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College - How/When to Come Out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SunSparks, Jul 19, 2012.

  1. SunSparks

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    Ok, so, in just about a month, I will be going to university... I've been waiting for this opportunity for years upon years. I'm moving thousands of miles away from my parents - from whom I must hide this...for now - and I have a few concerns.

    Some background on my university - the LGBTQ community does exist and is mostly accepted. Its definitely one of the most accepting universities and it was one of the first to come out with a LGBTQ Resource Center. Now with the concerns...

    1- Just one of the reasons I chose the college was that I thought there would be no 'relatives' in the area. In my culture, a relative is like a superextended family reaching out to the depths of the family tree... and somehow, my parents were able to "find" a relative family living in the town... even worse, one of them works in my specific college with a considerable position. I know that this is still one of the only places I could have gone to with a low amount of relatives since they live EVERYWHERE! And, in my culture, things spread FAST. There are no secrets. If any person was to find something out about a person, rumors spread like a wildfire... within a week, I would say at least 40-50 people would know about it. I know it sounds like I am exaggerating, but I am being serious. I don't want to hide myself but there is a large possibility that I will see this person quite a few times. How do I avoid seeing this person and having them find out about my sexuality without hiding my true self? I think I should be able to handle it with some quick actions but does anyone have a better idea? Also, there are a number of people coming from my high school to my college (like 5). Another reason I picked my college is because of less people connected to where my parents live... how do I avoid them knowing and telling my home community?

    2- I've been thinking this for a while... actually, longer than a while... when I get there, I don't want to pretend to be someone else. I want to finally drop the cloak and show my true self. However, its my first year at uni and I definitely will need some time to adjust. I don't just want to dive in two different scenarios at the same time - adjusting to college and being me - but at the same time, I dont want to create a false perception of who I am. How would you go about this? The way I see this playing out is that for the first couple of weeks, as I adjust to the new life, I can be just like I have always been - not really acting to be straight, but just a sort of toned down version of me. Then, as things go on, I can slowly start showing my feathers. Any tips or advice on making this work?

    3- Now... the big one. Actually coming out and telling someone I am gay... obviously, there is a lot of nervous energy the builds up before the act of actually telling someone. I am not going to force myself to do it unless I know that I am ready, but I've heard of quite a few horror stories of a blabber mouth spreading it all across campus. With the relative working on campus - that can't happen. How can I avoid that? I just took that Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and its still in my head - it said that I can be very trusting of people and can't really detect when others are like plotting against me and I know its absolutely true about me ever since I was young (you'd think I'd have learnt by now). How would I avoid such situations? Also, what if the question comes up and I'm not ready to come out... how would I get out of answering it without completely knocking out of the picture. I definitely don't want to say that I'm bi because I'm not, I have too much respect for those who are to use it as an excuse, and its simply a lie... how would you get out of a situation like that? (I'm not really good with thinking about these things on the spot so I am preparing)

    4- Dorms... :***: Ok, so my dorms are set up like suites... every floor has a few suits, each suite is the same gender but floors are mixed. Between 7 guys, there is one bathroom (1 shower, 1 toilet, 2 sinks) [1 bathroom per suite). Luckily, I was able to get a single room because I really don't want to make other uncomfortable, Im more comfy with one - plus singles are very common at my college, so its nothing too odd. I'm not the type to make people uncomfortable but does anyone have any tips of dorm life and things like dorm bathrooms, etc? I do wake up a little earlier than most people (I love watching the sun rise every morning) so luckily I have that advantage in getting in and out before anyone else is there (hopefully) but I do spend quite a lot of time in the bathroom because I go through a pretty long routine... gotta look my best, you know xD... anyways, I also dont want it to be like high school where most days I sleep for 3 hours and have to get up at like 2 AM. (In hischool, It was mostly to get the rest of my work done, but for college it would be to avoid people) Any tips on making the others feel comfortable? I'm obviously not going to try to make them uncomfortable but you know, straight ppl can become pretty scared when it comes to this stuff... Just worried.... like always

