Gay but confused

[Olls91]

Hi , lately i've come to accept i'm gay. I have realised this due to sexual attraction and the fact i have felt completely natural when kissing guys. I do however question this as i still find myself very much emotionally connected to females. When i was in denial I would repress any gay thoughts or feelings and would pursue women i thought i liked. I have also been intimate with women but found kissing had something missing as well as sex. So i'm asking am i gay and having trouble accepting this , or am i something else. Please help i feel i'm in denial.

[Mogget]

It's very common for gay men to feel a romantic attachment to women, especially before and as they are in the process of coming out. This is partly because we've been socialized since birth to think of women as romantic partners and to value feminine traits in our partners. Similarly, women have been socialized to think of men as romantic partners and to value masculine traits in their partners. Breaking free of this socialization is difficult. It's also easier to think you're romantically attracted to someone when you aren't than it is to think you're physically attracted when you aren't.

Further complicating this is the fact that romantic orientation is only somewhat correlated with sexual orientation. Almost everyone is romantically attracted to the sex they're physically attracted to, but many people are also romantically attracted to the sex they aren't physically attracted to.

[Olls91]

Thanks its just nice to get some answers i talk to my friends about it but it drives them mad i suffer from OCD which makes things worse. But yer when i turn to porn it is mostly men and when i have been with guys kissing felt completely natural , amazing even. I dont mind kissing girls but there is not the same wow factor there, as for topless women pictures they do little for me other than they are pretty unless fake ha ha. x

[Olls91]

Hey there i thought i had things sorted , but today i saw women and kept thinking how pretty they were and how much id like a hug. Also female attention excites me i like approval from the fairer sex.

[SFSorrow]

Sounds a lot like me, even though I fantasise exclusively about guys, watch gay porn and enjoy sleeping with guys it's still attractive women I instinctively notice far more when I'm out and about.

Originally Posted by Olls91

Also female attention excites me i like approval from the fairer sex.

^And this too.

[Olls91]

Cheers SFSorrow , i still feel like i should be looking for a girl friend even though i fantasize about men, I to notice women far more but when i notice i like a guy i get a massive pull force and feeling in my gut. So far kissing women has been meh. I enjoy kissing guys far more. But i keep thinking am i really going to miss out on being with a beautiful woman ?

[Wolfgirl90]

I agree with what Mogget said about the conditioning we've received growing up. *nod nod*
Anyway, I wouldn't worry about trying to settle with a 'label ' in order to figure out who you're going to date. For now, maybe you should just leave it at: "If I am romantically attracted to *name*, and I am sexually attracted to *gender here*, I'm going to date this person."
There's really no harm in dating someone as long as you're both physically and emotionally attracted to them . So if a pretty girl comes along, and you find yourself romantically and sexually attracted to her- great! If you find a guy and the same thing occurs, that's awesome too!

Romantic attraction may take a little longer to develop, so don't give up on it too quickly. I mean, you have to have trust there too, and that comes with some time. You'll initially have infatuation of course because he's physically attractive and seems like a nice person, but it'll take a bit to develop intimacy.

Although it's not always the case, girls tend to be more fluid and open with expressing their emotions. ( Someone hit me with a tomato if that's incorrect. )So, you may find that you're capable of developing non-romantic intimacy faster with women than men. Which may lead you to thinking you have a more romantic attraction to women.

Is that possible? I have no idea. Just had the thought and figured I'd share it.

[Olls91]

Cheers Wolf girl that seems to make sense. Its weird because i like guys , i must do to have felt so natural and happy when kissing them. I do find the idea of dating a guy a lil difficult because for a long time i've pursued girls and repressed gay thoughts or feelings. As of yet kissing girls has not compared to guys also with girls so far , well two of them i've only been with two i find i get borred and the intemacy is just not there its just sex for sex sake.

[SFSorrow]

I was talking to a friend about it not long ago and I said I didn't want to start a relationship with a girl only to realise I'm totally gay when I'm 50 or something and regret it all. They pointed out that so long as I wasn't untruthful to her or suppressing myself and did genuinely like the girl at the time is it so different to how anyone, gay or straight, starts a relationship and later decides it isn't working. The difficulty (I think) is if you know all along that you're completely gay and try to ignore it. I hope that I've put that so it makes sense.

