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Old 17th Jul 2012, 04:36 PM   #1
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Default Disagreement

Okay so I wasn't sure what to title this post. I'm not even sure if I'm posting this just to vent, or in the hopes of someone giving me fresh insight into this situation. This post may be a bit long, so be warned.

So I have been in a very serious relationship with this guy for a year now. We made plans together to move in with each other, after I got accepted into graduate school, and he even dropped his job and is "on his way" now. The issue is, he was planning a road trip right around when I left for school, and I said he could use my car, that way he could bring it to me and use it to move his stuff in.

Well, on the 26th of June he left for Vegas, and he has been there ever since then. He was supposed to be here on the 9th, but he's been visiting friends that he was waited at least 6 or more years to see. When I asked him what time he was leaving on the ninth, he said "Babe, I'm sorry don't be mad, but I'm staying an extra week". I then got slightly annoyed and then said OK, I guess you can say an extra week. Happiness ensues, and we move on.

Flash forward to this last Thursday, I asked him how his trip was. He said he was leaving Saturday evening to head my way because he couldn't stay at his friends' house any longer. We debated about whether or not Friday evening was a good idea because he would be driving in the dark, and it's a two day drive. But nonetheless, I caved in anyways and said OK your choice, just be safe. Then, Friday came by, and I texted him and texted him until he FINALLY woke up at like 3pm Vegas time, and said "Oh sorry babe, I'm staying an extra day, I'm leaving tomorrow evening instead (Saturday)". But then, Saturday comes by, and... go figure... he ate mcdonalds and got the stomach flu. I have been really really worried about him, but he says he's been feeling a "tiny" bit better each day. Today I asked him how he was feeling, and he said he was starving, which told me that he was over the hump of the sickness. But still, I'm out of patience, and I asked him if he would leave tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. He said "probably", which in reality really ticked me off because I like YES or NO answers, but I didn't tell him that. I just went along with it. Come this evening (now) and he's already out with his friends going to some stupid national guard meeting. So I ask him whether or not he is actually coming tomorrow, and that I need a yes or no answer. Instead I get a "sorry babe I was going to make a docs appointment for tomorrow". But this time, instead of being nice about it, I sent him a text saying "You have two choices, either you leave tomorrow early in the morning, or I'm flying out there and driving you and the car that I've desperately needed, back over here".

His reply was "Whatever fine I'll just drive sick then. I'll text you later".

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I'm not sure if I was too harsh... but honestly I put up with this shit way longer than I need to. I've been DYING here without my car, the nearest grocery store is NOT within walking distance, and even if I did walk, there are NO sidewalks anywhere and everyone is going 50 miles an hour on the main road. I can't go anywhere, not to get food, toiletries, or even the doctor if I'm sick. And he definitely KNOWS this, but seems a tiny bit insensitive about it. I'm slightly annoyed by it. I gave him a few extra days to rest from his sickness, but now I'm genuinely pissed off. We've never had an argument before, simply because we've never encountered a situation like this.

:b ang:
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 09:02 PM   #2
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Default Re: Disagreement

I'm sorry to hear about it - it's no fun getting in arguments.

All you can do at this point, I suppose, is take him at his word that he's not feeling well, and try to be as patient as you can. It's unfortunate that you're missing out on your car and being inconvenienced too though, and at some point it will have to come down to getting your car to you - either he can just make the drive, or you can come pick him up.

Any word from him since you posted this?
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 09:03 PM   #3
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Default Re: Disagreement

I don't mean to bump my own thread but please... if anyone has any advice, I could sure use it a lot right now. I'm pretty desperate. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and told him that my decision is final... My boyfriend was being a little passive aggressive about it but said he didn't want to ruin our relationship. I don't know how to take all of this at all. He's been waiting six years to see this person and I waited patiently for two weeks, after we both agreed upon a date of return one week earlier than that. Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? His friend is now joining the national guard and will be gone for four years, so my offer to my boyfriend to take him to his friend in the winter is now null and void.

I even told my boyfriend that I want him to consider my feelings and needs now... and he didn't get too upset about that. He just sounded really sad... and he just now sent me a text saying "I didn't mean to sound like a dick on the phone".. even though he didn't. I sent him one saying that I don't want him to hate my guts.

EDIT: Sorry I read your response above right after I posted this... but please, if you have any insight let me know... I really appreciate it.

Last edited by ezkill; 17th Jul 2012 at 09:06 PM..
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 09:13 PM   #4
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Default Re: Disagreement

Quote:
Originally Posted by ezkill View Post
I don't mean to bump my own thread but please... if anyone has any advice, I could sure use it a lot right now. I'm pretty desperate. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and told him that my decision is final... My boyfriend was being a little passive aggressive about it but said he didn't want to ruin our relationship. I don't know how to take all of this at all. He's been waiting six years to see this person and I waited patiently for two weeks, after we both agreed upon a date of return one week earlier than that. Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? His friend is now joining the national guard and will be gone for four years, so my offer to my boyfriend to take him to his friend in the winter is now null and void.

