My story

Hi,

I don't really know what I hope to acheive by posting this. I think maybe I just need to tell someone. I'm so far in the closet even Ikea don't have one big enough. I'm barely even out to myself. I'm just sort of typing what comes into my head right now so apologies in advance for the inevitable rambling.

where to start... I'm 31, and I'm pretty much a loner. Don't get me wring, I'm not a complete hermit - I have a few close friends, and a decent job. But I was bullied pretty badly at school, and a crappy home life too, and as a result I find it really hard to open up to people. Or rather I find it hard to trust them. To make matters worse, I'm overweight (not huge I hasten to add), and I have psoriasis. So I'm not exactly full of self confidence. Where am I going with this...

The last couple of months, I've gradually realised that I'm gay. I suppose I've always known - maybe I've just suppressed it. The more I think about it, the more I remember little things when I was a kid. Like playing 'kisschase' in junior school - I'd be chasing the boys as much as - if not more than girls. The few girls I made friends with were tomboy types. That sort of thing.

My parents split up when I was 15. It wasn't exactly pretty. They'd never really shown me much love anyway, but after they split it was as though I was more than an inconvenience. Coupled with the bullying I was going through at school by this point, I pretty much withdrew into my own world, which is pretty much where I stay.

I've only ever had one serious relationship. Hell, I've only ever even kissed one girl. I met her when I was 19. We were both misfits I suppose, and we sort of got pushed together. We had plenty of stuff in common - music etc, and she'd gone through her fair share of bullying too so we kind of clicked, and it developed into a sexual relationship. The daft thing is, and I don't think I realised until later, sex with her never felt quite right. I won't say it wasn't fun, just that something seemed to be missing. After three years or so it kind of fizzled out, and we broke up. I've not been with anyone since.

I'm pretty shy, so I'm not good at meeting people. Maybe I'm destined to always be single. I hope not.

For the last couple of years, I've noticed that, while I can appreciate looking at a good looking woman in the street, I realised they weren't really doing anything for me. If that makes sense. Considering what forum this is I suppose it does make sense. I gradually realised that I was checking out guys as well. And to make it worse, I was enjoying looking at them than the girls.

Eight months ago I attempted suicide. I had enough pills to kill me and half the city. I managed to take four, before I spewed up. As far as I was concerned, I was a complete f***up, I couldn't even manage that. So I threw myself into work - I was doing 70 hour weeks every week for about five months. It took my mind off everything. The daft thing is, I work at a railway station - I could have ended it all pretty damn quickly if I really wanted to. i guess subconsciously maybe I didn't want to die.

The upside of all that overtime is I managed to get myself out of debt for the most part. I started to almost enjoy my life, for pretty much the first time since leaving junior school 20-odd years ago. I travelled a lot - I've always enjoyed travelling, and The spare cash I now had meant I could do it a bit more.

The trouble with travelling, especially alone, is it leaves you with a lot of time with nothing much to do exceot for look at the scenery, and think. Whatever anyone says, thinking isn't always good for you. About a month ago I was travelling alone in Switzerland. A good friend of mine was flying out to join me the following day as he had to work. I should add now that he is straight, and I'm not interested n him in the slighteset - thats not where my story is going. Where was I... That's it, alone on a Swiss train. Somewhere between Zurich and Geneva, if it matters. And I wound up thinking. Bad move. I thought about my arents, neither of whom I've spoken to in over ten years. I thought about the bulying I'd gone through. I thought about the depression I'd been quietly suffering since I was 11 or 12. I thought about the suicide attempt. I thought about the implications of what it means to prefer looking at guys to girls.

I pretty much lost it. I was a quivering wreck, bawling my eyes out if I'm honest. It's lucky in a way that I was sitting in a quiet part if the train because I think I'd have been worse if someone had seen me like that.

My friend joined me the next day, as planned, and it must have been pretty obvious because he asked me straight away what was up. It took me two days to work up the courage to confide in him. I told him about my parents. I told him about the bullying. I told him about the pills last year. I told him how he was the first person I'd ever told most of this to. I've been depressed to some degree for most of my life, and I've never really let anyone get too close, as I'm scared of getting hurt. Scared of getting pushed away. So I'd push them first. We had a good long chat, and I felt better for it. But I couldn't tell him I'm gay.