    5- Anything else??? Any tips/advise about college life and dealing with coming out, etc. would be wonderful. Of course I've been looking at some of the other posts about this, I was just wondering if there was anything anyone really wanted to tell me :slight_smile:

    BTW, the reason is that coming out to my parents is horrible is evident in so many ways. My entire family would like attack me... my parents would probably beat me and drive me out of the house (they had no trouble doing it before)... my cousins are homophobic. My mother wont even allow anyone to use the word "gay" in the house. Even one of my cousins that I am pretty close to one day asked me if I was wearing eyeliner (I really wasn't), and I said no, and she said "good, because if you were, I would have kicked you so hard..." Also, in my culture, EVERYONE gets married... its sorta expected that by the time your 22 or so your looking for a partner and should be married before 25 yrs and by 30, should have had multiple children... and if you cant find someone for yourself, there are plenty of people just like you that need to find someone. Like i'm 17 and I already had several MOM's essentially call dibs on me marrying their daughters (im not even joking). No one in my superextended family or even generally in my culture ever deviated from the norm... having "reliable" jobs, same marriage ages, same lifestyle, and even the same colleges... the sameness is based off of traditions long established, hundreds of years ago... to be the ONE person who challenges EVERY single aspect of that, which I truly do, I absolutely have NO doubt that there will be no acceptance because they are all too ignorant and want to live in the same, safe cycle of life and traditions that they have lived by. I plan on sorta just leaving their life (my family's)... supporting them with money, as they will need it. That is why it is so critical that I am careful.

    I truly appreciate your help. I know that this is a long passage to read and my writing skills aren't quite as great as they should be, so I am grateful.

    Thank you!
    SunSparks
     
  2. LaplaceScramble

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    1) Before I came out, I was paranoid that if I told even one person, EVERYONE would know. For the reasons you've said, your situation is very different from mine. However, depending on the people you come out TO (get to know them first, obviously to make sure where they stand on the subject matter) the result will vary. You don't want the news getting back to your parents/home town, at least until you're ready, which is understandable. So, assuming the people you tell aren't all about gossip, then it's highly likely that after coming out, no one will know unless you tell them. Especially in a place that where the LGBTQ is accepted, so it won't be big news. It'll be the same as if you said you got a crush on someone. Your friends will know, but they won't tell.

    2) As far as not wanting to hide yourself, unless you fit the flamboyant stereotypical gay stereotype (nothing wrong with that, I have a couple friends who are) then chances are many people will not realize. They may suspect, but like you said, it's your first year, so they won't be able to compare your actions to anything else. As far as your disconnected family member, the same applies to him/her, since I doubt he would know how you act.

    3) Back to answer 1). Just be careful of who you tell. Something to think about again. They don't think you're straight. So since they have no preconception as to what your orientation is, you don't have to tell anyone. Do you think a heterosexual person would go up to their friends and say they are straight? I'm not meaning this to sound rude, just pointing it out. Since the biggest problem you have (for this question) seems to be how to avoid a situation where you are directly asked, you could always reply with an ambiguous, "does it matter?" Honestly though, that really depends on the context of each conversation.

    4) Dorm life is very dependent on your suite mates. So it's kind of hard to give a very helpful answer as you don't know what kinds of people they will be. Before you worry about having to sneak around them, simply try and find out what kind of people they are. If you want to, as you said earlier, tone yourself down, then that wouldn't be a bad idea (everybody does it when they start living with new people). [Sorry I can't give anything more on this]

    It's not much compared with all you're asking, but hopefully some of this will help you out!
     
  3. castle walls

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    I want to start by saying that I think a lot of your ideas are on the right track. I get what you mean about having family in a lot of places and how quick information can spread. I know how difficult it is to be in a family and culture that stresses the importance of being and behaving in a certain way and is cruel to those that are different. I'm claiming to know exactly how you feel but I have some problems that I think are similar to yours

    If I were you, I would give yourself some time to adjust to college first and see how the college flows. Going to college, especially if you're moving to a new area, can be difficult at first and it may be best to give yourself time to adjust to the new area and the demands of college life. You would also have time to check out LGBT resources in the area if that is something you would like to do. Also, if you're comfortable in the college it may make you a bit more comfortable to come out since you'll probably have a better idea of who to trust and so on.

