I recently came out to my boyfriend of 5 years, saying the reason why I didn't like having sex with him was because I always fantasize about girls. Im 29 years old and have always thought about being with women, but never consciously realized it might mean Im lesbian. I have recently uncovered some traumatic memories of early childhood sexual abuse. Since I recovered these memories, I have become more aware of what I think my true sexuality is, and I think my real desire is to be with a woman. Being with men has always kind of felt like an obligation. I didn't realize that not ALL women feel this way. I am, however, in love romantically with my boyfriend. I love cuddling him and being close to him, I just don't like sex. Is there any chance I am just "making this up because I want attention, or Im bored or something?" Or is this just my extreme self doubt talking? The voices in my head keep telling me to stop making things up and just fulfill my duty as a faithful girlfriend and "straight woman". I also sometimes doubt myself and think I am making up the sexual abuse as well. I can't understand why I would torture myself with this stuff if it didn't actually happen. What the hell is wrong with me?
I have to actually wake up in a few hours so sadly, this has to be brief if I want to get any sleep. A couple of things I wanted to say: 1. In my experience, the whole 'am I making this up for attention' theory was my denial talking. I'm not saying it's not possible that it could be true, but I went through precisely that same worry. 2. Romantic and sexual attraction are separate. Sounds to me like you could be a biromantic lesbian. Having said that, I cannot dictate what you are and are not. At the end of the day, you identify however you feel comfortable identifying. The key is being honest with yourself. 3. Lastly, I wouldn't worry too much about a label. It's all si fluid, so diverse. Don't stress yourself about it; go with the flow. Oh- and it would be a good idea to let your bf know that you are questioning. Has to be done sooner or later Sorry, can't be of much help when it comes to the abuse. It must be quite stressful for you, so *cyber hugs*, that's the best I can do.. Good luck with everything
This is a common experience for gay and lesbian people who are in long-term straight relationships. The slow realization that some people actually enjoy sex, that they personally are into the opposite sex, worrying because they still love their current partner and don't want to hurt him/her, trying to believe that somehow their feelings towards the same sex don't count. This is all perfectly normal. Ultimately, though, most people in your situation are forced to confront the situation head-on: they are attracted to the same sex, not the opposite. What they do from there depends on the individual. Some decide that they love their partner more than they want to have relationships with the same sex, many decide that they can have a more fulfilling relationship with someone of the same sex, some remain with their partner and pursue same-sex encounters (and sometimes relationships) on the side (this of course requires either cheating or a partner who is open to the idea). What you choose is up to you.
so bi-romantic means being attracted to what exactly? if you find peeps of opposite sex attractive, and enjoy them to hang out with, so become close, but can't have sex with them, it makes it confusing. but what if a person also is transgender! that is what i make complicated. ---------- Post added 19th Jul 2012 at 11:13 PM ---------- so for the OP, if u are remembering a really past experience of abuse, is the person recognizable, are they still around? there could be records of others abused, like if a preschool. if not, maybe good therapist can help figure if it is just a dream or real?
Biromantic, meaning attracted romantically to both genders. Not everyone chooses to take on a label of romantic attraction, but I just wanted to let the OP know there was that choice as an identity. I'm always cautious to use words like choice, before you start throwing things I mean what the OP chooses to identify as
I'm not sure about latent memories - I was raped as a child by my mother's younger brother and I have very clear memories of it. I also have a close female friend who was abused along with her sister by a close friend of their father's, who was a minister. They both have very clear memories of what happened. I'm not saying you weren't abused, just that you need to be more certain before you base the rest of yur life on something that might have been part of a nightmare. I very rarely dream, so when I have one, it sticks. I once had a dream in which I killed someone and buried them in the garden. I moved away and later found out that the new owners were landscaping the garden. In my dream, I was terrified that the body would be discovered. When I woke up, I couldn't really distinguish truth from reality - I really wasn't sure (ridiculous, I know!) I had to wait until I got a Christmas card from the person I thought I'd killed to be absolutely sure that it hadn't happened. Frankly, with dreams like that around, I'm glad I don't remember them very often! Be SURE before you make any decisions. The vast majority of abuse cases involve family friends or family members, not strangers. Ask subtle questions to find out if there were any possibility that it might have happened. I also agree with what has already been said - it is possible to love someone dearly and deeply, even to live with them, without feeling the need to have sex with them. Sex isn't essential for your survival - LOVE is!
@Bobbgooduk I am really not 100 percent about the abuse but have talked it through with a therapist. I already have a bad relationship with the person I think is the perpetrator (my father). He was physically abusive somewhat and, without going into details, EXTREMELY psychologically abusive. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years. I uncovered memories during Vipassana (insight) meditation. The memories are consistent with how traumatic memories from early childhood are formed. I sometimes have doubts still though, and can't figure out why the hell I would be imagining my dad touching me. It kind of makes me feel like I am "sick in the head"....I mean, who wants to imagine a 3 or 4 year old being molested? I don't really have money to fully explore these in therapy, so they are kind of "half out there", which is torturous. I also agree you can have love without sex, and I am very committed to my boyfriend....BUT, you have to remember he has needs as well. He is a straight man, and very attracted to me. He wants way more sex than I do, because in order to stay aroused I have to think about women, which quite frankly is starting to get tiring. I would stay committed to him, but I can't provide him with everything he needs, and that's not fair to him.
