Coming out to mom since age 13

[Cody25]

Okay, so I have tried to tell my mom that I am gay for, oh, 6 or 7 years now. I knew I was gay a long time ago, and I thought that all I had to do was bring it to my mom's attention. Well, it was not that easy. She did not take it lightly, and has on many occasions told me that I must never tell anyone or else. Don't get me wrong, she is the most kind, loving woman I know. But, when it comes to this, the thought of it disgusts her. She cannot bear to think about it, and is thoroughly convinced that I am going through a phase. A seven year phase. I don't know what to do. I have almost given up on telling her. She says that even if it were true, I could never tell my brothers or stepfather because they would hate me for it. Which could be true... They are huge homophobes, absolutely hate all things gay. They shudder at the word. But what is causing her to have reservations about it? Whenever I ask her she gets very uneasy, and usually stops talking all together. On our way to move-in day at my school last year, she got so uneasy about my discussion about it with her that she stopped the car at a chevy dealership and bought me a brand new car; just to buy my silence and get me in a different car. I don't know what I am doing wrong, but I just cannot reason with her. What should I do?!?! I am at a loss, I am exhausted, and I feel like my own mother is pretending this side of me does not exist. :/

[ShayneTaylor]

I know exactly how you feel. Ive been trying to come out my mother that im transgender and she wont listen. Its been two years now since ive know an she wont accept that. Its gonna take alot to convince her but with your mom, shes denying the fact that youre different than she wanted. I would know my mom wanted me to be a "girly-girl" so im trying so hard to do that for her until i go off to college and officially say that its not me. But even so, im having trouble with clothing and with school comming up for me its hard.

I definately understand the "mom" issues fully. Itll get better. I think you should sit your family down and talk about it. And be sure to tell them that youre still you, and youre not ashamed. If they dont talk to you for a year or so then just move on with out them. My mom doesnt doesnt talk to me about my gender identity so its no different than if i told i was a gay, or lesbian, you know?

[Cody25]

Thanks for your post. I definitely get where you are coming from. I just don't know if I could risk losing my family like that. Even though the rest of them may never speak to me again if they know about me, I don't know if I can lose them. And my mother especially, although I already feel like I have lost her.

[Emberblaze]

Eh, I can kinda feel you on this one in a way. I came out to my friend a couple nights ago, and she just didn't take it well. She was pissed off and insisted it was a phase and kept tellin me i'm not gay and that I like girls. And my brain is highly impressional, so by her saying that, it kinda got my confused and doubtful about myself, but I'm gettin the pieces back together again.

Eh, but she hasn't treated me any different since that conversation, so I'm glad about that, but it was still painful.

Moral of my ramblings: you aren't alone in these kinda ordeals yo. I know our situations are kinda different, but you just hang in there and fight the good fight. I know it's hard, and I can't be certain about what the future holds, but I hope and pray that things get better for you and your family.

[csm123]

So sorry you have to go through this torment.

You are obviously trying to bring the subject up,but your mom shuts down and wont listen to you.If this is the case,could you get your mom on her own and ask her if the two of you can have an adult conversation about this elephant in the room,tell her that after 7 years you have realized that it is NOT a phase,its no ones fault but you were born gay and nothing can change this.Tell her you would love to be straight but cant be.Ask her if she would be willing to read some phlag litericture (be prepaired,print some off,pick some up etc) maybe even ask her if she would try to give you a bit of support as you feel you are losing her as a mother and want to try to build up a better relationship.

Sometimes an open and honest conversation,including the way that you feel hurt and pushed away can sometimes be enough to bring on a little guilt and make a parent look at things from a differant perspective.If you can gradually win her around,maybe even get her to speak with others about it she could be a great help when you come out to the rest of your family.

Good luck

[ShayneTaylor]

I felt like i lost my mom 4 months ago. We never talk about it anymore and when i go off to college in three years, she probably wont talk to me ever again. I already feel like i have no family so losing them isnt so bad for me, but i uderstand. I know you dont want to lose them. Just let them know that you still love them, even if you dont tell them right now.

[Cody25]

CSM, thanks for your input. I am going to take that to heart, maybe try working my feelings about what she does into my next discussion with her. I just want her to listen for once, maybe show that she cares?!?! And Shayne, sorry to hear that :/ I think we are definitely in similar situations, so you know where to find me if u wanna talk

[Chip]

I don't think you'll lose them. You might lose them for a while, but ultimately, their "disgust" for the fact that you happen to love men will be trumped by the fact that you're still you, and they won't want to just shut you out of their lives, regardless of what they may say in the heat of the moment.

Your mom can keep herself in denial because she hasn't been forced out of it. When you show up at some point with a boyfriend, and neither of you are wearing pumps and a party dress, she'll eventually figure out that there's really nothing different about you than what she's always known, except that you like dick, and you're bringing home a nice boy instead of a nice girl.

The "never tell anyone" thing is about her own shame. It has nothing to do with you. So that's on her. You need to do what you feel is right, not what she wants.

I know this really sucks right now, but I can say with certainty that even with the most bigoted, homophobic parents, nearly all of them eventually come around, once they realize there's nothing they can do to change it.