Just another stupid "crush" story, just longer and more boring

Hey first of all: long text, tl;dr.



So. I'm in highschool now, and even though I've known I'm gay since like 4th grade I just completely accepted this fact and I'm OK with myself, although I wasn't considering coming out. I mean, what for? You never know people's reactions and it could ruin lots of friendships, it just isn't worth the risk. Or at least wasn't.

But this changed a bit this year. There's this new guy in my classroom who, even after one or two months of classes, was still pretty lonely. So I discovered we had a few things in common and talked to him, trying to get him to know everyone better and stuff. Just that.

Still, the more I got to know him the more I developed feelings for him. He's just so funny, cute, adorable and smart... phew. But hey, at first it wasn't a big deal. I mean, what are even the chances of this new guy even be gay? And even if he was, why would the fuck would he like me?

I started noticing the way he acted. He was very flirty with all the guys, but never with girls. He never talked about girls either, always joked about being gay and has never had any relationship before. Then I just realized I shouldn't consider any of these, it would be just stupid. I realized things shouldn't be about considering possible facts, but actually about actions.

So, this one night there was this party and I was really sick with a fever, but we both would go on a sleepover on a friend's house so I made an effort and went. And on the party there were these two girls (one of them VERY cute) that wanted to hook up with him. He refused and gave pretty stupid excuses, one of those were "I'm homosexual... really, I'm gay" but on a totally joking tone. Anyways, later on the sleepover I was excited because I was going to have to share a bed with him because there wasn't space anymore - silly me - but when we got there he slept on the other side of the room in a couch.

Anyways, a couple of moments later he came into my bed and lay there, we started sharing a blanket and he held my hand for a second. I blushed and he tried to touch my face, but I instinctively backed off. Plus I didn't want anything to happen because I was very sick. He then slept with his face turned to me, I got closer and I could feel his breathing it was so cute, and I just watched him for some moments and slept too. I left early because I was still sick.

The following week he suddenly came out to everyone in our classroom. He'd say stuff like "yes, I'm gay... I just don't look gay because my dad would beat the shit out of me, hehe". All our friends thought he was joking, but I didn't. I mean, why the fuck would anybody joke as serious as he did? A couple of days later he started saying really gross stuff such as "in my old school I sucked my friends' cock" and I got pretty scared, then he told everyone he was joking and he was straight. I got sad.

A couple of days later he was annoying the crap out of me talking about how this girl was so beautiful and amazing but she had a boyfriend. It was weird because he never talked about girls (in a "sex" way) before, and he picked just one with a boyfriend. Days later he talked about another girl that also had a boyfriend. I got pretty confused because for me it seemed like he was trying to cover his sexuality like most closeted guys, but still...

He then started acting like he used to do again. Actually, even better. He was really touchy with me and very very very cute. For example, when I gave him a handshake this time he said my hand was warm and said (in a joking tone) "won't you hold my hand forever?". Sometimes we'd just mantaing some long, cute eye contact or he'd just hug me for no reason. Aaaand he wasn't being flirty like this with everyone like he did before, it was only to me. Awwn.

We started chatting a lot more on facebook too - it's been almost 6000 msgs already. Anyways, I realized the best I could do is just take the flirting a little further and see where it goes anyway. But now it's vacations and he's in another country, I miss him so badly.

We've been talking little for the last week and we will for the next week too, untill the end of the vacations. One thing, last Friday he said "Hi" on facebook. I replied hey, and he said "I love you". The subject then changed, and I feel bad now because I didn't reply thinking it could be one of his friends messing around on his FB, but it turns out it wasn't.



By the way, if you read it here you must be really bored now, but thank you. I'll keep you up to date! :icon_wink

 

Here I am again. Although I haven't really any news since he's not around, I'm just bringing up some random thoughts so that this thread doesn't die.

So, first of all I'd like to add there's a chance that I was just overly happy when I wrote the first post and I exaggerated on the 9th paragraph since I actually summed up a lot and it's very vague. I'll make it clear that it's likely that I just wrote that the way I wanted to see things and that all that "flirting" could be just him joking around.

Buuuuuut I'm almost sure he knows I like him. Once he caught me drawing his face on my notebook, I felt really awkward but he smiled, pointed at it and said "don't erase it". Somewhen around this the touchy part started. Plus, he probably realized I try to follow him and spend as much time with him as possible. That's why I have thought of the possibility for all this flirting actually mean something, but you never know.

Either way I have a strong feeling that coming out to him isn't the best choice at all. He's probably unsure of his sexuality and if I came out to him he might feel like he's being pressed to come out. That could scare him away. Plus, if he likes me he alredy knows that I like him as I stated before, so he'll most likely unserstand I'm confused and make the moves - unless it gets too obvious for me, of course.

Anyway, there's something that came to my mind recently and I'm really confused about it. I believe IF something is going to happen I should just enjoy the moment and not worry about stuff, and it's not even OK for me to think about it because well things might just not happen, but I wonder what would happen towards everyone else we know if we engaged in a relationship and made it public.

I mean, I'm in highschool. I'm sure if I came out all of my friends would act different towards me - in a bad way - which is why I never considered coming out too soon, but I'm sure most of them would at least respect.

Thing is, if we came to a relationship things would get very very awkward, because we share common friends on our classroom that we have to "deal with" for at least about five hours every single day... try to imagine the whole situation. It would be very disturbing for both of us, and I also don't want that. Which makes me consider a closeted relationship.

But why the fuck am I considering all of this, he probably doesn't even likes me anyway. Or am I really that lucky?