I just really need to get this off my chest. Sorry for the rant, but I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel. A really long story short, I fell for my straight "best" friend in 8th grade. Over the next 3 years, we spent almost all our time together and I was unbelievably in love with her. She became the center of my world. Suddenly, one day towards the end of our sophomore year, she just cut me out. Ignored me for two weeks straight, and when she finally talked to me again, nothing was the same anymore. Everything fell apart in an instant, and I had no idea what went wrong. I fell into a deep depression (which I'm still in today). Things slowly got better and we'd speak again, but I lost the extremely close relationship we had. We didn't spend much time together junior year, but senior year was better. Skipping forward to today, I'm a junior in college and still not over her. We go to different schools, but we still keep in touch through text and we'd meet at least a few times a year during breaks. What has been upsetting me for a long time is how different she is through text and in person. When we text, she'd always say things like "I miss you" or "I love you" and "I can't wait to see you," etc. and she'd sound really enthusiastic talking to me. When we finally meet in person, which is about once every 3-4 months on average, she doesn't seem nearly as excited as she sounded. She'd also always say things like "you're amazing," "you're incredible," and "you're the best" when she asks me for favors and I do them. Then again, in person, she's dismissive towards me. Just today, she asked me to do her a favor, so I skipped out of work early, sped my way home on the freeway, and rushed over to help her. She didn't hug me at all or even bother to walk me to the door as I was leaving. That just really sent me over the edge because after everything I've been through for her and everything I've done for her over the years (which is A LOT), she still treats me like I'm nothing. She breaks my heart every day, yet I still love her more than anything. I'm still depressed and still love her after 7 years, and I suffer every day thinking about what we had, what we lost, and how I'll never know what went wrong in the first place. I know that she'll never really love me and that I'll never be important to her, but nothing changes the fact that she's still everything to me. I'm just tired of feeling so constantly upset over her. I wish I could find some relief.
It sounds like she's using you. She may consciously or unconsciously realize that you have feelings for her, and she's using that to get what she wants out of you - i.e. "favors." She clearly doesn't return the feelings, honestly to be blunt, I wouldn't even call the way she's treating you a friendship. You should bring up the time she stopped speaking to you in High School. See if you can learn the reason. Once you know the reason, that might help you provide some closure, and then you should move toward letting her go completely. Honestly, the best thing you could do is turn your affections toward someone else. Someone who might actually share them. Why waste your love on her, when you know it's never going to be reciprocated?
Hi For as long as you choose to make room for her in your life, you will find it difficult to recover from your heartache. Friendships need balance to be healthy and sustainable. Is continuing this friendship healthy for you? Because you don't see each other much you probably don't need to do anything dramatic to cut ties, just keep your distance. Good relationships are built on respect. If it is not there, walk away because you deserve much much better. I totally appreciate that when you feel depressed it is hard to move on but take it slowly, one step at a time. Look after yourself first Rose With time, the pain will ease. It will. That it hasn't yet is because she is not meeting your needs as a friend. To be sustainable, friendships need some balance.
Yeah, seems like it's time to let her go even though I know that it will be difficult, but you deserve a better friend. Did u ever ask her why she stopped speaking to you in high school? Since it's been so long I'm guessing the reason would be irrelevant anyway. A real friend wouldn't treat someone they cared for like this, so maybe it's time for you to stop giving into her. I know you love her, but having her in your life is not helping you. I lost who I thought was a good friend earlier this year, I finally realized that in every aspect of my life she could be happy for me. She was most definitely bringing me down, so I had to end the friendship. We all grow up, mature and drift apart, but she seems to be breaking your heart, why would you wanna keep her around?
