So, I am still pretty confused about gender related things, although I am pretty solid in my sexuality. I am biologically female, but I hate being forced to wear dresses and things, I like to have my hair short, and I just...I don't know. I don't like being a girl. It's hard to put into words, exactly. So for a while, I identified as FtM. But then I started thinking that I do like wearing dresses sometimes, and wearing pretty clothes. So I identified as agender, but my PGP are still he/him, and I've made that clear to my friends. The problem is, my mother forces me to wear dresses and act "more girly" all the time, so people had a pretty hard time believing me when I originally identified as male. Now they really just think I did it for attention since I started wearing "girl clothes" of my own free will occasionally. I am only out to my friends that I trust, but only three of them call me by my name. Everyone else that I've come out to is refusing to call me anything other than my birth name. I understand it's difficult to get out of the habit of calling someone something, but I keep correcting them and they just won't do it. I feel like no one is respecting my gender preference and it makes me really uncomfortable when people continue to refer to me as a female when I've asked them not to. It just makes me feel like they think I'm doing all of this for attention, and I'm not. I just want to feel like myself, but everyone around me is making it very difficult. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I'm sorry if this was confusing; it was difficult to put into words exactly.
Pardon my lack of experience being out to people, but I think the best way forward is just to go forward. Go on being you- wear what you like (when you can), call yourself by your name, and don't let people tell you who you are. Instead, keep reminding them who you are. I suppose it can be exhausting when people refuse to acknowledge who you are, but relenting would just "prove" to them that you're "doing it for attention." Keep in mind that it can be confusing for them to change how they refer to you (and some people won't even try to change), so correct and forgive those who mistakenly call you a girl, and correct and try to ignore those who don't respect you.
Although I don't know what you are going through from first hand experience, I think I understand it (if that makes any sense). Because the vast majority of us at EC have encountered, discussed, thought about, etc. anything pertaining to the human sexual condition, we can definitely offer advice better than those in the "normal" and "straight" world. At the very least we can be an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I understand that human sexuality, orientation, and gender identification do not exist in a black and white world but rather on a spectrum. I also know the feeling of not being able to put how you feel and who you are into words. I've also been grappling with that with my parents. Do remember though that labels are something created by society, and as such describe what is most common. But we are not the most common, and the "mainstream" don't understand that yet. So at this point the intrinsically important thing is that you know who you are, even if you haven't yet found the words to express it. I know it sounds so cliche, but how you see yourself is by far the most important thing. You said in your post "I just want to feel like myself, but everyone around me is making it very difficult." There is no reason that they should have that power over you. Think about it; why should what others say or think affect who you are as a person? It sounds extremely hard to continue to correct people, to "come out" to them and explain who you know you are, but you have to do it. That is the only way that they will get it through their thick skulls that that is who you are. Just remember that you know who you are, even if you have trouble expressing it at this point. And we will always be here for support as you continue your journey. PLEASE feel free to PM me if you want to talk, and I mean that. Nick