I've only really come to terms with it in the last two weeks. I think it really hit me when I discovered a site with gay romance stories on it. I don't mean thinly veiled porn - I mean stories of love and coming out and that stuff. At first I didn't know what to think. Then I quickly realized I could relate to the feelings and issues being discussed in these stories. And I won't deny it, but the sex bits were turning me on. :icon_redf

So now I suppose I'm confused. If I was scared and nervous before when I thought I wanted to meet a nice girl (but didn't have the balls to approach anyone), then that is multiplied a thousand times when I think about meeting a guy. I've pretty much admitted to myself that I'm gay. I don't think I'm confused about that as such. Hell, i really don't know what I'm trying to say here.

So that's pretty much my story. Sorry again for the rambling. I guess I just really needed to tell someone. Even if that someone is a computer keyboard. You know what I mean.

I should add at this point that I'm no longer thinking about taking my own life. I've faced up to my past, which I think was a great help. Now I just need to face up to my sexuality.

Thanks for listening.

 

Thanks so much fir the the replys so far - so much to think about already. I'm posting this from my phone so I can't say too much. I already feel like a huge weight has gone from my shoulders just having told you guys how I feel, even though you are strangers.

I'll reply properly when I get home from work tonight, when I can use a proper keyboard.

Thanks again,
GTF

 

RG93: you are right - those are wise words. I hope they ring true for me.

Jay: I actually cried a little when I read your post. I seem to be doing that a lot lately.I'm genuinely touched that someone can be so kind. Deep down I know everything you say is true. My friend said pretty much the same things to me when I had my 'breakdown' last month. I'm not quie debt free, but I'm a million miles from the hole I'd dug for myself. The crazy thing is I was never depressed because I was in debt - I was in debt because I was depressed. All that overtime helped in two ways - it took care of my money problems, and it took my mind off the shit I was going through. I simply didn'thave time to think about suicide. Last December I was in pretty much the darkest mood I've ever experienced. No way do I want to go there again.

Aldrick: I'm going to check out those books. I've spent too much of my life feeling repressed by my past - it bugs me that not only did the bastards who bullied me rob me of my teenage years, I gave them my 20s as well. Speaking to my friend about the past was the first step in coming to terms with it, and it helped a lot. I feel like I've taken a step backwards since I admitted to myself that I'm gay - that really only happened this week, although it's been on my mind for months.

Night Rain: You're right of course. Confused is the wrong word to used. I'm scared... Apprehensive... I keep trying to say something, but it's never the right moment. I'm fairly sure that my friend will be okay with it - I know he has a couple of gay friends. But I can't help but worry that it will change our friendship. He's pretty much the only person I trust enough to talk to about the shit in my life, and if I lose that I worry that'll end up feeling like I'm all aloneagain. I don't want to go back there.
About my weight, I'm about 30-40 pounds overweight (I'm 6' 3") but most of it is comfort food. I'm trying to cut the crap out, and it's helping, and I walk 8-10 miles a day so at least that's not a lost cause.


AsI said earlier, having told you guys, even though you don't know me, I already feel much better. I've put up with so much shit in my life, I really could do without being gay on top of it all. But I guess I am what I am. I'm sort of accepting it, and hoping that maybe I'll meet Mr Right. Because the alternatives of - a) suicide, b) a meaningless heterosexual relationship or c) staying single for the rest of my life and dying lonely and bitter - appeal to me even less.

I guess I'm rambling a but again. i've got a habit of doing that.
Thanks again for all the support. I just need to figure out how to approach the subject with my best friend, preferably before I lose the nerve.

---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2012 at 10:44 PM ----------

I'm glad it worked out for you, SteelCityGuy. Every positive story I read makes me feel a little better about my situation. It's the negative ones which are screwing with me. On the bright side I don't have to worry about my families reaction, since we already have 'irreconcilable differences'. But I am really terrified of losing my friends. I wish I could ignore this, but if I don't deal, it's only going to fester I guess.

 

Hi, Swim2Fly.

