Question for gay people (not bi/pan) - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out

Sayu · 19th Jul 2012, 11:50 AM

I just want to know because this is something that happened to me and I'm still not sure about this whole situation, so:

If you are a gay woman:
Imagine you've met an amazing girl online. She seems to be perfect and you immediately fall in love with her. After some time of getting to know her, she admits to you that she is actually a man (not transgender, simply a boy pretending to be a girl just for fun, having fake photos etc.). Would you still have the feelings for him? Or would it disappear at the moment you found out?

If you are a gay man it is the same question, but there's a girl pretending to be a boy instead.

Thank you for your answers

**Jim1454** · 19th Jul 2012, 11:57 AM

I'd immediately fall out of love with them because they had lied to me.

justinf · 19th Jul 2012, 11:59 AM

I assume -- since you only want gays answering -- that you mean "would the feelings disappear simply because they turned out to be the opposite sex", right? Just to clear things up.. because otherwise people might think you mean "would the feelings disappear because they turned out te be liars"..

Yeah I won't answer the rest, because I don't think I'm really gay

Tetraquark · 19th Jul 2012, 12:05 PM

I've thought about this some before, but I never did come up with a fully satisfactory answer. Obviously purposefully misleading someone about your gender is problematic, so I would probably call off whatever relationship was developing. However, while I know the sense of betrayal would impact my feelings for the person, I don't know what effect me realizing they are male would have independent of it.

I think I would still have feelings for him at first - after all, feelings don't tend to disappear immediately. It takes a while for the brain to truly process and integrate the new information. But once my brain's image of the person finally caught up with reality, it would almost certainly kill all sexual attraction and potentially romantic attraction as well, though I am less sure of the latter than the former.

Sayu · 19th Jul 2012, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justinf

I assume -- since you only want gays answering -- that you mean "would the feelings disappear simply because they turned out to be the opposite sex", right? Just to clear things up.. because otherwise people might think you mean "would the feelings disappear because they turned out te be liars"..

Yeah I won't answer the rest, because I don't think I'm really gay

Yes, that's what I meant. I'm sorry for not being clear, I'm not a native English speaker

timo · 19th Jul 2012, 12:11 PM

I honestly wouldn't know. When we would meet in person some day and she turns to be a girl I think the real life attraction would be much much less (if not absent) than it would be with a guy. And of course this huge lie would mean the relationship would be hopeless anyway.

**thecat06** · 19th Jul 2012, 12:11 PM

If I could get over the fact that they lied to me (which would be hard for me to do) I would probably only be emotionally attracted to them. I just don't find myself sexually attracted to men. I'm not saying that I would not try, it just probably would not work out.

**Mogget** · 19th Jul 2012, 12:18 PM

Well, as Jim said, the whole lying to me thing is a big deal. But suppose this person has a gender-neutral name and I just assume. Well, yes, I'd still have feelings for her, but I probably wouldn't find her sexually attractive anymore. However, if I liked her enough I might still be willing to pursue a relationship, though we'd have to make some negotiations.

Peanuts · 19th Jul 2012, 12:27 PM

Oh geeze, what a scenario. It'd quickly kill all of my attraction, because I'm just not into guys and because that is such a huge lie. After a while, I think I could still be friends though unless they were faking their personality as well.

SunSparks · 19th Jul 2012, 12:34 PM

I really agree with some of the posts. A lie... that will make me fall out of love. That may ruin any chances of being together, but as for being friends... IF you can overlook the lie, that might happen

Kerze · 19th Jul 2012, 12:39 PM

I wouldn't have been in love with them, I'd have been in love with the person they were pretending to be.

Also, this is the plot of the novel 'Will Grayson, will grayson' by John Green and David Levithan

CelticRae · 19th Jul 2012, 01:20 PM

LOL I probably could tell he was a guy before he even told me so. People aren't very good at lying usually. Yeah and If I couldn't tell total turn off because he lied.

OMGWTFBBQ · 19th Jul 2012, 01:25 PM

D: did this happen to you?

Or are you the man in this situation...? o_O

lol, no.

1). The person is a douchebag for the event itself.

2). There are plenty of men l admire and really like but am not physically attracted to IRL. There's no chemistry, we could be soulmates in every other way but it doesn't work.

Curly · 19th Jul 2012, 01:36 PM

I personally think it is super creepy for a dude to pose as a girl to talk to girls ... period!

run!!

Bobbgooduk · 19th Jul 2012, 01:47 PM

The answer to this for me is not difficult - if the person wanted just to continue as a friend, then I probably would keep in touch, but I wouldn't want to get too emotionally involved.

