I've been debating with myself if I should come out to my family. I feel like I'm hiding, and I don't want to feel like that anymore. But there's a few things that are stopping me. My family is strongly Christian, and they believe that homosexuality isn't a choice, but it's sinful to act on those feelings. My sister thinks that it's just disgusting. I'm really scared of my parents' reactions. I'm going off to college in a month, and I don't know if they'll react badly enough to stop paying. My family and I moved last week, and both of my parents are stressed beyond belief. My Mom gets stressed easily, so it will take a while for her to calm down. I know I can't tell them now, but sooner rather than later would be better. When I ask my friends what I should do, almost all of them say "It's up to you." :dry: Not the advice I was looking for. But one of them said that my sexuality is personal and that my parents shouldn't know. I feel like they should know. It's a big part of me and I feel like they deserve to know. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Unfortunately, it *is* up to you. :lol: But beyond that, some thoughts. First, the friend who said that your sexuality is personal and your parents don't need to know - well, you already seem to realize that's not going to work. What you actually like to do in bed may be personal, but who you want your boyfriend/partner to be isn't. I had some of the same fears that my parents would stop paying for college, in my dad's case, and put off telling him for years. Turns out he handled it just fine - not without bumps in the road, but he certainly wouldn't have cut off tuition money. I think that this is going to be a pretty rare response, especially if they were already planning on putting you through school, though ultimately you know your family better than I do. Is that something you suspect they would actually do, or are you more just afraid of it happening? Have you tried breaking down the issue a bit for them and voicing support, or at least neutrality, for gay issues (marriage, etc.)? Or is that not even something you feel that you can do? Is there any family member - your mom, perhaps - that you think might be easier to come out to first? Sometimes, depending on the situation, it's easier to do it one person at a time, as a way of building confidence and support as you go along. If you feel that you want to come out, you should probably do it eventually. Waiting until you're out of the house might not be a horrible idea (which I'm guessing is happening soon). On the other hand, if you do it now, you might have some time to actually clear up some misconceptions and re-establish a relationship before you leave.
If you are close enough to them they will keep paying for your chollege. But you have to know that it isnt going to be fun. They see it as a sin and will try their best to get you out of it wich means alot of talk to convice you that it is wrong and that you should change. Im not saying that they will react that way, maybe they will be supportive, you never know but Im just trying to give you advice based on myself.
I know how you feel. My mom is strongly Christian, but she's not homophobic. She did at one point like 4 years ago say that she doesn't support gay marriage because of the "it's for one man and one woman" bullcrap, but it's been a while since then, and I don't know how she feels about it anymore. We'd watch shows with gay characters and she always loves them. I told her I had a gay guy friend, and she's always asking me how he's doing. But when it comes to coming out for myself, I really can't come to do it. My mom wigs out easily too and stresses out easy and has high blood pressure. Our family already went through our share of issues, so I really don't want to bring something up that could jeopardize the "peace" we have right now. I don't plan on telling my family unless it's necessary, i.e. if I ever actually get into a relationship. I know it's a big part of you and that it's important. You feel like they should know, but only you know how your family will react. If you don't feel it will turn out well, I suggest you wait until you're on your own. Especially if you're not dating anyone yet, I don't see the rush to come out. Besides, once you're in college, you'll have plenty of opportunities to come out to your peers. You can get practice and a support system before the big coming out with your parents.
Well, I'm more afraid of them cutting off tuition. I really don't know what their reaction will be. :icon_sad: My Mom actually brought up Oreo's support of gay rights and asked what I thought about it. I obviously supported it, but couldn't tell her the real reason. My Dad walked in and they gave me a lecture for college, basically saying I should tolerate them, but try not to always be with them. My Dad might be a possibility, but it's a huge gray area. It's a little hard to get a reading on him. My sister thinks gays are terrible. Sure, she has one or two gay friends, but she seems to think gays are immoral and therefore disgusting. She found out about my first gay crush and freaked out on me. She printed a whole website that explains why Christians can't be gay. I have a feeling she thinks it's a choice.Mom gets stressed over every little thing, so she would freak out. I don't think I can tell them right now. We moved and the stress is overwhelming everyone.It's a no-win situation for me. As for moving out, that will take a little while. I'm just going into my freshman year of college, and they seem to expect me home during breaks. I'm just afraid of what they'll think of me. They seem to have this double-standard. They can laugh at The Birdcage (a comedy about a gay couple), but they turn away in disgust at a gay kiss on TV. It gets frustrating for me. But I have plenty of support. Every friend I've told was extremely happy and supportive of me.
Don't beat yourself up for being afraid of reactions - that's totally normal. It just means you care about them. And, quite frankly, if they can laugh at The Birdcage, that's a sign for hope! Perhaps coming out to the family as a whole isn't something you can do right now - given the stress from the move - but, I'd like to add that you shouldn't hold back from coming out just to make their lives easier. If you want to wait because you think they'll take the news better at some definite future date, then that's one thing, but waiting because "they can't handle it right now" assumes a lot of knowledge on your part that you, quite frankly, probably don't have about their emotional states. It's entirely possible that if you came out to them they would forget all about the move - my parents kept surprising me with their reactions to things well into my 20s. By "moving out," I just mean "not at home full time" - i.e., when you leave for school. Sure, you'll be back during breaks, but this may almost be a good thing, as it gives you lots of time to interact with parents and family in public forums (family visits for holidays) as well as a few times when you'll probably be able to talk to them. If you play that card right, the visit home can be a nice time to smooth things out, while giving them their own breaks in between. Tell me more about your dad - you seem most comfortable with the idea of telling him. Even if he's hard to get a read on, how do you think the conversation might go?
Well, he doesn't get stressed or upset easily. But other than that, I have no idea how the conversation would go. Like I said, sometimes it's hard to tell what he's going to do. But I know they can't handle it right now. Well, at least my Mom. The littlest thing that goes wrong can and will make her break down. My Dad is still settling in, and there's a lot of stuff that's going wrong. So, yeah, I think they'll handle it better later. But I think you're right that there is some hope. My grandma became good friends with two gays. They're always hanging out together and my family frequently gets invited along. My family doesn't show any disgust towards them, and seems to accept them as people. They seem to have a double standard. Gays are fine, but if they're dating, it's disgusting.
I suspect that telling your parents will change their view on gay people in a positive way. You should start with dad first after he is settled in though if you want to play it safe. Honestly I dont recommend telling them while you are at collage, because things might just get out of control without you there to clear up misunderstandings. I suggest telling them either before you leave or the next time you are visiting during holidays. And don't be afraid, the fact that your parents are lecturing you on tolerance toward gays means that they will likely do the same if you come out! But don't rush into it if you feel you or your parents aren't ready for you to come out yet. Stressed parents = No no :eusa_naug Stressed you = No no no. :eusa_naug Try to map out the conversation and what they might ask/say and prepare some answers/comebacks and you'll do fine! Keep us posted and good luck! :icon_wink
Sorry for not replying sooner. But, I'm not really planning to tell them in the next three weeks. When I come back for holidays, maybe. But I really don't know anymore.
I'm starting to feel so frustrated. I feel like I'm hiding from my family. I want to tell them, but the opportunity never seems to come up!
If you're so worried about colledge there are scholarships for LGBT teens whose parents refuse to help with tuition after their child comes out. In the support section of the site I found this link: Home - Point Foundation you can come out and not be worried about univeristy. But I hope coming out will be as smooth for you as it was for me found under the "Rescorces" tab
That really puts me at ease. I've been really stressed the past few days and I felt like I was going to explode. I almost spilled more than a few times... I think things will get easier once I move away.
