It's been 3 months since I realised I had a crush on my best friend. I’m 25 years old and I feel like something’s missing from my life. I’m engaged to be married to my boyfriend of 6 years and I’m not happy. I knew something was wrong the moment he proposed, my sister also knew something was wrong when she spoke to me. She said I didn’t sound happy and she knows me better than anyone. Anyway, I’ve never felt normal like other women, I’ve never really wanted children or a family and I’ve never been feminine and girlie, I’ve always identified better with men and their ways of thinking. Other women seem to be madly in love with their partners and seem to fall head over heels with them. On the other hand, all through my relationship with my boyfriend, except for the first 6 months, I’ve not been bothered about who he hangs around with, I’ve just wanted someone to hang around with because I’ve been quite lonely (on weekends). After he proposed I thought I was having second thoughts about commitment etc but I’m just not happy. During this time I also realised I had developed feelings for my female friend. I can’t stop thinking about her, I want to kiss her and hug her when I see her and I care about her like nothing before. I just want to look after her and put her needs first. If she asked me to do something, I’d do it no questions asked. She has been giving me hints saying that she can’t wait until our night out and that I should get naked. I want to kiss her and she turns me on sexually. I can’t explain it. I just want to kiss her, I have no idea what to do sexually but I know I want to pleasure her and make her feel special. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, I’ve always felt different but over the last few years I’ve been so focused on my education, I’ve completed a bachelors degree a masters degree and I’m half way through a PhD, that I’ve had no time to explore who I really am. I have this deep urge within me to explore Australia (anywhere really that means I am able to be by myself and in peace, I want to meet other people and explore who I am). But, and this is a big but, I’m terrified of making a mistake. What if, my current fiancé turns out to be the love of my life and I can’t do anything about it? What if I don’t like Australia and have to come back to my small village where everyone will call me a Dyke and look at me like I’m strange because I don’t know anyone gay apart from my friend who’s bisexual and he likes males. I’ve always been fascinated by Madonna and I find her amazing, also Lady Gaga and I’m a feminist. Everything I find interesting is on gay websites, and I love what I find on there! When I see pictures of women kissing I think it’s beautiful and I think how wonderful that they’re able to be themselves. Someone told me to look at a film where this woman was going to getting married to someone and she had a crush on a female, I cried. The cry was deep. If someone said, what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail or fall flat on your face? I would spend the next year planning Australia then I would go and rent a place on my own and get involved in clubs at the university then I would plan Australia and go there to explore who I really am and build a career. I’m scared to be on my own I’ve been in relationships since I was 17. Women everywhere around me are getting married and having children and I just don’t want that but I can’t explain why. I just don’t want to be lonely. P.S. Is it possible for someone to tell you your gay so much that eventually you believe them? My friend has told me twice that she thinks I'm gay (she's gay too). Could I possibly know so little about myself that I would believe anything she says or not? :icon_sad:
You are a lesbian you should embrace it because it's not something wrong and you'll be really unhappy If you marry him and have to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love and doesn't even sexually arouse you and If you're empathic enough something worse will happen...you'll break his heart the day he'll find out that you're actually in love with your friend and that you had been hidding the truth from him,he'll feel used and If you're a good person you don't want to hurt him
For most of my life i've been torn about my sexuality. My feelings of being one way or another seem to come in waves. One moment I'm convinced I'm gay, the next I'm convinced I'm not. I've now been married to a woman for 9 years. I love her and find her attractive, but I still have the confusion. On our second date she asked me if I was gay since a mutual friend had told her I was since I had at that time been with a man. I told her I was not. She's asked me through out our relationship. SOmetimes joking, sometimes not. Every time I wish to tell her I am conflicted, but I don't. I know it's unfair to her, and I know she would be supportive and not judgmental, but I don't want her to feel inadequate and questioning of our relationship since I don't want our relationship to end. If I would have been honest from the start it would have been easier. My point is that being honest about it now with your fiance is better. You never know, he might be very supportive and give you the space you need to figure it out. He'll probably have the same insecurities I'm scared my wife might have when I tell her, but if you decide to stay together, you can both work through them. I'm not going to assume your gay or straight or just curious. That's up to you to decide. Right now, just deal with the feelings you have. Also, you're a good person no matter your choice, but it is better to tell him now and start the mutual process of figuring it out. He also deserves the chance to decide how he feels. I hope this helps. Just make sure to stay honest and you'll be ok. Although, I wouldn't tell him about your friend at this point, unless he asks of course. That might complicate your relationship more than it might need to be at this time. Take it one thing at a time.
