounded around what other people might think of me - I know I can overcome it... because I had that experience.

Have you come out to your therapist, at least? Have you told anyone that you think you're gay? It's good that you have a support network, that's critical. I didn't really have that and I had to find my way on my own. Your road is going to be much easier than mine.

 

Well, I can tell you that hooking up with guys isn't going to help you at all. It just isn't. How many straight men do you know that had to hook up with a girl before he knew he was straight? There is a reason that answer is none, it's because he pursued girls because he desired girls romantically and sexually. He knew what he wanted already. The same is true for most gay guys.

I think it might help if you describe what you're feeling and going through. Have you ever developed a crush or romantic feelings toward another guy? Have you ever had sex with another guy? If so, what were those experiences like? What are your feelings toward men in general? What are you feeling? What is going through your mind?

I find that for me, asking questions like that and talking about it, ESPECIALLY writing it down helps me tremendously. It helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings.

 

You don't want to have sex with men and when you do you don't like it. You don't have any romantic interest in men.

Why do you think you are gay?

What does your therapist say? Did you tell your therapist about the intrusive thoughts about "attacking people sexually"?

 

I think your last post helped a lot to clarify things. No one can tell you whether you're gay, straight, or bisexual. Only you can make that determination.

However, I can speak to you about my experiences.

You'd definitely know what a crush felt like if you had one. You're brain is actually being flooded with various hormones and feel-good chemicals like dopamine. You would experience a feeling of euphoria, perhaps butterflies in your stomach, and a boost in your mood when you're around that person or thinking about them. In turn, you're going to want to be around that person and think about them constantly. It can last on a rough average of about six months.

Obviously, I've had crushes on guys and desire them sexually. That's how I know I'm gay.

However, I don't have the sudden urge to kiss or grope a guy - even an extremely attractive guy - if he is in close vicinity.

I also don't imagine myself in the role of a woman during intimate scenes in a movie.

Seeing another man get a blow job is generally a turn on for me, though that isn't a good indicator of sexual orientation one way or another.

As for getting the desire to perform oral sex. Well, yes I do get that from time to time. Though the desire isn't for sex with a disembodied penis, it's going to be attached to a particular guy and the fantasy is mostly going to revolve around pleasing him. Less to do with the actual oral sex than the entire experience.

Are you gay? Are you straight? Are you bi? As I said in the beginning, only you can make that determination. However, I can tell you that it seems like what you're experiencing has nothing to do with sexual orientation at all. There seems to be something else going on that is completely unrelated.

My advice in light of your most recent post is to create a journal. Whenever you have these thoughts write them down. Mark the date and time it happened, what you were doing before it happened (including what you were thinking about), and what you felt and experienced. Be honest and be blunt. Write about how it made you feel.

Then on your next visit to your therapist take your journal with you. Let her see it and go over it with you.

My original advice still stands as well. Some of your symptoms seem to indicate that you're suffering from depression, and having sex with another guy isn't going to solve your issues. I definitely highly recommend that you do not have sex with another guy simply based upon these feelings you're having; especially considering you've had previous experiences and they did nothing to help you.

Finally, your sexual orientation doesn't matter. Your priority and goal should shift away from trying to find a label, to trying to find out what is causing you to have these thoughts and experiences. There is definitely something else going on here, but I'm afraid I don't know how to help you with it.

You should ask your therapist some blunt questions, to see if he or she is capable of helping you properly. If they don't seem to know what is going on, and have no idea on how to proceed, then you may be better served looking elsewhere for someone else. However, I do believe you would benefit greatly from professional help.

 

Yes, my gut is definitely telling me something else is going on beyond sexual orientation. Whether you're gay, straight, or bi - it doesn't matter in the end. That doesn't seem to be the source of your problem, your sexual orientation doesn't seem to be what is causing you this extreme distress.

Once you get a handle on the problem causing you the distress you're experiencing, the issues surrounding your sexual orientation might solve themselves. However, even if it doesn't, you still have the opportunity to come back and examine your feelings with a clearer understanding of what is going on.

I'm pretty sure your lack of sexual libido is a result of depression. This is a common side effect of depression, and once you get a handle on that your libido will return. Of course, your depression is most likely being caused by this issue you're having. So, if you can figure out what it is and how to deal with it, then a lot of other issues and questions should start to fall into place.

So, I hope you take my advice, and document your experiences as completely as possible. Then take the journal to your therapist and ask her some tough questions. What does she think the problem is? What are some treatment ideas? Can she provide you with some documentation on what she thinks the problem is?

Put her through her paces, and if you don't think she can help you, then you might want to consider looking around for someone else. I think by simply taking action and maybe moving toward finding out what the problem you're having is and a potential way to handle it, might have a positive effect on your depression. It might not go away completely, but moving toward finding a solution will hopefully make you feel less helpless and out of control. Because you aren't helpless, and you have the ability to take control.

In fact, as I said previously, simply writing things down for me can sometimes help me greatly - simply by getting thoughts out of my head. Maybe it'll have the same positive effect on you.

Best of luck. I'm happy to do all that I can to help. (*hug*)