I've tried being with men - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out

Optimistic · 17th Jul 2012, 11:20 PM

But I always feel empty afterwards, and I wish I had been with a woman instead. Sometimes, even in the heat of the moment, I'll start losing steam and have to think about naked women to get going again.

It's strange though because I use almost exclusively gay porn, and most of my fantasies when I'm on my own are about being with men.

I think it says a lot that I've been willing to put myself into situations where I'm having sex with another guy as opposed to being with a woman, but why am I finding it so difficult once I'm there?

What's causing this roadblock?

kitsune309 · 18th Jul 2012, 12:01 AM

I'd say reexamine your wants. Fantasy, taste in porn, and desire to make love to someone actually aren't all that connected. I like anime, gay man porn. Do I want to have sex with gay anime men while they have sex with other men? Uhhh, no. I occasionally will fantasize about a male actor or some thing like that. Do I really want sex with him? Uhhh, no.

Don't try to be something that doesn't feel right. Daydream about men, fap to men, go home and make love to a beautiful girlfriend. It's okay.

squally89 · 18th Jul 2012, 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Optimistic

But I always feel empty afterwards, and I wish I had been with a woman instead. Sometimes, even in the heat of the moment, I'll start losing steam and have to think about naked women to get going again.

It's strange though because I use almost exclusively gay porn, and most of my fantasies when I'm on my own are about being with men.

I think it says a lot that I've been willing to put myself into situations where I'm having sex with another guy as opposed to being with a woman, but why am I finding it so difficult once I'm there?

What's causing this roadblock?

Maybe you have conditioned yourself to have physical attraction to men, but you actually want to be with a woman? Perhaps you should try watching str8 porn again to see if that is turning you on more. If so, perhaps you like women after all?

Optimistic · 18th Jul 2012, 01:17 AM

I wonder if it's some latent fear of what I'd be giving up by not being with a woman.

I very strongly want to have my own kids, and I always picture myself having a wife. I'd convinced myself that this is what media has taught me to want though, and the moment I'll have found the right guy, my priorities would realign, but now I'm not sure.

On the other hand, I don't want to be found in a situation where I'm 40 with 2 kids, and I've only just "realized" I've been living my life as a lie in order to avoid social stigma.

OMGWTFBBQ · 18th Jul 2012, 05:06 AM

Do you identify "with"men in porn more than actually being attrcated to them?

l have seriously, not once fantasized about a man but what you describe about sex with a man was like sex with a man for me also lol. The further into it, the more turned off l became.

And l actually do watch porn for the males sometimes, nothing about their bodies at all. l just feel like l'm more connected to them in porn and sort of imagine myself as them.

Optimistic · 18th Jul 2012, 11:01 AM

I wonder if it's because I find straight porn to be so fake that I can't watch it. Seeing women demean themselves in front of a camera does nothing for me, but watching gay porn, it's a clear representation of arousal.

Mogget · 18th Jul 2012, 11:11 AM

There are people who watch porn that they aren't sexually oriented towards (the most famous example being the surprisingly large number of lesbians who watch gay male porn). Sex, even if it's not with people you're attracted to, can be arousing if the participants are into it. The idea that "the proof is in the porn" is true for many people, but not all.

alwayshope11 · 18th Jul 2012, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squally89

Quote:

Originally Posted by Optimistic

But I always feel empty afterwards, and I wish I had been with a woman instead. Sometimes, even in the heat of the moment, I'll start losing steam and have to think about naked women to get going again.

It's strange though because I use almost exclusively gay porn, and most of my fantasies when I'm on my own are about being with men.

I think it says a lot that I've been willing to put myself into situations where I'm having sex with another guy as opposed to being with a woman, but why am I finding it so difficult once I'm there?

What's causing this roadblock?

Maybe you have conditioned yourself to have physical attraction to men, but you actually want to be with a woman? Perhaps you should try watching str8 porn again to see if that is turning you on more. If so, perhaps you like women after all?

You can't condition your attractions...u are still on the road to acceptance do it feels weird..just let it sit for a while!

Spatula · 18th Jul 2012, 03:02 PM

Eh, I think if the porn turns you on but the sex doesn't, the principle difference is that you're exposing yourself when you have sex, and you're safe and alone when you're just looking at porn. You may have a certain degree of auto-eroticism.

So I think it's a bit of performance anxiety coupled with this emotional problem you're dealing with: the problem of loss. You have to stop worrying about kids. If you're hung up on that it's going to wreck many things. You need to learn to get into the emotional state you feel when you're watching the porn and connect that to the real-life sex.