First of all, thank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I really appreciate your answers. Secondly, most of you have been asking about bringing up what happened in high school and asking my friend about it. When it first happened, I tried to ask her what's wrong. She was acting fine to all our other friends, but it was just me that she was ignoring. I asked our friends if they knew what was wrong or if she had a problem with me, and they all said they didn't know anything. I asked her directly; all she said was she's fine, she's just been in a bad mood lately, and that it's nothing I should be concerned about....but she used the f word a lot and was quick to end the convo. She naturally has a short temper and is easily angered, and I think she knows that she can "show me her true colors" and not lose me as a friend. Maybe she was upset about something else and was taking it out on me. I never did anything wrong...I've always been there for her for whatever she needed. Nonetheless, she ignored me for 2 weeks before she eased up a bit. But again, it was never the same after that. One period of time my junior year, I just couldn't take the pain anymore and tried to distance myself. By this point, she was dating the school's biggest douchebag and was hanging out with a new group of friends. I wouldn't talk to her unless she initiated it or had something to ask me. And when she'd talk to me, I'd be as short as possible. She picked up on it and texted me one morning asking me why I've been rude and standoffish to her. Long story short, we argued back and forth for a while about the way we've both been acting; in the end, I was apologizing and asking her forgiveness for the way I've been treating her. And I've always hated myself for ever being rude to her; I never meant to make her feel like I didn't care. I always loved and cared about her. I just needed some space. Anyways, I know a big part of the reason I'm still so hung up is that I have no closure. I kill myself over wondering what went wrong: was it something I said, something I did, was it just something she was going through, was she just tired of me, etc? But I can never bring this back up. First of all, she probably wouldn't even remember it happened. Second of all, it'd be weird for her to know that I'm still pining over what happened 4 years ago. She doesn't know I'm gay, especially not that I'm in love with her, so I really don't want to "open a can of worms." I guess I'll just never know what happened. As for letting go, I know I never will. If there's one thing about me, it's that I'm loyal to a fault. I've loved her this long, and that's not going to change. I just need new healthy relationships to distract me...but I'm super shy so making friends doesn't come easy. Plus, since I've been burned, I've lost all faith in people. I never let anyone get close anymore, for fear that they'll hurt me and/or leave me.
Never say never! You feel like you won't now but at least keep an open mind. You never know what might happen in the future to alter your view on letting go. I really empathise. It is so hard to accept the breakdown of a once wonderful relationship, especially when you don't understand why things changed. That makes accepting it all the more difficult for you because you want answers and clarity I'm sure. I was in a predicament with a colleague last year that left me with similar frustration about lack of closure. I had worked closely with this person for ten years and for the most part we made an outstanding team but, because of external factors mainly, our positions changed, leading to a horrendous environment for all. As well as achieving a remarkable amount together we had also been good friends. I got a new job in a different country, which I had been looking for anyway, and before leaving wrote an honest letter thanking her for the great partnership and offering my apology for my part in the communication breakdown (there were definitely upsets caused by both of us- due to restructure and cuts to budget, horrible) That took a lot of courage. I got nothing back and found it painfully difficult that I had to leave what had been a fantastic job without appropriate closure with my closest colleague and friend. That was a year ago. I am not over it, and when I think of her and the situation it causes me pain. But I think of it less and less as time goes on. Distance is a great healer. Have you tried pouring your feelings into a letter/email to her that you won't send? Airing exactly what you are hurt by might help your grieving process. You have lost a friendship that you once cherished and you should allow yourself time to grieve. Supporting you, Rose
Hi Rose, I really appreciate your responses =) I'm sorry about what happened with your friend/colleague. It's always so hard when a relationship falls apart when it's something that means so much to us. It just doesn't make any sense when we have something so great that it could all break down and fall apart, ruining everything we've spent years and years building. I have thought about pouring my heart out in a letter that I wouldn't actually send to my friend, but I could never do it. First of all, it'd probably end up being the length of a novel...and I wouldn't even know where to start. We did sooo many things together and have been through so much - we literally spent all our time together. We made the same goals and worked together towards something really important to both of us. Words wouldn't do justice to everything I'd want to say to her. Most importantly, writing about it hurts a lot; I'm reliving each moment that I describe. Regarding what you said about keeping an open mind for the future, I really don't know how to. This relationship means everything to me, and I love her to death. In all these years, I tried so hard to be whatever she needed me to be. I tried to be that perfect friend that never failed her; of course, I had disappointed her on occasion, but never intentionally. Sometimes, I just didn't live up to her standards or I didn't do perfectly what she needed me to do. But I really gave it my all. Seeing that I gave it my all and that I spent all my time, love, and attention on her but it still wasn't nearly enough for her really killed my self-esteem. If I strained myself to be the best and I still wasn't good enough, then who am I going to be good enough for?
