is it ok if I'm not ok yet?

First of all, (*hug*)

Second of all, you aren't losing your faith at all, you're allowing others & society to make you feel like you dont deserve it. don't let them take away something like that that is so important to you. The relationship between God & you is just that - between the two of you. No one else gets to say how that relationship goes, any more than they have any business telling you who you can love or who you can marry. And your concerns about who you are not fitting with your religion shouldn't be something to worry about, because your faith & your religion are yours, they fit into your life the way you choose to have them fit, again, not the way others try to dictate to you how they should fit. Anyone who claims that you pick & choose what parts of faith you subscribe to or that you are 'one of those kinds of Christians' is just as guilty themselves of doing the exact same thing, since Jesus said 'Love one another as I have loved you' & those people who accuse you of choosing what parts of faith you follow are themselves choosing to ignore parts of their own religion because its inconvienent. It has nothing to do with their religious beliefs why they say these things or believe things, it is simply their own discomfort & possible confusion & fear to face themselves & their own feelings towards their own sexuality that causes them to hide behind religion as a way to deal or makes sense of how they feel. Many people find it much easier to allow someone else to tell them what is right & wrong that to decide for themselves. This is why I think you are such a courageous person, because you've made your decision based on how you feel, not what others have told you.

And as for not being OK, it is OK to not be OK. Sometimes all of us have times in our lives where we aren't OK. God knows Im having lots of those times these days. I have thoughts that scare the hell out of me sometimes, but I rely on my friends to get me through. Im sure you have people that truly care about you, so when you have times when you're not OK, those are the times to call them up or email them or whatever & let them carry you. And prayer is always a good way to help as well. Remember the whole thing about the footsteps on the beach & how those are times when Jesus carried you? Prayer is a good thing, rely on it as well!

You said you are in school now for PSW, it sounds to me like as long as you are busy during the week, you have things to occupy your mind from all of this, but when the weekend hits, you have a harder time confronting those feelings. Understandable, I go thru the same thing too. My advice there is try not to let things build up over the course of the week, it makes everything sort of boil over emotionally when the weekend hits, which is why it may feel like things are crashing down on you all at once. Take a bit of time each day, even if only 5 min, to confront your feelings, even if its while youre brushing your teeth or getting ready to go to class, you can work it into your routine. It may help a bit.

Anyway, hope some of this made at least a little bit of sense. You also said youre going to Pride next weekend? My guess is you will probably meet LOTS of people you can talk with, so dont be afraid or shy to talk with them about how you feel too! It may just help a bit! (*hug*)

 

It is definitely okay to not be okay yet (*hug*)

I know it might seem like we have to keep up appearances that you are awesome inside when you are not, but by doing so you are hindering yourself and your own progress. There is no such thing as a perfect life and all of us will always have bad and good days. Don't try to never have bad days though, because that's impossible. Just aim to have as little as possible and to surrounded yourself with people who will support you and cheer you up when you do have your bad days.

It seems from your post that the main thing that you are dealing with is that your church doesn't approve of homosexuality. Have you thought about going to a church that is similar to yours but doesn't care about sexual orientation? There is a good website to find some LGBT friendly churches around your area if you want to give it a try.

And I know you say you aren't strong, but heck do I think you are mistaken. Not everyone is able to cope with the things you have lived with and not everyone is able to give it a try. Yes, your life might not be where you want it to be just yet, but it took a lot of courage and strength on your part to get where you are right now. Don't sell yourself short

 

(*hug*) It's perfectly okay if you're not okay yet. These things take time, as cliché as that is.

Some people can reconcile their orientation with their faith. Others can't, and either end up going to a different faith or leaving faith entirely. As someone without religion, I cannot speak to the first option. I will let others give you input on that. If you're considering either of the other paths, I can provide some advice.

The blog Permission to Live is written by a young mother who grew up in the Christian Patriarchy movement but has since left it. Her situation isn't all that similar to yours, but she does have some very good posts about redefining her faith and coming to terms with herself as a lesbian married to a trans* woman. There might be something that is of use to you.

It might also be worth looking into Unitarian Universalism. It's a bit of a strange religion, one which says that it's okay to question and to be uncertain. Indeed, that appears to be among it's only creeds, alongside affirming the dignity and worth of every human being and the value of nature. They are very accepting of LGBTQ people. Even if you do remain Catholic (and it is perfectly acceptable in UUism to belong to another religion - or none at all - and go to one of their churches), there might be someone at the local church who can help you work through your questions and concerns regarding your faith.

Also, don't worry about becoming a PSW. I would argue that going through this would actually make you better at providing people with emotional support, since it equips you with valuable emotional skills and experience which you can pass on to others, as well as making it easier to sympathize with others.

Lastly, don't feel guilty about leaving Courage, and don't force yourself to be straight. The head or former head of Exodus recently came out and said that you cannot "cure" being gay. He had gone through the program and was one of the major "ex-gay" figures, and even he still felt same sex attraction. Regardless of whether orientation can change or not, it appears that we cannot choose who we are attracted to.

 

does this make you feel any better:

 

Just to add a couple more thoughts - yeah, it's okay to still be struggling. The truth is you're probably much stronger than you know.

Also, if Unitarians aren't up your alley, are there any Episcopal/Anglican churches there? I think the branch in the states is the one that may be more friendly to lgbt people, but it might be worth checking out. The pope even declared Anglicans to be in communion with the Catholic church recently, if I'm not remembering totally wrong. Also, there are some non-denominational Catholic churches out there that may be close to what you're looking for. They tend to follow the catholic liturgy but not the social politics.

Don't give up! You will figure it out. There are large groups of Christians of all stripes who will be friendly with you - as the billboard ameliawesome posted suggests.

 

Yes, it's okay and I'm so sorry you're hurting and having trouble with your faith and being a lesbian. I am not a religious person at all and people often pass judgment when I tell them that I'm agnostic. I kinda lost faith during my questioning phase. I tried to pray the gay away and it did not work, I'm obviously suppose to be gay, otherwise God would've had other plans for me. I was born gay, but thanks to society and being shy, I was afraid to be myself. I have kids, yes, the traditional way but this was during the time when I was having a hard time accepting myself. I just couldn't do it and I was very open about it.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you're killing yourself slowly...stress is not good at all. I used to be so sick because I was in major denial. It really took a toll on my health, I actually suffer from insomnia now, which is terrible btw. You can be religious and gay, perhaps some beliefs contradict your feelings, but it's up to you, only you know what makes you happy. Don't allow religion to dictate your life, you can still have kids, don't worry, plus there's no rush for all that. I understand how you feel about the wedding, but you can still get married, not traditionally, but it'll be okay.

 

I'm really sorry that you feel this way (*hug*)

We do have a couple of members who are very much catholic and who are very much gay as well. There is no reason why you must choose between one or another.

And the big wedding at a church with everything you have dreamed of? Yes, you can get that, too. Maybe not at your current church, but more and more churches out there are being supportive of all kinds of love. There are also small catholic churches that aren't under the Vatican, but are very supportive of LGBT people. What I'm trying to say is that you are not alone by far!

You just need to surround yourself with supportive people. And that includes a new church with people who understand that being gay is not a sin.