This is my first post since introducing myself on Friday, so I know that I may not be remembered due to the vast number of members on this site. Having said that, I still thought I'd post this in an attempt to get a few people's opinions and advice, hopefully. As I said, in my introduction, I am having a hard time accepting my sexual orientation and coming to terms with it's impact on different aspects of my life. At the current moment, I have told my parents, one of my five or six friends, and my brothers. My mum was the first person to know because she figured it out; although when you reach 18 without any sign of interest in women, it must be fairly obvious. Her and my Dad said that they were 'fine with it', but were determined that I counted know for sure until I had had sex with a woman. (Is this true for you?). My brothers, who are both straight, were accepting and the friend who I told is lovely, as always, and we've been helping each other as she has been having a few problems of her own. I have four or five people (close friends) that I'd still like to tell before I decide whether to properly (publicly) come out or not. One of these friends is worrying me because she's religious and the others are all guys, some of who can be quite homophobic. This leaves me in a bit of a bind about what to do because I'm starting University in September and would love to meet new friends and people who are accepting, but fear this won't happen because of my quite introverted nature and reserved personality (I hate being in the spotlight and would rather just watch). I've thought about just carrying on with my friends like we do now, but I find some of them, especially the homophobic guys, so draining and everything they do is annoying me a lot. :icon_sad: It's eating me up inside that I seem to be stuck in this bind with only a few ways out: 1) Move to a desert island and avoid having to deal with this; 2) Carry on like now, but my mind is all over the place; 3) Come out. Focusing on number 3, I know I am too scared to tell my friends this big secret in person; so I wrote 5 or 6 'coming out' letters, a few months ago - put them in envelopes and forgot about them. These letters were my way of saying the things to my friends which I couldn't say in person, some of them were quite brutal and honest. Part of me wants to give them to my friends, but then I think I should burn them and re-think the whole idea. Obviously, I've never been the most popular person, but do have my 4 or 5 good friends. I'm ignoring texts, avoiding one of them and I don't know why. I'm just terrified of losing all my friends, not making new ones at Uni, and being all alone. Even when I'm out and about, at the cinema or in town shopping with people, I still feel terribly lonely and like I want my head to explode. (A bit dramatic, I know) With all this in mind, my old therapist arranged a meeting with the 'LGBT' centre in Edinburgh, for me, on Wednesday at 10 in the morning. I know I should go and would love to meet and make friends with other gay people, eventually maybe have a relationship. But, I'm so nervous and I don't know why. I guess it all boils down to my fear of being alone, in the end. :bang:
Just to respond to a couple things for the moment - I'm sure your parents mean well, but they're wrong when they say that you need to have had sex with a woman in order to know for sure. It's a common misconception, and it's based (I think) in the idea that being straight is somehow normal for everyone, and the place that everyone begins their exploration, no matter where you end up. It becomes very clear how wrong it is, though, when you flip it around - did your mom have to have sex with a woman to make sure she wasn't gay, or did your dad have to have sex with a man first to make sure about himself? It isn't something that needs to be scientifically tested - you just know. If they're fine with it for now, though, then run with that - they're probably just surprised and are looking for things to say that they think will be helpful. Also, do try to get yourself to go to the meeting Wednesday morning - I'm sure it makes you feel nervous, but it could just be the idea of being around other LGBT people for once. I was nervous when I went to my first meeting like that, but I turned out to really like it (and at the time I was very introverted too). They tend to be very welcoming and open, and you can share whatever you want - they might offer chances for you to participate directly, but it's very often up to you how much (or little) you say. Hang in there, and take things one step at a time. It sounds like you're doing really well so far! You'll make it through the coming months, but for now, focusing on one day at a time will take care of things eventually.
You don't have to have sex with anyone to know if you are gay. Ask your parents if they think any woman will do, or if you should try to find one you are attracted to in order to have the best chance and knowing if you could ever enjoy sex with a woman. When they say that of course you should find one you are attracted to, explain that you aren't attracted to any of them, and that's part of how you know you are gay. Having sex with someone you aren't attracted to is not going to be a good experience, regardless of you sexual orientation. You can also ask your mother how she would like it if she had sex with a man and then found out that he wasn't really attracted to her, and only did it to prove his sexuality. Does she really think it would be nice to use someone like that? Generally speaking, it's preferable to figure out whether you want to have sex with someone before actually doing it, not during or after. It's not usual for people to have sex with random strangers as a way of determining if they are attracted to them or not. When people are really very in denial, sometimes it's useful for them to have sex as a way of really confronting their true feelings in a way they can't hide from, but that's only if you are still hiding from yourself. Introspection about your feelings should normally be adequate. (Also, in those accounts I've heard of people who found a sexual experience illuminating, it was their first sexual experience with someone they were genuinely attracted to--sex with people you are not really attracted to doesn't tell you anything.) ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2012 at 04:33 PM ---------- Regarding your coming out letters, maybe rather than burning them you could take them out and revise them so that they say what you want them to say and nothing else. Or just re-write them. You should definitely go to the meeting on Wednesday. Don't think about finding a relationship, just try to make some new friends. Gay people will be your friends. If you so much as admit that you are looking for gay friends to a group of gay people, you are likely to be "adopted." A lot of gay people have had the experience of being all alone, and we've almost all been afraid of it, so you can pretty much depend on gay people to be your friends if you are in need of them. And at the kind of group you are talking about, there are likely to be a lot of other people who are in a similar situation as you are. In fact, if it helps, you can go in with a mindset that you are going for the purpose of offering support and friendship to other people who need it.
re: Thanks a lot for the advice you both gave, it made sense when I read it. I am planning to go along on Wednedsay and then maybe to a night group on Thursday, as Wednesday is just a one-on-one with a youth councillor. My parents will just take time, I hope and I will rewrite my letters and speak to my friends when we all get back. Thanks a bunch!