    I think that a lot of people "tone themselves down" when they first meet people but you do not have to do this if you do not want to. I'm not saying that you should pretend to be anyone else, but I would move slowly in the beginning to find out who you can and cannot trust.

    Finding out who you can and cannot trust is key for your situation. Due to that, I highly recommend that you move slowly. That being said, you want to be cautious but not paranoid. In college, gossip is usually less of an issue than it is in high school (if you stay away from gossips and it is usually quickly obvious who they are). If no one knows that you and your relative are related, that may work to your advantage but I do not know if it is possible for you to keep that a secret.

    As for the dorm situation, that depends on a few different factors. The quality of your RA/whatever your school may call them, your roommates, your behavior, etc. Just remember, if your RA is terrible you can go over their head to try to get an issue resolved and, as long as your behavior is respectful to your roommates, you should be fine. The horror stories you hear are pretty rare

    Good luck! Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help
     
  4. Aielar

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    Since you described your parents/other family as strongly homophobic, it'd likely be best to wait until you go off to University before sharing that information with them. There's no point in making things unpleasant for you, or for them, while you are still living there.

    As for dealing with suite mates, I'd say get to know them first. Generally, if you come out to someone and act like it's no big deal (ie; you aren't going to ogle them just because you're gay) then people will usually follow your lead about it. Also, if you did come out at college and received a negative reaction (such as homophobia/violence/threats) then you can always go up the ladder and bring the problem to someone who can resolve the problem.

    Of course, having said that, I've noticed that generally the younger someone is the more accepting they are of lgbtq - and usually it's 19 - 24 year olds in dorms. So chances are if you do come out to your suite mates, it'll go well :slight_smile: Best of luck!
     
  5. BradThePug

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    I can help with the college bit. There are so many people at a college that it is hard to keep track of one person. Because of this, I think that it would be really hard for your relative to keep track of you.

    College is a much more accepting place. I was never out in high school. I came out in college. I decided that when I moved in, I would not hide who I was. I didn't really start telling people that I was bi (this was before I knew I was gay) until the second week of school. Also, if one of your roommates does turn out to be homophobic, you can either move out of the room or you could ask the he be moved out of the room.

    I would also wait to tell your parents. You don't want to make things any harder on yourself before you go to college.
     
  6. SunSparks

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    Cogged Wings: Its not that I'm flamboyant, I'm rather reserved and only on few occasions, I can get loud and excited. The problem is that, see, I really appreciate aesthetic drama. Sometimes, when I think the day is just going to be super fun, I put on some makeup - not like eye shadow and colors - but like foundation, some bronzer, contour, highlights, eyeliner... more like face defining makeup. Obviously, most people would say "wow,this guy is wearing makeup, he must be gay" Thats why I asked it...
    -------------------
    Wow, thank you all for your advice... there are a lot of really great points which I never thought about which I've written down some notes on and I have a much better understanding of what I plan on doing. Also, thanks for reaffirming about coming out to my parents. For some reason the word "cautious" never crossed my mind but its absolutely a great way to describe how I should go about this. Also, the advice to "act like it's no big deal" - I never quite imagined coming out in a conversation where that would be appropriate but looking at it, it probably would be much better that I do. Also thanks for calming me down about the relative thing- you are completely right, cat.

    I would also like to add, I'm not really used to asking for help...for the most part I just struggle with what gets thrown at me, so what you have done is really really appreciated. I don't know how to correctly express how much you have helped me.

    I would also like to add another question... in college, I plan on joining like a research/engineering project and will probably be engaged in it for all four years. The project is headed by a professor... obviously, only if the professor wasn't homophobic, and after the few years, as I work my self up the team ladder, would it be appropriate to come out to the professor? I can't really come up with a reason why I would need to but if there was one, how would you come out to him/her?
     