I even told my boyfriend that I want him to consider my feelings and needs now... and he didn't get too upset about that. He just sounded really sad... and he just now sent me a text saying "I didn't mean to sound like a dick on the phone".. even though he didn't. I sent him one saying that I don't want him to hate my guts.

EDIT: Sorry I read your response above right after I posted this... but please, if you have any insight let me know... I really appreciate it.
No worries.

What kinds of insight are you looking for? Are you having any other thoughts about the situation? I would start by making sure you've explained to him calmly that the big issue here isn't that you're trying to keep him from seeing his friend, but that you just need the car. Has he said anything about this - apologized for keeping it, etc.?

Is he on his way back yet? If possible, could you talk more tonight to try to smooth things over? In any case, I'm sure he'll be there soon, so the car situation will take care of itself eventually. In the meantime, it's good that he got to spend time with his friend, especially if he won't see this person for a while, right?
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 09:47 PM   #5
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Default Re: Disagreement

we've sort of smoothed things over already... he just texted me "I love you babe... please don't forget that". I think he was just being a bit pouty because I put my foot down, and I've never done that before (nor have I had to) in this relationship.

In any case I gave him an ultimatum. He begged me for another day so he could go see a doctor, and that if he doesn't feel 100% better by tomorrow, then he is leaving at the butt crack of dawn on Thursday morning. I agreed to it, but basically hinted that we'll have bigger problems if he breaks his promise.

honestly, the car is a big, big inconvenience... but that's not even half the reason I am upset. I am really upset because we discussed this before he went to see his friend, and we came to an *agreement* that he would be here on the afternoon of July 9th. I'm not a very patient person overall, and this whole ordeal has left me feeling like a child who's locked in a cage staring at his christmas gifts on christmas day, and not able to open them for another twelve days, NOR leave the cage!

I not only let him stay an extra week, after literally begging him to come home to me, but now I have to let him stay nearly another extra week because the day before he was supposed to leave he just happened to get sick.

how many other things in the universe must go wrong? the next thing you know, my car is going to explode or some stupid crap like that!
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 09:55 PM   #6
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Default Re: Disagreement

Well, I'm glad that you talked about it and got things figured out. One thing to keep in mind though - if he gave up his job and is moving down there to be with you while you go to school, he might be feeling a little resentful about giving up so much and then being kept to a timetable when he discovered that his friend was joining the guard. I don't mean "resentful" like he's angry, or is being petty - just that he's surrendering a lot of control here, which might be catching him off guard, and if you've never put your foot down like this, it may have caught him extra off guard.

Also, just a thought - and I'm speaking from personal experience here - if you're not a very patient person, grad school is REALLY going to test that. Just didn't want you to be as surprised as I was.
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 10:56 PM   #7
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I completely agree with you about the time table... It's just that, at what point has he spent an unreasonable amount of time away from me using my vehicle. 2 weeks? A month? See I'm not in a good position to begin with. He will have been on the road for a month starting next week. I have a pretty good feeling that if I didn't draw the line somewhere, he would be inclined to stay there another month. It's like I'm not even on the radar. I could maybe deal with it if I had my vehicle to help me get out of the house and at least get basic food items, but I don't even have that. Even if he ran out of money, because his friends like him so much that they are willing to keep him and foot the cost. It doesn't matter what I do in this situation because I'll end up being the bad guy. So at what point am I not the bad guy?????? This is still stressing me out.
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 11:18 PM   #8
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Default Re: Disagreement

I wouldnt say your being selfish or impatient. If someone arranges to be at a set place and time then they should damn well be there! Now im not saying im not considerate as to issues that spring up, but when its like a constant stream of them then its no longer issues, its excuses. Also if you cant make it, you should notify the person as far in advance as you can, not make them chase you on a daily basis! Hes stressed you out for no good reason so that he can enjoy himself with his friend. Also if he was sick why didn he visit the doctors on that day, rather than several days afterward? To be bluntly honest it reads as bull***t to me. Though i have zero tolerance of that kind of thing. Good for you for putting your foot down!
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Old 17th Jul 2012, 11:28 PM   #9
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Default Re: Disagreement

You're not the bad guy - there is no bad guy. He wants to spend time with his friend, and you want your car back and for your boyfriend to get there. It would have been nice if you had known ahead of time how things would work out (and yes, a month seems a little excessive), but it didn't happen that way, so the best you can do I think is what's already happening - make it clear that you've been expecting the car, that it's difficult for you to manage without it, and hope that he gets there as quickly as he can.
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