Yep. That's me... A loner, anti-social, nobody

We are all different and it's important to remember that we're all equally valuable. Cheesy, I know, but society tends to admire people who are bubbly, lively and self-confident. Some of these social heroes anre genuinely as they appear to be. Others, though, are just acting a part and if you scratch the surface, you see that they're only just getting away with the pretence.

Like you, I hate the "scene" and I'm at an age when it's not really expected any more. Like you, I had bad skin and it was no comfort for the doctor to say he'd never seen a 65-year-old with acne. I still have bad skin - not as bad by any means - but spots, like beauty - are only skin-deep. It's what's inside that is ultimately important.

You write well and express yourself clearly - join a creative-writing group? I think most evening courses are free if you're unemployed. It's important not to build a prison for yourself - force yourself out of your bedroom - you have enough "restrictions" without imposing more on yourself.

 

I like the advise the Bobbgooduk gave. Find a sort of "hobby." As said before, like creative-writing. Go out to the park and read a book under a tree. Find something you are interesting in doing and pursue it. You don't need to go out and get some binoculars and start searching for a boyfriend or anything. Just get out and you never know what will happen.

In terms of looks... I know, I've been cursed with horrible genetics. Personally, I "work" on myself for hours a day. To be honest, I do it more for living healthy than the looks but if you want to, set up a plan for being more healthy and more happy. Work on yourself. Thats what I have been doing. If you don't like yourself, you can change yourself. I have been working on my outlook on life and people skills. Don't do anything crazy and don't hate yourself. Just work on yourself and you will get to accept yourself a little more.

 

Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but, some thoughts I had:

What I hear a lot of in this post isn't necessarily reasons that you haven't met someone, or things you wish you could be doing with a boyfriend, but rather reasons that you *can't* meet someone. I find it especially interesting that you think that online dating "just seems like a lot of work" and is therefore not worth it. Dating, whatever else it might be, is definitely hard work, and the more reasons you give yourself that it will "never" happen, the more likely it will turn out that you were right. The exact opposite is also true, however.

There's a thread elsewhere on EC about things we like about our bodies (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/health-well-being/63501-top-5-things-you-like-about-your-body.html) - is that something you would even be able to respond to? I ask because if you really feel this way about yourself, then whether or not you go out to clubs isn't really the point - you could get dragged out to all the clubs in the country and you wouldn't meet anyone, just because you're so certain you won't. The one thing I can say for sure, though, is that it does not have to be that way. Do you think you have low self-esteem? Or is something else going on? Or are you responding to something that happened in your past? Whatever the case may be, dealing with that might be a good first step. I can absolutely guarantee you that if you really want to meet someone, then someone out there really wants to meet you.

 

First of all, there are no "shoulds" outside of questions of morality. It's okay to want a boyfriend, but it's also completely okay not to. There are times in our lives where we aren't capable, for any of a variety of reasons, of sustaining a romantic relationship. And that's okay.

A lot of gay men struggle with body image, myself included. However, a negative body image is not incurable. My therapist and I have been using Thomas Cash's The Body Image Workbook to help me deal with my body image problems. Cash's book is designed to be done alone, so you don't need a therapist to work through it.

I liked Bob's idea of finding a creative writing group. Even if that's not your cup of tea, the same principle applies. You can find a fun group to hang out with that isn't LGBT-centered. There's lots of meetup groups where I live doing various things from meditation to chess to discussing books. All of them are free. It's a good way to meet people. And, statistically speaking, some of those people will be gay.

It's not true that people who don't love themselves can't be loved by others. They can. However, such a relationship is unlikely to be a healthy one. When I was in a relationship while not loving myself I ended up relying on my boyfriend for my sense of self-worth. I only felt like I was human when I was around him. In a sense, I was addicted to him, and when he broke up with me I went (metaphorically) into withdrawal).

More generally, I would advise you to find a support group, therapist, or counselor. You're dealing with some very difficult self-esteem and isolation problems that will be much easier to work on with outside help.

 

OK, Gazza - I understand what you mean about self-image. I go through phases, cycles even, when I don't care that I am overweight - I don't want to live until I'm 100 like my Nan anyway - and then I go back to thinking perhaps I should lose weight. So I'm a yo-yo dieter! The worst kind! BUT (and I'm sure you know this already - you know your way around the Internet :icon_wink ) there are thousands and thousands of people out there that find fat people like me really attractive! Bearish, rugger-buggers like me AND the stupendously overweight! And, of course, there are the people who like the opposite - stick thin and emaciated. SOme like the washboard abs and six-pack, others like weedy, nerdy types.

If you can't find something you like about yourself (yet) then how about thinking about what YOU find attractive (not just physically). I don't mean that you should be looking for just this sort of person - my experience tells me that we often find happiness with someone who does not fit our "ideal" - but it might help take your mind of your own perception of your short-comings - looking outward instead of inward.