So my attitude at the moment is that if I met a girl and liked her I wouldn't immediately dismiss it but that generally it's guys I'm after, and at the moment it's a guy that I'm in a relationship with.

I've also noticed that I have started noticing guys more than I used to so it might just be something that takes time. I've read people's posts on here where they thought they were straight and noticed girls and after they came out to themselves the attraction pretty much disappeared. Hasn't happened with me yet but who knows what will happen in time?

---------- Post added 20th Jul 2012 at 06:39 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Wolfgirl90

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about trying to settle with a 'label ' in order to figure out who you're going to date. For now, maybe you should just leave it at: "If I am romantically attracted to *name*, and I am sexually attracted to *gender here*, I'm going to date this person."
There's really no harm in dating someone as long as you're both physically and emotionally attracted to them . So if a pretty girl comes along, and you find yourself romantically and sexually attracted to her- great! If you find a guy and the same thing occurs, that's awesome too!

^This is pretty much what I was trying to say.

[Olls91]

Yer SFSorrow , i think i need to give myself time , i just like to have the answers right away. Im glad you have met a nice guy .Hope it all goes well for you i have to say acceptance and coming out is a very confusing process for me. x

[SFSorrow]

Originally Posted by Olls91

Yer SFSorrow , i think i need to give myself time , i just like to have the answers right away. Im glad you have met a nice guy .Hope it all goes well for you i have to say acceptance and coming out is a very confusing process for me. x

Thank you, we're still in the early stages at the moment but hopefully it'll go well.

Acceptance and coming out is confusing for a lot of people, that's one thing that this forum is so great for. When I read most sites giving advice they seem to skip over the questioning phase and say something like 'most people figure it out quite quickly' which made me feel even weirder as I hadn't after years of confusion. Hearing about so many other people who were in similar places or who had been and had become comfortable with themselves made me feel less like a freak.

I really hope this place helps you sort things out in your head for you soon

[Olls91]

Yer i to noticed that on other sites i used to think i had HOCD but i found i really enjoyed being with a man in reality so that was out. Most site say something like you know from an early age and i'm like then what is going on with me ??

I hope to hear more from you as to how yah doing with things all the best x

[Wolfgirl90]

Originally Posted by Olls91

Yer i to noticed that on other sites i used to think i had HOCD but i found i really enjoyed being with a man in reality so that was out. Most site say something like you know from an early age and i'm like then what is going on with me ??

I hope to hear more from you as to how yah doing with things all the best x

Yeah. I felt the same way- I saw lots of cases where "I knew since I was 5!" and while that's awesome for them and I think it's grand, it made me less certain about my sexuality. Until I realized that there are people who figure it out a little later.

I first fell in love with my best friend when I was 16. Emotionally I felt things for her that I've never felt before, so powerful that I couldn't ignore them. Sexually speaking...It was like my whole world would just cease to exist when she playfully flirted with me. I felt stunned, like someone had shocked my mind and heart (emotional) with a taser-of-attraction. o_o.......

Now...I'm not saying that's always the case when you meet someone you're emotionally and physically attracted to. It's just that *Name* was just.... .... Let's not go there. I'll end up ranting even more .

What was my point again?( <to self> ) Oh. Right. My point is that I didn't figure this out until later. Even then, I thought that *Name* was just an "exception" and that meant I was bi. I finally started to come to terms when my sexuality last year, and I was 21 at that time.

Looking back into my childhood I can see a few "signs" of the fact that I was gay, but nothing overwhelming enough for me to be like: Dear self...By the way... =D No. For me, the "hints" were so subtle I didn't notice until the last few years.

[Olls91]

Yer i find it very confusing , i see girls i like but when it comes down to it things have gone alot better with guys i'm mean kissing guys feels natural. When kissing girls it was nice but i kept thinking something is missing. I'm still very confused i see women out i like the look of i just fear that if i tried to pursue one the same thing of oh i actually like men might surface i'm just all over the place. x