I've seen what it's like down in the depths - no way do I want to go there again. I've spent most of my life since I was about 11 depressed to some degree. So the best part of 20 years. I don't think I'm anywhere near being happy, in the truest sense of the word, but I'm starting to accept who I am. Everything I've read seems to agree that I can't change myself. I can't will myself to be straight. God knows I've tried for long enough...

What you say about my friends kind of rings true - I've never been one forjoining in the typical perving, and it has been noticed, if not picked on. Maybe it will be easier than I think. I guess I've done the hard part - it took me years to accept myself as being gay - hopefully my friends will come round sooner. If not they probably weren't really worthy of being friends to begin with.

I said earlier (I think - I was probably rambling on at the time) that I feel a weight off my shoulders. It's one thing telling myself in my head that I accept being gay - it's another to actually write it down. It kind of makes it... I was going to say real, but thats the wrong word. I suppose it reinforces it. I'm ramblng on again... What I'm saying in a roundabout way is I wish I'd discovered this forum years ago - it would probably have saved me a lot of hassle. I can't get over the ammount of support available, and it really does make me feel better, and optimistic. I'm still scared, terrified if I'm honest, but at least I can see things getting better. Hopefully.

 

Hi Ianthe,

I'm a looong way from seeing my being gay as being a good thing, but I understand where you are coming from. I already know a couple of gay guys at work, one of whom I see quite frequently. I've been trying to work up the courage to speak to him about it for a week or two - at least I can be sure of at least one reaction that isn't negative. At the moment I'm about 60/40 in favour of having 'the chat' with him when I see him this afternoon. If it goes well then I'm going to arrange to meet up with my best friend and tell him too.

 

I know it's the right thing to do. It's just a case of finding the right moment. Of course the right moment never comes does it. The daft thing is I kind of get the feeling that he already knows.

Today. I'm gonna do it.

 

Argh. I couldn't do it. I've just spent 40 minutes chatting to my gay friend (lets call him D). I must have been in 'space cadet' mode a little bit because he even asked me what's up. I pretty much wimped out and glossed over it as 'stuff on my mind'. I even wimped out of another opportunity to say something as the conversation moved on. By the time I was starting toget up some nerve he had to go.

I feel like I'm living a lie - if I can't tell D, who is pretty open about his sexuality, how can Ifind the nerve to tell my straight best friend, C...

I still feel that I've come so far since I started to accept who I am, but it's like climbing a cliff, with both hands tied behind my back.

 

Thanks, I think thats what I really needed to hear.

My friend C keeps trying to tell me that I have acheived things in my life - my problem is thatI dwell on the bad things like never having completed A levels, and not having any family. Sometimes I feel like my only acheivement is surviving to see my 31st birthday. Deep down I know that's not true, but it's hard, you know. I could really do without having to deal with being gay on top of everything else though - I've never wanted to be exceptional, if you know what I mean. I'd settle for being Mr Average. To be normal.

I'm not really sure what I want from telling D - I think it's a case of having someone to talk to, face to face, that knows what it's like. I'm still kind of annoyed with myself that I wimped out this afternoon - we even spoke a little about our childhoods, and past relationships - so there were certainly oportunities to come oue, but I just couldn't get the words out.

Whatever happens though, I think I'll be giving those leather bars a miss :eek::badgrin:

 

You are right, I do know that everything you have said makes sense. I am actually in the process of applying to do a History degree with Open University. It's something I'm good at, and at the very least it'll keep me busy.

Logically, I know I'm the same person I was before. If anything, I'm a better, happier person, now that I've take that step of accepting who I am. It's like a lightbulb flickering on after so many years hiding in the dark (where on earth am I getting these analogies from?!). In the last few months I think I've run the whole gamut of emotions - depression, trapped, self loathing, loneliness, cautious happiness, absolute terror. I think I'm somewhere between the last two at the moment. I'm happy that I've realised who I am, but terrified of it and the consequences at the same time. I know I'm not making much sense - I'm sure you've already noticed my tendency to ramble on :icon_redf

Your friend sounds like a right character. If I wind up half as comfortable with myself as you make him sound, I'll be content :icon_bigg