It also depends on why he lied - if he was trying to trick me it would be different to if they were just desperate to chat and that I was the only one "available" at the time.

Personally, I couldn't get emotionally involved with anyone I hadn't met and got to know "in the flesh". I once got friendly with a guy from India and we chatted a lot - he wanted to improve his English and he started to teach me Gujurati BUT eventually he started to say he loved me and he wanted to come and live with me. Very bizarre! It all got a bit "stalkerish" and I stopped chatting to him. I learned to be a bit more careful online - I don't exchange contact details OR cam with someone until I know them really well.

Good luck with getting over this set-back, but you know the answer yourself already - if you're looking for a girl, then a boy won't do.

**Lexington** · 19th Jul 2012, 02:05 PM

I guess that would depend.

If he came to me and said something like the following:

"I need to come clean about something. I'm biologically female, but I've always considered myself male. I haven't gone through gender-reassignment, but I definitely want to. I haven't told you this yet because I was worried how you'd react - so many gay guys run away when I tell them I'm biologically female but consider myself male."

...then it's possible we could continue being together. If he just sort of sprung it on me, and tried to guilt trip me into staying with him because "you're being shallow by insisting I have a penis" or some such, then, y'know, bye.

Lex

julia · 19th Jul 2012, 02:26 PM

I'm gay, not bisexual/pansexual, I don't like guys, that's just how it is. So I would feel like I was being taken advantaged of and lied to by this guy.
It's completely different even the person was transgender though, because that is not pretending.

ToTheCeilingFan · 19th Jul 2012, 03:34 PM

I'd be pissed -- I'd feel like I'd been toyed with and led on, and I'd break it off. It's not so much the penis that's the issue (although that is a bit of a problem), it's the lie. If he was transitioning genders, I'd be more understanding and flexible, but just a straight cis guy pretending to be a girl? No dice.

Caoimhe Fayre · 19th Jul 2012, 04:09 PM

well, I would find falling in love with someone over the internet to be very unlikely for me. I need to see someone on a day to day basis and have time to get to know them, in person, and see their interactions with other people, to fall in love. online, all you have is what they tell you and that for me is not enough.

but, yeah, I'd lose interest pretty quickly, because I mean, no offense but my eye would not be drawn the way my eye is drawn to other women, and sexual attraction is pretty important to me, so while I can be friends with a guy, romantic involvement would be doomed to failure... I don't mean to be shallow, but I want there to be both sexual and emotional compatibility between myself and the person I end up with.

JillandJill · 20th Jul 2012, 01:10 PM

I would still be in love with them, yes. Hence all the darn people out there in abusive relationships, and they just keep going back. Love is strong.. the strongest of any emotion I have experienced thus far. It doesn't just disappear for me when my girl just up and quits talking to me. For no reason, without warning. I should say "Alright then, I won't put up with that. Now, moving on." But it's not that simple.

19th Jul 2012, 11:50 AM	#1
Sayu EC Addict Full Member Gender: very tomboyish girl Orientation: I'm into people. Out Status: about 20 friends, brother and Mum <3 Location: Europe Age: 19 Posts: 666 Join Date: Mar 2012	Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I just want to know because this is something that happened to me and I'm still not sure about this whole situation, so: If you are a gay woman: Imagine you've met an amazing girl online. She seems to be perfect and you immediately fall in love with her. After some time of getting to know her, she admits to you that she is actually a man (not transgender, simply a boy pretending to be a girl just for fun, having fake photos etc.). Would you still have the feelings for him? Or would it disappear at the moment you found out? If you are a gay man it is the same question, but there's a girl pretending to be a boy instead. Thank you for your answers __________________ “...the man of my dreams is a girl.” "Don't listen to them, you get to come in, too!" (Chris Colfer)

19th Jul 2012, 11:57 AM	#2
Jim1454 EC 'Dad' EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Toronto Age: 42 Posts: 7,977 Join Date: Mar 2007	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I'd immediately fall out of love with them because they had lied to me. __________________ Jim "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

19th Jul 2012, 11:59 AM	#3
justinf EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Sexual Location: Amsterdam Age: 20 Posts: 1,224 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I assume -- since you only want gays answering -- that you mean "would the feelings disappear simply because they turned out to be the opposite sex", right? Just to clear things up.. because otherwise people might think you mean "would the feelings disappear because they turned out te be liars".. Yeah I won't answer the rest, because I don't think I'm really gay