Also, I generally think about men and women regardless of who I'm having sex with. I'll cycle through all my fantasies when I'm with them. If it turns out you're bi, you have to let that cycle just flow. Don't try to hold it back or keep it stuck on something. Just let it run its course.

17th Jul 2012, 11:20 PM	#1
Optimistic Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Questioning Posts: 3 Join Date: Jul 2012	I've tried being with men But I always feel empty afterwards, and I wish I had been with a woman instead. Sometimes, even in the heat of the moment, I'll start losing steam and have to think about naked women to get going again. It's strange though because I use almost exclusively gay porn, and most of my fantasies when I'm on my own are about being with men. I think it says a lot that I've been willing to put myself into situations where I'm having sex with another guy as opposed to being with a woman, but why am I finding it so difficult once I'm there? What's causing this roadblock?

18th Jul 2012, 12:01 AM	#2
kitsune309 comic relief Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Double Gay Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Northwestern USA Age: 19 Posts: 756 Join Date: Jul 2012	Re: I've tried being with men I'd say reexamine your wants. Fantasy, taste in porn, and desire to make love to someone actually aren't all that connected. I like anime, gay man porn. Do I want to have sex with gay anime men while they have sex with other men? Uhhh, no. I occasionally will fantasize about a male actor or some thing like that. Do I really want sex with him? Uhhh, no. Don't try to be something that doesn't feel right. Daydream about men, fap to men, go home and make love to a beautiful girlfriend. It's okay. __________________ Don't worry when people tell you you're going through a phase. Everything is just a phase. Currently I am in my being alive and breathing phase. But it's just a phase, it'll pass.

18th Jul 2012, 01:17 AM	#4
Optimistic Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Questioning Posts: 3 Join Date: Jul 2012	Re: I've tried being with men I wonder if it's some latent fear of what I'd be giving up by not being with a woman. I very strongly want to have my own kids, and I always picture myself having a wife. I'd convinced myself that this is what media has taught me to want though, and the moment I'll have found the right guy, my priorities would realign, but now I'm not sure. On the other hand, I don't want to be found in a situation where I'm 40 with 2 kids, and I've only just "realized" I've been living my life as a lie in order to avoid social stigma.

18th Jul 2012, 05:06 AM	#5
OMGWTFBBQ EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Ultra Bionic Lady Fuck Biscuit Orientation: Reluctantly Homosexual Out Status: A few people Age: 28 Posts: 1,256 Join Date: Oct 2010	Re: I've tried being with men Do you identify "with"men in porn more than actually being attrcated to them? l have seriously, not once fantasized about a man but what you describe about sex with a man was like sex with a man for me also lol. The further into it, the more turned off l became. And l actually do watch porn for the males sometimes, nothing about their bodies at all. l just feel like l'm more connected to them in porn and sort of imagine myself as them.

18th Jul 2012, 11:01 AM	#6
Optimistic Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Questioning Posts: 3 Join Date: Jul 2012	Re: I've tried being with men I wonder if it's because I find straight porn to be so fake that I can't watch it. Seeing women demean themselves in front of a camera does nothing for me, but watching gay porn, it's a clear representation of arousal.

18th Jul 2012, 11:11 AM	#7
Mogget May all beings be happy Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Mostly homosexual, panromantic Out Status: Out to eveyone as gay, a few as panromantic Location: Alaska Age: 24 Posts: 3,110 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: I've tried being with men There are people who watch porn that they aren't sexually oriented towards (the most famous example being the surprisingly large number of lesbians who watch gay male porn). Sex, even if it's not with people you're attracted to, can be arousing if the participants are into it. The idea that "the proof is in the porn" is true for many people, but not all. __________________ So with a boundless mind may I cherish all living things, Suffusing love over the entire world - Above, below, and all around, without limit; So may I cultivate an infinite good will toward the whole world. - Metta Sutta

18th Jul 2012, 03:02 PM	#9
Spatula Clever girl.... Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Chapel Hill, NC Age: 26 Posts: 413 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: I've tried being with men Eh, I think if the porn turns you on but the sex doesn't, the principle difference is that you're exposing yourself when you have sex, and you're safe and alone when you're just looking at porn. You may have a certain degree of auto-eroticism. So I think it's a bit of performance anxiety coupled with this emotional problem you're dealing with: the problem of loss. You have to stop worrying about kids. If you're hung up on that it's going to wreck many things. You need to learn to get into the emotional state you feel when you're watching the porn and connect that to the real-life sex. Also, I generally think about men and women regardless of who I'm having sex with. I'll cycle through all my fantasies when I'm with them. If it turns out you're bi, you have to let that cycle just flow. Don't try to hold it back or keep it stuck on something. Just let it run its course. Last edited by Spatula; 18th Jul 2012 at 03:07 PM..