I would say welcome to EC. To try and simplify things I would say what do you know for sure? Sounds to me that you are sure you arent happy and dont really want to marry your boyfriend. Therefore as hard as it might be the first thing you have to do is end that. Once you have done that you can start re evaluating what you do want in life. As for believing something if someone says it often enough, I think its possible in somethings but I dont believe it can give you a crush on someone.
There's a lot I want to address in your post, and I'll try to touch on everything -but if I miss something, I'm sorry about that, and for the fact that I tend to not format my replies very clearly and thoughtfully. :bang: First: Let's address the fact that you're engaged. Whether or not he is going to be the "love of your life" doesn't matter if he isn't currently the one you love. I'm hearing you say that you have doubts about him. That you have feelings for your friend and you want to be emotionally and sexually intimate with her. Have you ever felt emotionally intimate with your boyfriend like you do with your female friend? Have you ever had the same strong sexual desire? If the answer to that is "No." then I must ask why, besides the fact that you have company with him on the weekends, do you value this relationship with him? I'm not trying to be cynical- but if you could make a magical list of "Reasons to marry ___" what would they be? If you have doubts, it is unfair to both of you to enter into a marriage. Everyone else has said something about the consequences of entering into marriage with your boyfriend, so I won't go over that too much. My personal opinion in sum: It would be best to end it rather than to enter into a marriage with feelings for another person. If he is the love of your life, if it is meant to be, then somehow...it will work out between you and him. Next: As a full time undergrad student, I can't yet understand how busy you must be with your education. I"m a senior in college, and I'm going to graduate in December. However, I know that school can put a lot of pressure on you. I also know that I have a habit of diving into my school-work so that I don't think about things. I understand your desire to go out and "do something big" like going to Australia. If you have the financial capability to do it, and it is something you want to do, you should plan for it. Remember, bravery isn't the absence of fear, but it is action in spite of fear The fact that you're willing to ask yourself the scary questions, already tells me that you're brave! Mistakes are going to happen in life. It's inevitable and part of the human condition. It is, in my opinion, a mistake to marry someone you do not love because it will hurt both people in the end. It may be a mistake to marry him, and then...always "wonder" about your friend. Breaking up with your boyfriend of six years is not going to be an easy task...And since my longest relationship was less than a year, I don't know that I can provide enough support to give you good advice for how to approach him on it. However, I am sure there are members on EC who can provide some insight! It sounds like you already know what you need to do, sweetheart. (*hug*) It's clear that you have a deep crush on your friend. It's clear that you are not excited about the engagement to your boyfriend. So let's answer your final question: "Is is possible.." Your feelings for this girl seem very real, not fabricated. Your sexual drive for her seems to sincerely exist. However, I do not see either of these qualities when you talk about your boyfriend. I doubt that someone could tell you twice, and that it would convince your mind. Example (Yes. I am currently hungry) : I like spaghetti. I do not like tomato soup If you came up to me and said: I think you like tomato soup! I would say: No, I like spaghetti If you said: No, I suspect that you actually like tomato soup and you just don't know it yet... Well, I'd consider "I wonder what tomato soup is really like...". I've seen tomato soup before. I can smell