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Are friends with benefits a realistic slash healthy situation

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Operastar, Jul 17, 2012.

  1. Operastar

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    Hey y'all,

    So I've come to the conclusion that I should get this off my chest as fast as possible and maybe get your advice slash opinions on it :slight_smile:

    So I have a very hectic schedule these days..I work two jobs and I'm constantly doing something whether its going to a voice master class or a German intensive class before the school year comes around...I guess I'm giving you all a bit of an idea of why I cant and don't have a clear vision of what is going on in my sexual and personal life...(Sighs)

    SO about a year and a half ago I was dating this guy..It was a very intense relationship. I was seeing someone when we began it and had to end it with the other person eventually because it was getting to much to handle. I guess the relationship was so emotionally packed because we are both musicians (which can be a Very good and a very Crazy ride) Anyways, all to say our relationship was great but it ended and it was very hard for me to get over. (like extremely)

    So NOW this is my Pickle, It started last September (on and off) but I started receiving text messages from him asking how I was and if we could go to coffee and meet up. I agreed, but it was definitely hard to see him again. Then Id hear from him once and a while about meeting up again casually and I did! When January came along, he ask if id pass by his apartment. Although I was never there before since he used to live at home their was a fair amount of (sexual tension) in the room. As I got up to leave he said to me "Sorry if this sounds ridiculous but don't you think it be great if we would be friends with more synonyms (obvsly benefits)...

    I'm unsure of what I said (although this might sound ridiculously vain) I felt great like almost in power. And then we periodically met up at his place (play piano,sing,theory,wine,fuck) Sorry for the lack of adjectives but yeah...and the sex is obviously great. I wont lie but a couple days later i always feel like a 3 day downer syndrome but then I'm usually back to my happy self (yet that part typically bothers me)

    So ne ways I left for Europe for quite a while and didn't have a cell just email.. It was great not being in my own Environment (almost like a cleansing) but then at the end almost like clockwork "guess who" is in Paris right at the same time as me (right when i am about to leave back from home) writes me up an email to meet. Of course I agree but it was just meeting up for coffee(no sex). It was odd I felt nothing (Im unsure weather it was the environment change) but I kind of had an out of body experience and I said to myself: "why am I doing this back home"...

    So obviously I'm back home and questioning...I still get text from him and write back but we still haven't met up...And I'm unsure what is the best way to go forward...I'm honestly at a lost on what is the right decision....


    Any advice? <3:bang:
     
  2. Gravity

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    If being out of your natural environment and in a situation that you normally find cleansing and restorative (hopefully I'm hearing you right here) leads you to question why you're doing something, then it may be a good idea to listen to that feeling. From the sound of it, it seems like you saw his visit in Paris almost as an "invasion" of you and your space.

    You mention that it was very hard for you to get over the relationship - do you think that maybe some of your old feelings are playing a role in the current situation? I ask because from the sound of it, it's not just friends with sexual benefits happening here - when you get together back home, you spend time with the piano, singing, talking music theory...sounds like a deeper investment, imo. The danger here might be that he's looking to have the physical and intellectual attachments and fulfillments without having to worry about the emotional side. I don't know him and I won't judge him from a distance, but it's a possibility (and he may not even realize he's doing it). What do you think? If it were someone else and not an ex, it might not be such a big deal...but that past connection really throws a lot of complications into the mix.

    In the end, do you think that he's being a positive influence on your life now? Or is he distracting you from things and making you doubt your thoughts and feelings? How's your time with work, school, friends, family? You mention feeling down for a few days after sex with him. Is there any other indication as to how this is affecting you?

    One more question - how different is this current situation from the way things were in your relationship?
     
  3. Zontar

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    If you're the only friend with benefit, I don't see the problem health-wise. Tarting around town, by either you or him, only causes STDs, so it'd be best to still be monogamous.
     
  4. Delta

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    I really agree with Gravity right here. The best thing you can do is listen to your gut. My intuition has never been wrong. The more you listen to what you really want, the happier and healthier you will be.
     
  5. Operastar

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    Hey gravity,

    Thank you for your input. I guess in response to your first question... Because I fell for him so hard but in delay ( being in a previous relationship before) then I think I might always have linguering feelings for him. He had a way of making me feel extremely special and with the combination of music in there you might know where I'm comming from ( I'm probably holding on to that)
    Paris, you had a perfect way to describe it.. Deffinitely an invasion, but worse part is I had no strength to say "no thank you ?!". I'm unsure at this point wether his doing this consciously, when we dated and still today he tells me how low of a tolorence he has to people... ( do you think I fall into that category?)

    As for are relationship, its crazy because only when you asked me know it is very similar to what we are doing now is similar (minus the drama, love music letters and composing loll)... I agree that I should probably stop this mess, it's hard to do however. I am occupied with school, voice lessons and work but my social life is slightly minimal. I have four close friends and they have no clue and the bigger groups are superficial. I guess I'm pessimistic in finding something that is equal in how I felt for him ( which makes it hard for me to shut him down and not think "did I make a mistake?"