And I really recommend that you try go get out for part of the day, at least.

Four years ago I suffered badly from depression which really laid me low. I was off work for 7 months and I felt panicked because I didn't recognize myself any more. I volunteered to help at the local animal sanctuary. Every morning, for 4 hours, I looked after the cats in quarantine or cleaned out the dog pens. To start with, the noise jangled so much in my head, I had to wear ear-plugs, but the routine of getting up and being with the animals really helped me. I loved being with the cats - I like dogs, but cats are so much quieter - and they really were part of my therapy, as was medication. I don't believe in suffering if there is a chemical solution - think about going to the doctor and asking for counselling (which I also had) and medication, but don't just let the doctor fob you off with pills - you need something structural to go along with it. With my counsellor, I would spend hours writing, explaining how I felt throughout the day and writing about some of the experiences which had helped to put me in the dark place I was in. I would send these on to her to read and then we would talk about them. Sometimes it takes someone from outside to see things that you have overlooked. Don't be ashamed and don't be too frightened to ask for help.

Above all, don't even imagine that you are alone. If you were able to, you would see that there are 1000s of people who feel down, unloved and useless BUT do not give up on yourself - there really IS someone out there looking for someone just like YOU, probably think that there is no-one out there for them either.
This is not a hopeless situation, but the solution does not lie wrapped up in your own thoughts and in your bedroom prison. It will take a lot of effort on your part, and people might not seem very sympathetic or patient, but outside, in the real world, is the only place you will find what you're looking for.

Feel free to keep in contact if you wish.

 

I wasn't going to be posting on EC the next few days since I'm out of town, but I saw this and wanted to because I actually have really relevant advice (as opposed to the usual "my opinion that's not necessarily correct").

Anyway, yesterday before I left school, what we talked about in my social psych class was all about attraction. Not strictly physical attraction (because that does play a part in it), but all the social mechanisms behind attraction. This goes for attraction leading to both friendships and romantic relationships.

I won't list all the things I learned in detail because like I said, I'm not here right now (nor do I have my notes), but if you're interested shoot me a message and I can elaborate more in a couple of days.

The first thing I wanted to mention was the idea of proximity. Studies have shown that people who are physically closer to one another are much more likely to develop any sort of relationship with one another. There's a bunch of other things tied into this, but that's the basic idea. What the point of this is (relevant to you) is that because of the funk you're in now just hanging at home and feeling anti-social, well... you're not meeting anyone. You aren't seeing anyone on a regular basis, you aren't getting that interaction with other people. It's this idea that's why a lot of us meet our good friends through school, work, hobbies/clubs, etc., and not as much through chance encounter.

NOTE: PHYSICAL ATTRACTION DOES NOT PLAY A SIGNIFICANT ROLE IN MAKING FRIENDS! Seriously. It plays a role in relationships, sure, but in friendships it's insignificant. So stop convincing yourself of that fact.

I've already gone on about the "you can be single and be happy, which in turn makes you confident" stuff in your other threads (and other people's threads), so I'll spare you the same spiel.

Additionally, you talk a lot about how uncomfortable you're feeling. I think for the most part EVERYONE feels uncomfortable with themselves; some more than others, sure, but you're not alone in that thinking. The problem with our insecurity is we let it get the best of us. You need to push your boundaries and experience new things in order to grow. The more you grow, the more comfortable you'll become with yourself.

The only advice I'm giving you (because I wholeheartedly believe it's the single most important thing you need to do) is get out of the house. Whether that means find a job, go pick up a hobby, hang out in public places, find a place of your own to live... just do something. You need to meet people. A lot of your problems seem to stem from being anti-social, so fix that first! All it takes is a little bit of effort on your end. You can stay here in a funk, but nobody's gonna come running to your door that way. I'm not saying this is a magic fix to all your problems (for example, it might not make you look better), but it'll certainly be a step in the right direction. Building your confidence helps motivate you to start making all the other changes you want to make in your life.

It's scary, but you gotta do it. Might as well start doing it now before you hit rock bottom, right? We'll be here to support you, don't forget. And like I said, if you want to know more about the science-y stuff to this, hit me up; I'll explain when I get back.

 

Hey, My name is carolyn and I read your post about being alone on the forums... and I know exactly how you feel. When i forced myself into the hetero lifestyle i had friends, but when i came out my ex kissed my best friend and I lost all of the people important in my life at one time, and I am just lacking to social skills to meet new people.
I know how it feels to hate your body too. I have sensitive skin and no matter what I do i have scars and marks and it is the worst feeling in the world to look at someone and be envious of something as simple as healthy skin.
But i just wanted to say that your not completely alone. Most of us on EC are here for help, or to help others and there are people you can talk to.
And no matter how much i cant believe it for myself, you are worth something. Find something you are passionate about and go for it, I think that is the best way to find peace with yourself.