it when it's cooking. If I don't like tomato soup: I'm not going to like the way it smells. I won't be appeased by the way it looks. I won't have a desire to consume it. Someone telling me that I like tomato soup, will not change whether or not I actually enjoy the "consequences" of being around a freshly cooked bowl of it. Translation from the analogy: If you weren't already attracted to women, her comment wouldn't have this kind of affect on you. If you find yourself attracted to women- wanting to be with them sexually and emotionally, it wasn't just because someone suggested it to you. You would already have to like women in order for her comment to actually spark something this deep in your head. If you were merely curious-- if you just wondered occasionally what a kiss would be like: That's one thing. But you clearly have feelings for this friend. ....I'm going to end my post. I think I'm rambling. :eusa_doh:
How did Wolfgirl90 get so wise? She's absolutely right, you need to reevaluate your relationship. From what you've said, it sounds like you aren't straight, and whatever your orientation you should take the time to explore your sexuality. Don't rush into a marriage that you aren't enthusiastic about. <3
Thanks for replying everyone. I'm just so confused at the moment and it's nice that I can come here and you care enough to reply. I've been feeling down for around 3 months. When he proposed I didn't feel great but I think I buried these feelings deep down and tried to convince myself that I was happy. This worked for around 3 months but during this time I became irritated and thought it was my job that was causing the pain. I tried to change jobs but to no avail. Then, one night I had a random dream about my female friend. From then on I couldn't wait to see her. It was literally overnight that I developed feelings for her. I couldn't believe it, a female! I don't particularly look at women's bodies and think they're sexy though. Which is strange. I just can't stop thinking about this particular woman, I think she's beautiful, friendly, exciting, and lovely. I want to care for her and kiss her. I dream about making out to her and when we sleep in the same bed I can't breathe. We sleep in the same bed as friends of course and I would never do anything behind my fiance's back. But, I feel and act like my fiance acts when he's in bed with me, I shake with excitement and I want to kiss her, I can't breathe and I get really turned on. Even though I had all of these feelings, I still thought I was straight and I went through a horrible time where I didn't want to get up in the morning and felt really sad and alone. I was depressed basically but I thought it was because of my job. I didn't want to die but I wanted each day to be over with as soon as possible. I wasn't enjoying my life. I really don't know what to do, I've been in relationships since I was 17. One from when I was 17 until 19 and currently with my fiance, and now I'm 25. I don't have any self confidence when it comes to meeting new people and I think they all think I'm strange. Even though I have a lot of good friends. So, this is an issue. Another issue is that I'm always thinking about what other people are doing. I always compare myself to other people. I look at people my age and some are married or in long term relationships and some have kids. I think people are going to think I'm immature and I don't want to settle down and have a normal life. All I've ever known really is my fiance. He's so kind and lovely and my reasons for marriage would be the following: Reasons to marry He buys me everything I ask him to buy He’s always there for me when I ask him He always listens to me His parents are lovely He’s good company Don't people get bored in relationships anyway? Isn't it all about companionship? I don't know if I love him but I don't feel like I do towards my friend. I want to see her all the time, I get butterflies, I care about her and would give up my dream of going to Australia to be with her. Please help I feel awful for writing all of this.
