I feel silly for wrestling with this, but if I can't do it in a forum like this, I don't know where I can. To begin with, I should point out that aside from getting a BJ once (from another dude), I've never had a gay experience, but I do find myself attracted to men. I think at least some of that is just wishing that I looked like the hot ones...not that I'm ugly myself. I'm just not the kind of guy that can turn a girl's head. I also think it might have something to do with just wanting a good, close (but not necessarily sexual) friendship with another guy. In fact, I don't think I'd be comfortable doing anything more than mildly making out (which leads me to wonder if I'm actually asexual, but maybe that's a topic for another time). At any rate, my issue is that I get the sense that I project this image of being gay. A couple of comments have even been made about it at work, of all places. Part of me wants to be annoyed by this, but at the same time, I'm a pretty private person and my sexual relations (or lack thereof) with someone from either sex is nobody's business but mine. Sometimes I can let such comments slide, particularly since they seem to be based on the circumstantial evidence of not having a girlfriend. But other times, like I said, I find it annoying to have people assume I'm gay because that's not how I would define myself. So, do I just need to get over myself and let people think what they want to think? I'm also wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar and maybe they can offer some insight on how to deal with that. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks!
First of all, from one Arizonan to another, welcome to the site - hope you like it here. In a way, my answer to your last question is, both. If you're uncomfortable with comments that people are making, then on the one hand there's not much you can do about it - and it would even be good to learn to let it slide a little bit. If people are wrong about you, then they're wrong. On the other hand, if this is happening at work, that's pretty inappropriate. I know there aren't a lot of lgbt (or perceived lgbt) protections in the workplace here, but do you think you can talk to your manager/supervisor about this, and see if you can get people to stop? If nothing else, you deserve to work in peace. And don't feel silly. You're right, you're very welcome to talk about it on this site. The orientation question is, as you say, another issue, but hopefully you can find some advice about it here. In the meantime, as far as other people's reactions - just try to pick your battles. Where it's appropriate, see if you can get people to back off. Have you tried telling people you don't appreciate their comments? You might get a more positive reaction than you'd suspect (not necessarily, but it's worth a shot).
Hi and thanks for the response. To clarify, in terms of one of the workplace comments I referenced in my first post, that actually came from the boss/owner so there isn't really anyone else I could talk to about that. At the same time, while I felt slighted by his remark, I find him to be a decent guy and I'm sure that he meant nothing by it. I'm chalking it up to one of those moments when I get really sensitive about people making remarks about my alleged sexuality. The other workplace comments haven't really been about me per se, just office talk about family life when pretty much everyone (but me) is asked their opinions about marriage and families. Maybe I'm just reading too much into my not being asked for opinions, though, when everyone else is, but I can't help but feel excluded. Either way, despite how whiny my posts may seem, I'm actually fine with how things are at work for the most part, just annoyed (but nothing more) every now and then when that stuff seems to crop up because it doesn't seem right. That being said, I do like and appreciate your advice of letting things slide and picking my battles. It's what my rational self has been telling me to do, but sometimes it's better to hear that from someone else, so thanks again.
No problem. If you don't mind one more question though - on the one hand, if your boss is one of the ones making said comments, that's...disappointing. He or she should be more professional than that. But, it sounds like you don't get the feeling that people are being malicious, just that it's part of the "office banter" (which still doesn't make it ok, just perhaps less hurtful than it might otherwise be). So I'm wondering - on occasions when it bothers you, are they saying anything different or targeting you in particular? Or is the same comments that just happen to bother you one day, and not on other days? Again, don't worry about talking about anything on here - you're not being whiny. If this stuff bothers you then it's important!
I think it's just me being moody during those times when it bugs me. Even with the other people in the office making various comments, I don't really feel it's malicious. I just don't like the idea of someone putting me into a box or giving me a label when they haven't really taken the time to get to know me (I'm fairly new there).
In that case, do you think the real issue might be pressure from someone or something else? Just a shot in the dark here, but is there a person or other organization in your life that's making you feel bad about yourself, or your questioning? Occasionally stress can surface in different places than where it started. And as far as your job itself, if you're new there, then give it time and see where it goes. And be sure to make an effort to reach out to co-workers - if you don't want to talk about marriage and family, ask them questions of your own. It sounds like they enjoy talking about big life issues anyway.
