I went out with my friends last night, 1 out gay boy, and my 2 straight friends. All of us, except one of my straight girl friends, are single, some happy about it, others not so happy. Anyway, I have phallophobia -a fear of naked male genitalia- I can't look at, or hear graphic descriptions of or god forbid touch one, I can barely stand saying the word. So you get the point, its a pretty bad phobia. So, for her birthday she wanted to go to see a movie, and picked Magic Mike ... a film about male -fucking- strippers ... Being a nice friend, I went, but spent the whole time buried in her shoulder with my eyes covered. I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed the movie -because I didnt even watch much- but I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have a good time being out with my friends. So after the movie we were talking, and my gay male friend started discussing what an alternate reality version of us would be like, basically describing our polar opposites, and said that somewhere out there in this alternative reality there is a super, mega, ultra straight version on him -implying he is very gay and camp and that the opposite would be totally straight- and when he gets around to me he says there is probably an ultra feminine version of me out there, to which I responded as a joke "What? am I not a girl now or something?", and he basically points out Im a tomboy, which is an obvious fact. They also started checking out guys in the restaurant we ended up in, of course I couldn't find anythign I was interested in while all 3 of them drooled over guys. Im interested in guys that my best friend honestly mistakes for women. It confuses me, I'm scared of penises, and dont like men who look remotely masculine. Whats really bugging me though is how alone I feel about it, and just out of place, its like I cant connect with my friends anymore because they like stripper movies that horrify me and go to stripper bars to watch men dance and check out guys, while I've never checked out a guy in the flesh, just hot -feminine- guys from bands that aren't physically walking around the town or in the damn country. Its gotten so bad, when my gay friend sent me a picture of a "hot" male model, I didn't notice all his muscles and stuff, I just said "His legs are a bit hairy" ... It goes without saying my friends find it hilarious, bbut they don't find it strange, they're used to me. I find it strange and just feel alone. I don't listen to the same music as them, I'm not even from the same country as them, Im a tomboy, music freak and gamer nerd, while they don't play instruments and listen to english speaking pop music and dont play games. Yeah we have a few htings in common, but after the other night I just feel distant from everyone. I know I cant change who I am and start liking big beefy guys -heaven forbid that would happen they absolutely terrify me- or start being ultra girly. I dont know what to do. I dont know if Im gay or straight, my case is complicated enough as it is, but thats fine, I'll deal with that, but, I think whatever I am, is coming between me and my friends and it hurts.
Let's begin with this: You should be frank with your friends. It's not something to be ashamed of. The reason you feel you don't belong is because you're forcing yourself to do things you don't want to. I had one or two occurrences in which I deliberately hung out with a group just because I thought I should go out and be more social. I didn't want to go but I thought once I went I would like it. Big mistake. I felt very uneasy. I just wanted the time to pass real fast. If you don't feel comfortable, just tell them. You don't need to have everything in common with your friends to enjoy being with them. Although you said that it was fine, but I get the feeling that you're not comfortable with yourself. Whatever your orientation is, whether you will fall in love or not, is of no importance. If you do, then you do. Don't fret over it. And I don't think it comes between you and your friends at all. You yourself think so and make yourself tired. You know, sometimes I feel like I don't belong to my group of friends, and nothing about them interests me anymore. In those times, all I need is some alone time with myself. I don't need to accept every time they ask me out. After relaxing with myself, I feel much much better, and then we hang out again as always. Maybe you could do this?
You make a lot of sense Night Rain, an I am a rather independent and solitary person, I just fear losing them altogether, they live very fast paced lives, going out to clubs and stuff, and I like going to bars and hanging out with friends as much as anyone, but, its just sometimes nights like that come up and I feel awkward ... I guess I could say no next time, it wont be her birthday for another year afterall lol. Its just, since I was diagnosed with my disability, I spent a while trying to get strong enough to keep up with them, now that I can, I want to keep up with them so that I don't' end up being treated as the disabled friend, since, I dont even view my condition as a serious disability just a minor hurdle. If i start turning things down, theymight think Im unwell again, since I wasnt very vocal about my health or condition at first, they might not believe me when I say Im actually okay... As for not being comfortable with myself about my orientation, yeah its annoying, but, I dont let it hinder me, I just think its weird, I mean, if I was straight, how could I possibly have a straight relationship with a fear of penises?! Even in a nonsexual situation, I don't think I'd handle straight relationships well, I had one once and it was a train wreck, emphasis on train wreck!!!! I'mhaving an "alone" day today, but by choice of course, gonna spend some quality time with the xbox and not worry ... Still, I guess when my friend is off work and not at her boyfriends house I could try get her to come out for coffee with me and I could tell her. I mean she knows I like "lady boys" as she calls them -though that sounds offensive, she really isnt a "phobe" we have a trans friend -who she and I are close to- whom I cant wait to see again when hes back from England, I open up more to him about my sexuality and gender than I do to even my best friend- anyway, yeah she knows me really well and accepts my "gender fluid" tendencies, but, I think well, we just need to talk about it more ... and I will, thank you
As someone who is long past the age of 19, it's important to recognize that the friends you have now aren't necessarily the friends that are best suited for you in your adulthood. My friends now are the people I met when I was in 3rd and 4th year university. They were in the same program as I was - so similar interests, education, ability, ambition, etc. I don't have much to do at all with my high school friends - because the only thing we had in common really was that we lived in the same neighbourhood. So all you might be feeling now is the need to develop some new friendships with people who have more in common with you. With respect to the orientation, attraction, and phobia - that will likely just work itself out over time. OR... it might require some work with a professional to understand what is at the root of it so you can deal with it and move on with your life.
Y'know I think that sometimes ... but, my bestfriend and I have been together since I moved here 9 years ago ... I can't imagine life without her, and even though things have gotten a bit distant-y with her new boyfriend and me being more awkward socially than usual ... I need her more than ever, even if things are harder now. Ive spent a year in college, and I met people I liked -as friends ovc- made friends, then lost them over the summer ... and now Im going to go to a different school. Its just with my best friend, Im comfortable with her like I am with no one else, I love her dearly and she knows me inside and out and I know her the same ... I once told her I had trouble with my ex because I kept thinking "Whats the point? I couldn't love anyone more than my best friend and my parents" ... That and my ex was a giant cluster fuck ... That aside, I will try make friends in college ... Its just this downtime inbetween semesters and schools, plus I wonder will anyone ever understand me? I don't want to liev my life all alone while my friends shack up with people, that said, Im 19, I want to go out and live my life without someone tying me down 24/7 ... I hope I can find someway around all this mayhem >.<
