1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Putting guy-girl feelings into perspective

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mattblack, Jul 23, 2012.

  1. mattblack

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2009
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Taupo, New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I caught Justin's thread the other day (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/63842-how-i-went-straight-gay-span-just-few-months.html), and have to say I identify with his story.

    Basically (and I apologise if I get any of this wrong) he grew up straight and fell in love with a guy for the first time when he moved into a new place. He's since identified as gay and seems to be happily leaving his straight life behind.

    I think the same thing is happening to me, but much more slowly and I've yet to meet a guy or fall in love or have any of those experiences that really make me identify as gay. So far all I've had is girlfriends; no gay relationships, just some fooling around when I was younger.

    Right at the moment I guess I'm feeling pretty serious conflict between three ideas:

    It seems long term I'm on a road to being gay, and if I'm gay then it's silly and selfish to get into relationships with women; they haven't worked in the past (a feeling of something being missing, no real emotional connection in bed) so I should try and forget about them entirely.

    At the same time my feelings for women can still be quite strong, and there seems to be a part of me that is fulfilled by being around beautiful women and indulging in that romance.

    And to finish it off, I think I feel an enormous sense of loss around women. It kills me that my relationships have never worked out and that I don't/can't experience the full relationships that most guys have with women. I know that's not a rational thing to think and everyone has disappointments in life...and most straight guys would say it's not really such a big deal, but it really tears me up because it's been something I've wanted for so much of my life. It absolutely feels like failure to be thinking I have to give up on women.


    I figure that what I need to do is some experimenting with other guys, so that I can have the kind of experience that Justin has had to kick me into gear. It would be much easier to forget about women if I had something better to go to, but because of internalised homophobia, I find the idea of experimenting with a guy absolutely nerve-wracking, and being gay and out is terrifying.

    I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice here or just wanting to write about what's going on. I guess it would be really helpful to hear from anyone else who is in or has gone through the same thing. If you're thinking you'll say that I just need to get out and experience the gay community more; meet other guys and make friends etc...you'll be exactly right but my anxiety about being gay has made doing that next to impossible. The only thing I can think of is to arrange hookups with guys (I think I figure that will deliver such a powerful experience that the path will become clear...), but each time I try, I end up having to really push myself into it.....to the point where it becomes traumatic and unhealthy and I have to back out.

    Bit of a mess and it's causing me some real headaches. Hopefully someone out there will have something to say that takes the heat out of the situation and puts everything into perspective. I think I'm looking for the kind of peace that Justin has found, but am just terrified to let it happen and looking for coping strategies in the meantime.
     
  2. Aquilo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2012
    Messages:
    631
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Hi Mattblack,

    I'm bi myselves (I think), but I've been in about the same situation as you. For most of my life (until about a year ago) I've only fallen in love with girls, sometimes I had some attraction to guys which I suppressed and forgot. The idea of being not-straight wasn't very attractive to me (partly because I didn't know much about homosexuality and didn't know many gay people), so I found questioning my sexuality a bit hard. Reading stories on EC, watching gay-themed movies, viewing pictures of happy gay couples and such has made me deal a bit with my homophobia and I'm going to join a gay-support group.

    You might consider joining a local-gay-support group or other gay communities too, it might help. I don't think random hook-ups will help a lot (as that's only about sex and not really about relationships), but that's your call.

    There's also no need to put a label on your sexuality, you can still fall in love with women (maybe the women you had relationships with before weren't just your type). In your post you mention you've never fallen in love with a guy, even more reason to join a gay group/organisation, so you can meet some gays while dealing with your sexuality and being able to talk to people who have dealt with the same problem can help. (Falling in love with straight guys isn't also much fun)

    Good luck!
     
  3. justinf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2012
    Messages:
    1,212
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Matt,

    Probably not so surprisingly, I can really relate to a lot you say as well. I pretty much had the same three feelings you describe, although maybe some slight differences: I hated that I couldn't find in girls anymore what I now found in a guy, the conclusion that that meant I had to give up my relationship with one (a girl, that is), and at the same time this idea that the attraction to her still was there in some way. It's an exhausting circle of thoughts.

    Yes, I was fast in determining for myself that I couldn't be completely straight, because I did have that guy that made it impossible for me to keep ignoring it. However, that didn't mean I got rid of those confusing feelings. No guy is gonna solve that for you. You gotta do that for yourself. If a guy could make things perfecty clear, I would've lived my happily gay life by now. But I'm not. I still have the same confusing, depressing feelings; I hate not being able to like girls, or wonder if I really don't.. whether it's all just a phase.. There's not one moment I am completely sure who I am.
    What I am trying to say is, you can experiment all you want, and find out that "Oh my God, this feels so much better and so much more natural than with a woman!", but even that is not going to remove the confusion.. it'll most likely make it worse. And there's no fast way to deal with that and to figure it all out. You gotta do that on your own. You're the one that needs to accept yourself. And I found over the months that no one can help you with that.

    I hope that doesn't sound too depressing lol, I just don't want you to think experimenting, doing hookups, is gonna help you get rid of all the confusing feelings and emotions only to find out in the end you're still right where you started. That's what I thought (except I didn't do hookups :wink:), and I'm finding out now that I haven't moved forward one bit in truly excepting myself.

    Just hoping all that made sense! I'm sure you'll figure it all out in time. Remember there's no rush. For neither one of us.
    If you ever wanna talk, I'd be more than happy to :slight_smile:
     
    #3 justinf, Jul 23, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2012