19th Jul 2012, 12:05 PM	#4
Tetraquark Apprentice Programmer Full Member Gender: Genderfluid (demigirl /androgyne) Orientation: Queer & Fluid Out Status: Anyone who asks (except grandparents) Location: Inside my own head Age: 20 Posts: 839 Join Date: Feb 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I've thought about this some before, but I never did come up with a fully satisfactory answer. Obviously purposefully misleading someone about your gender is problematic, so I would probably call off whatever relationship was developing. However, while I know the sense of betrayal would impact my feelings for the person, I don't know what effect me realizing they are male would have independent of it. I think I would still have feelings for him at first - after all, feelings don't tend to disappear immediately. It takes a while for the brain to truly process and integrate the new information. But once my brain's image of the person finally caught up with reality, it would almost certainly kill all sexual attraction and potentially romantic attraction as well, though I am less sure of the latter than the former. __________________ "I believe our future depends powerfully on how well we understand this Cosmos in which we float like a mote of dust in the morning sky." -- Carl Sagan

19th Jul 2012, 12:11 PM	#6
timo full of fire Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Most friends know Location: The Netherlands Age: 23 Posts: 1,268 Join Date: Mar 2012 Tournaments Won: 4	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I honestly wouldn't know. When we would meet in person some day and she turns to be a girl I think the real life attraction would be much much less (if not absent) than it would be with a guy. And of course this huge lie would mean the relationship would be hopeless anyway.

19th Jul 2012, 12:11 PM	#7
thecat06 Let the journey of life continue! EC Moderator Gender: Let's say Pangender! Orientation: Let's say gay!! (Homoromantic Demisexual) Out Status: Out as pan to most, out as gay completely Location: Central and Northern Ohio Age: 20 Posts: 7,041 Join Date: Jun 2011 Tournaments Won: 9	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) If I could get over the fact that they lied to me (which would be hard for me to do) I would probably only be emotionally attracted to them. I just don't find myself sexually attracted to men. I'm not saying that I would not try, it just probably would not work out. __________________ The tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. -Anderson Cooper

19th Jul 2012, 12:18 PM	#8
Mogget May all beings be happy EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Mostly homosexual, panromantic Out Status: Out to eveyone as gay, a few as panromantic Location: Alaska Age: 23 Posts: 3,107 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) Well, as Jim said, the whole lying to me thing is a big deal. But suppose this person has a gender-neutral name and I just assume. Well, yes, I'd still have feelings for her, but I probably wouldn't find her sexually attractive anymore. However, if I liked her enough I might still be willing to pursue a relationship, though we'd have to make some negotiations. __________________ So with a boundless mind may I cherish all living things, Suffusing love over the entire world - Above, below, and all around, without limit; So may I cultivate an infinite good will toward the whole world. - Metta Sutta

19th Jul 2012, 12:27 PM	#9
Peanuts <3 Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls are cool. Out Status: All but family. Posts: 100 Join Date: Jul 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) Oh geeze, what a scenario. It'd quickly kill all of my attraction, because I'm just not into guys and because that is such a huge lie. After a while, I think I could still be friends though unless they were faking their personality as well.

19th Jul 2012, 12:34 PM	#10
SunSparks The Naive One Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Open to all at Uni Location: upstate New York (For University) Age: 18 Posts: 1,176 Join Date: Jul 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I really agree with some of the posts. A lie... that will make me fall out of love. That may ruin any chances of being together, but as for being friends... IF you can overlook the lie, that might happen __________________ If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm. ~Frank Lane

19th Jul 2012, 12:39 PM	#11
Kerze BEWARB! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Friends, Sister Location: Surrey, England Age: 18 Posts: 1,888 Join Date: Aug 2010	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I wouldn't have been in love with them, I'd have been in love with the person they were pretending to be. Also, this is the plot of the novel 'Will Grayson, will grayson' by John Green and David Levithan __________________ Be kind to me, or treat me mean I'll make the most of it, I'm an Extraordinary Machine

19th Jul 2012, 01:20 PM	#12
CelticRae Im magic Btches Full Member Gender:* agender/nongender Orientation: Student of Sappho Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Indy Age: 24 Posts: 93 Join Date: Jul 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) LOL I probably could tell he was a guy before he even told me so. People aren't very good at lying usually. Yeah and If I couldn't tell total turn off because he lied. __________________ I am not from Your tribe....

19th Jul 2012, 01:25 PM	#13
OMGWTFBBQ EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Ultra Bionic Lady Fuck Biscuit Orientation: Reluctantly Homosexual Out Status: A few people Age: 28 Posts: 1,256 Join Date: Oct 2010	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) D: did this happen to you? Or are you the man in this situation...? o_O lol, no. 1). The person is a douchebag for the event itself. 2). There are plenty of men l admire and really like but am not physically attracted to IRL. There's no chemistry, we could be soulmates in every other way but it doesn't work.