  7. LaplaceScramble

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    Ooooooh...well that being the case, people will probably think that, simply because that's what people think when they see a man wearing make-up. But that's only is it's noticeable. Like I said before, most of those people won't know you or what you look like, etc. So if the (amount of) make-up you put on isn't very noticeable...well I'm not experienced with make-up so I'm not really sure how that works, sorry :/

    Coming out the the professor. I guess that'd be that same as coming out to anyone else. Like with what I said in my previous post, do you really need to come out? It's not so much that you need to say that you are gay, it's that you shouldn't tell people or let them believe you are straight.
     
  8. runallday4

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    Wow, you sound a lot like me, only one year ahead. A problem I've been struggling with for a long time is that I always over think things.

    1) How big is your college? How well do you know this relative? Do they have a job where you'll be forced to interact with them?
    Even if your school was extremely small, I doubt your relative will be able to know what's going on in your social life. They have a life of their own to think about. On top of that, adults usually are unaware of the whole "social scene" at colleges. Lastly, your college is probably big enough that you'll be able to blend in fairly well and go completely unnoticed if you want to. It's not like you're broadcasting that you're gay. People will know but that won't go around telling everyone.

    2) I actually have pretty much the same plan as you. To come out at University and not tell anyone from my hometown. The only difference is I plan on telling a few close friends before I go just so the first people I tell aren't strangers, and so that my "coming out" story is a good one :slight_smile: I wouldn't arrive at college and tell them though. I think a good idea would be to wait till maybe the second or third night. Since your all suite mates I imagine that some nights you'll all just being hanging around your suite talking or whatever. You can bring it up casually then, and just pretend like it's not a big deal. Hopefully they'll react the same way.

    3) This isn't high school. People simply won't care enough and it won't be a rumor going around since they'll be plenty of gay people. Also, you're relative probably won't be in the social scene either way. I can't imagine a situation in which a random college student happened to hear that you're gay and then decided to gossip with a faculty member. That just wouldn't happen.

    4) Obviously just don't stare at them or do anything creepy. If you do this you'll be fine. They might be nervous at first, but there are many people living with a gay roommate, this won't be the first time it's happened.

    I'm the type of person who gets very anxious about situations like this, and it sounds like you're pretty similar. Just try to remember that while you're homosexuality may be a big deal to you (and maybe your family), to a lot of other people it won't be very important.

    In terms of your project leader or whatever, I don't think you necessarily need to "come out" as in sitting down and having a talk with them about it. Just be open about it from the beginning. Maybe say things like "I have to go meet my boyfriend" or "I'm have to go, I'm going to a GSA meeting", or subtle things like that. I don't think you'll need to worry about him though. From my experience most college professors are pretty liberal and understandings AND Science/Engineering teachers don't tend to be the religious type so it shouldn't be an issue for them.

    Other advice: Join the college GSA or whatever the LGBTQ group is, they should be really accepting/helpful/supportive.

    If you just want to talk or anything you can send me a message. I think I'm in a fairly similar situation and I also think we think in a similar way, so really, send me a message if you need to talk or anything.

    Good Luck, College should be fun :slight_smile:
     
  9. SunSparks

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    Oh... for some reason I forgot to read your post runallday.... I looked at it when I was running late so I didn't read it... OK:

    1) My college is pretty big so I think I should be fine then... I haven't ever met this relative and their job is more in the internals of the college so I won't be seeing them except like once or twice a year

    2) See, my best friend is a little conservative and I don't think I will see him again because he is staying in California because he didn't really get into any good colleges, although I think he should have and so do a lot of others...same with my second best friend but she wanted to stay in CA... my third and fourth are actually going with me to the same college in NY so they will know soon...

    3) I forgot to mention I also had a relative who is a student >.< then again, I've never met her and she has never seen me so I guess if we never meet, should be fine xD

    4) Lol, I love this: "I have to go, I'm going to a GSA meeting" I am definitely going to use this idea. And I do plan on joining the GSA and being involved in the LGBT center they have there. I don't even know what I was thinking about the professor thing...anyways, the main reason I posted this was just to say thanks! Really helpful information... only two weeks away! I really want to get there!