I have realized that although I am fine with being gay, it is a little tiring when I "look" gay all the time. I am trying to move away from stereotyping and categorizing what gay is supposed to look like, but unfortunately that is what people do to me and I am sure for many gay people who are visible as being gay. I am outside of the gender binary, and I can only assume people either guess, know or wonder about my orientation when they meet me. Most people will not care, some will love it and there are the few who will hate it. This isn’t unexpected, new or ever gonna change for me… and I accept that. I am in a new environment, and I am trying to get out more and meet new people and get involved. So far that has been happening, but each time I have to go to a new place or meet new people, I almost have to basically force myself out the doors of my room despite the almost panic attack I get. I notice myself being hyper aware of the people around me, even just on the streets and especially gendered spaces like bathrooms, even if they don’t actually do anything to me. I know it’s not good for me to exclude myself from having a normal social life just because I’m nervous about how people might react to me. I’m supposed to be able to ignore it and not let it get to me. My friends tell me that they are impressed and that I look like I am dealing with it well. But, inside I notice every stare, every “don’t look too long it’s rude” look, the change in body language and the rare comments I get. Sometimes I get so stressed, depressed and just exhausted from having to be “alright” about it and be strong and proud. I basically just keep thinking myself that “they don’t know any better so whatever”, “they are looking cause they think I’m cute”, “ I know I am super awesome” and “F*** you” in the back of my head. Sometimes I want to just hid and shrink in shame and other times I want to blow up in their faces. Now I don’t even know if this is a rant or asking for advice. . . Is it even rational to be so aware of the people around me and feel the need to protect myself when most people won’t do anything other than “wonder” or be rude? Are there steps or techniques I can do when I am about to meet new people or new situations so that I don’t feel almost crippled with anxiety, and find myself having to forcefully eject myself from my room. Or ways to somehow recharge my energy to face the stress again the next day. Cheers
Do you have people to talk to about this? From what you've said, it doesn't seem like you talk to your friends about these worries. I sometimes find that talking about your worries with people helps alleviate some of the stress and might give you confidence, especially if they are supportive. If I'm not mistaken, you've only recently come out right? So it might take you some time to get used to being in your own skin as well as getting used to people's reactions. I don't think it's irrational to be wary of people's reactions since it is a reality that a lot of people outside the gender binary do face harrassment or discrimination. However, if you're thinking about it all the time and the anxiety is becoming too much, then that becomes a problem. I think it would be helpful if you could find some sort of trans/genderqueer group where you can talk about your anxieties and meet people going through the same problems. I think they might be able to give you some tips and plus, making new friends is always a good thing Hope that helped!
I guess it's more of a rant and me complaining more than anything else. Don't really want to burden them with it becuase there isn't really anything they can do other than assure me that I shouldn't let it bother me and that I would eventually get used to it. I've been going with the "fake it until you make it" approach. It just gets tiring after a little while.... and then I get into this stubborn mood where I hate how this is even happening ... then it makes me want to hit something (not anyone yet). Actually after I made the post I went searching online for some stuff, and I came accross some social anxiety stuff. It isn't targeted towards lgbt, just for people who feel stressed in certain social situations. I like some of the stuff they suggest - identify the source of anxiety - take a deep breath - challenge negative thoughts / positive affirmations - fake it - face your fears Yea I've been thinking of going to a genderqueer/trans/ftm group. That's not until next month. ps. on a more pleasant note: I got extra food from a lady who thought I was a "young man" and needed to eat more
Basically, it's when no one quite believes you're straight, whatever you say... Reasons vary. Ok, mine is sort of clear plastic, rather than glass, but I know what you mean. The truth is, we, humans, are all almost without exception, too full of ourselves and our imaginary "respectable society" to notice that other people aren't at all like that "respectable society," they're like us. Not necessarily gay, but with enough skeletons of their own for a lifetime of worry.