This tells me that you are in fact, not happy. So your current state of things isn't ideal. I know this isn't the order of your message, but I'm going to also take this time to reference when you said: Yes. It is true that people get bored. Companionship is an element of relationships but there's more to romance than company. If companionship was all it took- you could have a romance with a poodle. And I don't think anyone here wants or would recommend that. Take a look at this chart! It's pretty sweet... This is called the Triangular Theory of Love, and I think it's a really good theory. There's more to love than liking, there's more to love and relationships than commitment. Since we know you have "Commitment" let's start with that. If you have commitment alone: It's called empty love. I'm not sure if the theorist said this, but I'm going to assume he/she gave it that title because that's how you feel, and there's nothing there. It sounds like you have more than just commitment, but it's not really romance. Let me show you: Let's look at the list you made. I. I'm going to automatically scratch out His Parents are lovely because you're not marrying his parents. You're marrying him. Though, believe me, I totally understand the desire to have nice in-laws. I get the thinking, it's just not applicable to help you figure this out. II. In order to help you, I need to be clear on what you mean when you say a few of these. 1. "He buys me everything I ask him to buy" Here is what I'm hearing: Either: A) He financially provides for you and this gives you a sense of security. or B) You believe him to be a very giving person, and he expresses this quality by providing for you. 2. "He's good company" Here is what I'm hearing: Either: A) His physical presence removes a feeling of loneliness B) His physical presence brings you joy III. "He's always there for me when I need him" and " He always listens to me". These are the ones I have no contest for. These are excellent qualities to have in someone, and I can see why these things would allow you to build a sense of trust and worth with him. IV. Take a moment for yourself. I'm going to suggest that you write a list of his positive qualities. Literally, right now. Stop reading and try to make a small mental list. We'll come back to it in a few minutes. ----------------[insert moment?]----- Now, let's get back to the Triangle chart. You've told me that you have the foundations for Intimacy with him, and by intimacy, I mean that feeling that you know someone and you can trust them. So you have Intimacy + Commitment. Ah! Companionate Love! So let's back up. What exactly does "Companionate love" mean. Well, generally, it refers to the kind of love you might have with a friend that you have no sexual attraction to. You trust this person a lot, and you are committed to being there. One thing lacks: Passion. Passion isn't limited to sexual, passion is also emotional. So let's ask yourself: Do you have passion for your boyfriend? It doesn't seem to me, from your posts, like you do. However....when you talk about your friend.... Emotional passion. Sexual Passion Let's back up a second. Remember when I asked you to write down a list abotu your boyfriend? Write one about your friend. Write about her positive qualities. Is the list longer? The same? (These are rhetorical questions). Let's switch gears. Here's what I'm hearing. I hear : I am afraid that if I leave him, I will have no one. Comments: But, is it fair to him, to stay with him because you're afraid? I hear: (Pretty much what you said) I compare myself to others. Comments: You are unique, sweetheart. You're not like anyone else because people are not meant to be just like one another. We often want to be part of a group, so we try to hide our quirks and the things that separate us from the "masses". I know that a lot of people around our age are getting married and having kids right now. And I fully understand the desire to have your own family, but it is possible to have a family with someone that you are in love with- even if that someone happens to be a girl. (*hug*) In the end.... The question becomes: Are you now? Could you be? If you could wave a magic wand and have the ideal romantic situation, without hurting anyone, what would you choose? Try to not think abotu it too much and go with your gut reaction.
All I'm going to say is that, you've been with him for 6 years. If you knew he was the love of your life, I think you would have realized it by now. Good luck. <3
The above posts are excellant and so I wont repeat all that. I just have a couple of things to add. Firstly you say your fiance is a great guy, so dont you think he deserves to marry someone that can love him as he loves you. (You also deserve this, I just dont think you are going to find it with him.) Secondly you say people will think you are immature if you dont want to settle down but I totally disagree I think the immature thing to do would be to bury your head in the sand, pretend everything is ok and go through with the marriage. To stand up, be brave and say as much as I care for you something isnt right here, is far braver and more mature.
thank you guys so much you've really helped. and the triangle love really helped i feel emotionally and sexually attracted to my friend. it's something deep down that i can't help. it's like a natural reaction when i see her, i'm turned on. when i see her, i want to care for her. it's not something i choose. this is a shock to me because i always thought that it was something you chose. WOW. thank you all so much, it's really good to talk to intelligent people.
You sound like you are in very similar headspace to me, except I don't have a current crush on a straight girl (I have had them in the past). I am in a 5 year relationship with a man and am currently questioning. It is very confusing though, I think to me he is on the right side of the triangle ("companionate love"), and in my thinking 2 out of 3 ain't bad. I wish we didn't have to assume that we were straight during puberty, then we wouldn't get into these messes. :icon_sad:
