34 and coming out- my story

I came out to a close friend on 9th June. Her response was amazing. I knew that she was a pretty safe bet and our friendship is only stronger because of my truth. This friend is in my day to day life and I have met her since moving overseas last summer.

I am home for two weeks now. Because my time to spend with family and friends is now limited bacause of where I live, it means that my coming out is a little dictated by this. Last night I managed to tell two of my closest friends from university. These friends, a couple, go back through all the time I was with my ex. We were all very close, have been through lots of ups and downs and they are still very much in touch with my ex.

They know how depressed I have been and about all of the other issues I 'm currently trying to work through but me being gay surprised them. It was incredibly uncomfortable and difficult. I wonder if it was the right thing to do because I am exposing myself so much when already in quite a vulnerable place. But I'm pretty determined to get on with my life and am so sick and tired of being alone with all I am facing. I talked for about an hour and then showed them a letter I had written. And then we talked for another hour and a half. It is okay. They are okay! I'm breathing easier and I now have two more people that Yi can be completely honest with.

This morning I feel exhausted and a little scared about having come out to them. But I I'm pretty sure that once it has sunk I will feel
The relief. So, many more to come but a massive step for me.

 

Re: 34 and coming out- my strory

Thank you Sydneyguy, I'm hoping to add more to this thread as time passes

 

Re: 34 and coming out- my strory

Thank you Karl and Jim!

Karl- I agree that coming out to old friends seems much harder. Well done to you for continuing to share the whole you with your friends. Later in my trip, I returned to the friends I came out to at the start of this thread. Really, I am so happy they know. We went out to dinner and I actually felt a little bit of joy that I was able to be my whole self and that it really is okay.

I'm back now after an exhausting trip home. After a year I am now learning what is really tough about living overseas. Keeping up with the people I love is hard, especially my family who, quite frankly, sap my energy at the moment. Probably part of this is because I have to hide so much of me from them. But it is also because I still bear tremendous pain from my parents' warring and ultimate divorce in my teens. I just did not appreciate how much I was affected by it. It seems ridiculous because I am now 34, but it is real and I am finally allowing the pain to surface because I absolutely want recovery from it. Coming out to my parents seems impossible at the moment because I feel too much pain, and also anger towards my mother particularly. That I am hiding from her, but she must know because my distance will speak the truth.

After eight really tough days in the company of my family I now know that more than ever I am on the right path. All around me I see people who, like I have done all my life, hide behind their problems. I want to be different. I want to live honestly and freely...

I was able to be relatively open with an Aunt about my journey towards recovery and a happier life, disclosing that I am having therapy. She was honest about her struggle with a drink problem and I very much got the impression that she wished she had the courage to have therapy herself. I was able to confide in her about some of my feelings regarding my Mum, her sister, and I was pleased to be able to have this connection with her.

My Mum's other sister I also saw on my trip... I am quite close to her but I was really disappointed by a comment she made in a discussion about a book with two female protagonists- "They're not lesbians, are they?" with a mildly disgusted tone.

Overall, the only way to deal with my family was to retreat into my known world of emotional numbness, or shut-down. In my Mum's family, people are too good at hurting each other and there is a lot of unhealthy control issues as people cope with addictions and co-dependency. For me, managing coming out alongside a lifetime of stuffed emotions is much harder than climbing a mountain. I know I have made tremendous progress in coming out to myself and to three friends but I have got such a long journey ahead of me.

At the moment I am still painfully uncomfortable talking about being gay. I'm about to order some books to help me on my journey. I'd love to know if people have favourite books on learning to accept oneself and on coming out?

That's all for now. I wish you all well!

 

I want to say things are getting better... slowly!

Last week I came out to another friend. This time I managed it face to face and I did not cry. I am able to talk about being gay in a positive light. Hallelujah.

For all those of you who have known that being gay is not a bad thing for a long time it must be tiring to read about those of us who are so ashamed and carry internal homophobia. I wish I didn't but I accept where I am and I'm trying to work through it. That I do by talking and sharing with my therapist, my friends and of course, here. My shame and pain is very much present but my coming out event last week shows that I am now able to separate the pain that exists as a result of the struggle and denial from telling people that I am gay.

I totally recognise that in order to move forward I have to become more okay with being gay than I am now. I absolutely know it is okay to be gay, I just don't always feel it. That is the difference.

As an aside, telling some of my straight friends has brought some unexpected results- both of them are totally up for exploring gay bars with me and I also found out that a mutual friend was in a same sex relationship for 5 years. I didn't know. She now has a boyfriend but knowing this about her makes me feel less alone.