19th Jul 2012, 01:36 PM	#14
Curly EC Addict Full Member Gender: Boi Orientation: Lesbit Out Status: really, you can't tell? Location: Canada Age: 24 Posts: 283 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I personally think it is super creepy for a dude to pose as a girl to talk to girls ... period! run!! __________________ Sometimes a joke is the kindest thing you can do

19th Jul 2012, 01:47 PM	#15
Bobbgooduk Banned Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Age: 54 Posts: 703 Join Date: Jul 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) The answer to this for me is not difficult - if the person wanted just to continue as a friend, then I probably would keep in touch, but I wouldn't want to get too emotionally involved. It also depends on why he lied - if he was trying to trick me it would be different to if they were just desperate to chat and that I was the only one "available" at the time. Personally, I couldn't get emotionally involved with anyone I hadn't met and got to know "in the flesh". I once got friendly with a guy from India and we chatted a lot - he wanted to improve his English and he started to teach me Gujurati BUT eventually he started to say he loved me and he wanted to come and live with me. Very bizarre! It all got a bit "stalkerish" and I stopped chatting to him. I learned to be a bit more careful online - I don't exchange contact details OR cam with someone until I know them really well. Good luck with getting over this set-back, but you know the answer yourself already - if you're looking for a girl, then a boy won't do.

19th Jul 2012, 02:05 PM	#16
Lexington The gay gargoyle EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Colorado Age: 43 Posts: 13,968 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I guess that would depend. If he came to me and said something like the following: "I need to come clean about something. I'm biologically female, but I've always considered myself male. I haven't gone through gender-reassignment, but I definitely want to. I haven't told you this yet because I was worried how you'd react - so many gay guys run away when I tell them I'm biologically female but consider myself male." ...then it's possible we could continue being together. If he just sort of sprung it on me, and tried to guilt trip me into staying with him because "you're being shallow by insisting I have a penis" or some such, then, y'know, bye. Lex

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19th Jul 2012, 02:26 PM	#17
julia the road is long, we carry on Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Asexual? Bisexual? Lesbian? Out Status: Immediate family Location: Upstate New York Age: 21 Posts: 1,249 Join Date: Apr 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I'm gay, not bisexual/pansexual, I don't like guys, that's just how it is. So I would feel like I was being taken advantaged of and lied to by this guy. It's completely different even the person was transgender though, because that is not pretending. __________________ I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast, I am alone in the night. Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I've got a war in my mind.

19th Jul 2012, 03:34 PM	#18
ToTheCeilingFan crazed Full Member Gender: Lady with a dash of Tramp Orientation: So dykey I keep the Netherlands from flooding Out Status: My proverbial closet is collecting dustbunnies Location: Somewhere over the rainbow... Age: 19 Posts: 261 Join Date: Dec 2010	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I'd be pissed -- I'd feel like I'd been toyed with and led on, and I'd break it off. It's not so much the penis that's the issue (although that is a bit of a problem), it's the lie. If he was transitioning genders, I'd be more understanding and flexible, but just a straight cis guy pretending to be a girl? No dice. __________________ "Abercrombie isn't about helping people. It's about playing rugby with your best buds in a fresh green field, only you both forgot your clothes."

19th Jul 2012, 04:09 PM	#19
Caoimhe Fayre EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: I guess you call me... OUT XD Location: Ontario Canada Age: 25 Posts: 324 Join Date: Mar 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) well, I would find falling in love with someone over the internet to be very unlikely for me. I need to see someone on a day to day basis and have time to get to know them, in person, and see their interactions with other people, to fall in love. online, all you have is what they tell you and that for me is not enough. but, yeah, I'd lose interest pretty quickly, because I mean, no offense but my eye would not be drawn the way my eye is drawn to other women, and sexual attraction is pretty important to me, so while I can be friends with a guy, romantic involvement would be doomed to failure... I don't mean to be shallow, but I want there to be both sexual and emotional compatibility between myself and the person I end up with. __________________ Sometimes true love is about letting go.

20th Jul 2012, 01:10 PM	#20
JillandJill Well Known Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: G(r)ay Out Status: Out to family, close friends, and anyone who asks Location: Colorado Age: 20 Posts: 187 Join Date: Apr 2012	Re: Question for gay people (not bi/pan) I would still be in love with them, yes. Hence all the darn people out there in abusive relationships, and they just keep going back. Love is strong.. the strongest of any emotion I have experienced thus far. It doesn't just disappear for me when my girl just up and quits talking to me. For no reason, without warning. I should say "Alright then, I won't put up with that. Now, moving on." But it's not that simple.