I feel like everything I've ever done has been meaningless. I feel like all I've ever done is try to please other people. My whole life I've always lived in situations where I had no real privacy, no real space to be myself. Every time I've tried to express myself throughout my life I'd just been slapped back down again. It just feels like I've been so caught up doing things that other people have wanted that I've never had any room to live. Even in my own house I can't really leave the confines of my room. The place I live in technically isn't even supposed to have any women in it so if I was caught I'd probably have to leave. Having to stay bottled up has left me an emotionally crippled wreck. People have always commented to me on how miserable I look all the time, and until I came out and began getting a taste of expressing myself to people I never really realized how much pain all these years have caused me. I couldn't even begin to know how I'm going to go about recovering from this. My transition will be a good step forward, this I know, but I wonder how long it will take me to really be able to be myself in the open. To stop being scared. I just don't know. :tears:
I know how you feel; I'm the same way. I'm really shy but a super loyal friend. I do everyone a hundred and one favors, yet I never accept any help myself. I try to be what others need me to be, and I look out for them while no one's looking out for me. I'm seen as a doormat, since everyone can walk all over me and get what they want from me. I have privacy in my own room, which is where I spend almost all my time. It's the only place I can be myself, where I can be angry, where I can cry, where I can sit there and write things like this on a forum like this. Elsewhere, I have no place and no one to be myself around. I've been depressed for four years, and I'm just getting worse. I'm more and more isolated, and I've developed other issues as well, like social anxiety and avoidant personality. I'm just so scared to be myself and to be hurt that I just block the world out. It's hard, what we're feeling, and I understand how miserable it makes you. But if you have the strength to transition, then you're already making a great step forward. You're heading towards who you really are, and you'll have to share it with the world. I hope you'll find your place where you can be free.
Thank you very much. (*hug*) I just hope that I can really make it happen. To really be able to transition, to go to uni, to live my own life. Those are all very comforting thoughts. In the outside world all I can do is try to keep my head down and stay away from people for fear of someone hurting me again, like has happened so many times. It's hard to even really think clearly sometimes. It's really only those times when I'm here at my pc that I can calm myself and put my thoughts into words. And then all the bad feelings come back, shame, worry that I'll be laughed at, worry that I'll bother someone. I want to be able to feel happy. I feel like a bird who has known nothing but the inside of a cage it's whole life, and longs to fly.
Have you been working with a therapist or counsellor in preparation for your transition? If not, you should start. Working with a professional helped me A LOT in recognizing how I had been living my life for other people and not really doing anything for myself. That pattern lead me to take up an addiction - because in my mind THAT was something that I was doing just for me. But of course it was counterproductive and very destructive. Instead I had to learn how to live my life openly and ensure that my own needs were being met and that I was doing things for me. When I went out and bought the little convertible that you see in my avatar my therapist was shocked and thrilled. I had done something that was totally for me and for me alone. You don't need to do something as big (or expensive!) as that but it is important to do things for yourself. Start small and work your way up. As my signature says, it's never too late to be what you might have been. You may have gotten a slow start to life for one reason or another but it doesn't mean you can't still achieve the things you were meant to achieve. Work on it - because you're worth it!
I may see a Therapist during transition, or alternately seek out something along the lines of a Pflag chapter. However, waiting isn't something I think would be good as my mood swings are only getting worse now that I'm out. I need to get into it and then once I'm done and have had my srs, I can get to uni and get to work on building the life I've always wanted. Addiction has never been a problem for me, I've stayed completely drug and alcohol free for my entire life. I've never even tried either, perhaps in part due to the fact the people who tormented me in my youth did both and heavily so I've come to vehemently dislike those kinds of things.
Iris, I feel for you. I understand the isolation and feeling of not knowing how you will recover. It sounds like you are quite overwhelmed by it, understandably so. Can you find the belief that you can recover with the strength and support of all those around you (even if that is just people on EC for now)? Facing such a recovery alone is probably impossible. With belief, it may be easier to work slowly, step by step, to invest in the personal growth that will get you moving towards where you want to be. I definitely see peace and happiness as something organic and evolving, not as a goal in itself. Joining a Pflag chapter could be wonderful so why wait? Why not now? And if you can, try to access therapy as well, I echo what Jim said. It is really helping me. Remember, one day at a time and it is okay to take baby steps forward. Go easy on yourself and keep posting! Take care, Rose
As things are I have no transportation and am floundering financially to keep myself afloat, so long trips anywhere are absolutely not going to happen at the moment. I'm working on an idea to help me get my transition started though, and I think I'd rather like to have started my transition first before seeing anyone anyways. I don't need therapy to tell me whether or not I need transition, I know I do, I've always known. What I need therapy for is to help me open up to the world, and having started transition will make me feel more ready for that. In addition, doing these positive things as one of my first steps in the world as the real me would feel really good to me. In the meantime I'll just take care of my hair and continue my daily things like lotions, facial scrubs, eye creams and such and make sure to dress properly at least an hour every day to keep morale up. As far as the site goes, I am quite comfortable here and have no intention of leaving. I like many people here, and it's nice to feel welcomed, even knowing the truth about me. I am thankful for everyone's time that chooses to help me though this. Iris
I think therapy is less to help you find out if you want it, and more to help you get your mind and thoughts into a positive place. That way you can fully accept and embrace your real self, and learn to love you. I know it must be very difficult to love yourself when you have the wrong body, but you won't start loving yourself the second you have the right one. You'll need some guidance and help learning to love yourself because old habits die hard, especially self-loathing ones. You don't need a counselor to tell you you need to transition. You need one to help you love the person you transition into. That's just my point of view on the whole therapy bit. I love you, Iris, (*hug*) and I'll be here for you. Anything I can do.
Quite so, and I agree with this. However, every moment I wait before I start, is another moment my body continues changing in the wrong direction. If I did get started, and do therapy while transitioning this would probably give the best results. Learning to love myself can only work if I want it to work, if I feel like I have hope, like I can make progress toward something positive. And this way hopefully, likely, by the time my SRS comes around I'll be sorted out and ready physically and emotionally to attend uni. And I appreciate your affections Kitsune (*hug*) you are a wonderful person. Even if I feel less than deserving of anyone's affection.
Good girl. You'll get it figured out. I think the sooner you can find a counselor, the better. Get your head in the right place, and your body too. I want you to take care of yourself, okay? I'd help, but I'm not there, and I'm also just a kid, so you have to do it for us. Treat yourself to something that makes you happy every time I give you a hug, whether you think you deserve it or not. Because you deserve it. (*hug*)