I am so sorry for your grief. Your feelings are much better out than in. Can you talk to anyone about this? I'm seeing a therspist and it is helping me so much with many issues. Believe that relief is possible. It is. Your whole life is ahead of you. With support you can rebuild your self-esteem and live the way you want to. For now, Rose
No, there's not really anyone I can talk to about any of this. I have one friend that I'm out to, who's a gay guy, and we have been friends for two years in college. He's going away to study abroad this coming year, so I won't have him anymore. And during the time we spent together, he just liked to talk about himself and his boyfriend. I still had a hard time opening up to him. I tried telling him the whole situation, but I rushed through it because it was difficult talking about it out loud. I want to see a therapist, but I'm too scared to. I don't think I could open up to a stranger; besides, I don't have the insurance for that. And I couldn't tell my parents I needed therapy...that would involve coming out to them.
This may be part of the problem, right here - you don't have many people to open up to about this, and in one of the cases where you do, you have trouble talking to him, and he's going to be leaving for a year. I agree with Aldrick's point - from what you've written here, it sounds like this person is using you (and possibly exploiting your affection, if she knows about it) for her own benefit. She's learned that you'll drop everything at a moment's notice to help her out, and so she allows you to do so. This may not be out of coldness on her part - she just assumes that's the way you'll always act. On the other hand, you've already gotten a lot of evidence that she'll treat you quite differently. If you don't have a lot of people to talk to about this, one idea may be to meet more people who you could talk about it with. Is there an lgbt group on campus? Also, you may not need insurance to see a counselor - most schools have it available for cheap to students, and it doesn't even show up on your student account charges as "counseling" or "therapy" - usually just "miscellaneous charge" or something. I realize it might seem a little awkward at first, but if you try out a few counselors there, you might find one you really like. Whether meeting new friends, seeing a counselor, or something else though, I'm all in favor of expanding your social circle. You don't even have to cut your friend out - just start spending more time with people that will treat you sympathetically and/or like an equal, and see how things go.
Gravity, Thank you for your response. The guy friend of mine was really the only person I told about my situation, besides on EC here. I'm not out to anyone else; I've been to a few LGBT club meetings at my school, but it made me too uncomfortable to go back. They make us stand up and introduce ourselves each time to the whole room and do all these activities where you have to talk to other people through games and such. I have social anxiety and extreme fear of public speaking, so it wasn't worth the panic I felt every time I had to speak at the club meetings. The people who've seen me there know I'm gay, but I'm not friends with any of them. As for my friend, I know she isn't treating me this way to be intentionally cruel. She does not know about my affections, but I'm sure she knows by now that I care about her/love her unconditionally and that I'd do anything she asks of me. But one time, I did bring up how I felt about her asking for so many favors from me, and she told me that it's because she trusts me with her things. But what did you mean when you said, "On the other hand, you've already gotten a lot of evidence that she'll treat you quite differently." My school does have psych services, but with the budget cuts, they may be getting rid of the free counseling this coming year. Even before, you'd only get 5 free 45 minute sessions before they refer you to an outside doctor that you have to pay. In terms of making friends, I haven't been able to successfully make and keep any since I lost that one relationship. I made a few close friends freshman year in college, but as soon as I started to care about them and started to get attached, I pushed them away. I became distant and aloof and avoided hanging out with them. I live with the mindset that people always leave...I thought that if I deliberately pushed them away, at least I'd be in control of the situation this time. They wouldn't get to leave me suddenly or cut me out or disappoint me if I left them first =/ Terrible mindset, I know, but I can't help it. Since then, I haven't made any new friends.
