So I was talking with my crush the other day (she doesn't know I have a crush on her), and I was saying that I am looking forward to my first pride weekend next weekend. I basically said that my gaydar has REALLY sucked so far, and it'd be nice to have a chance to meet people at a location where the chances of them being gay would be good (though knowing my luck, I will pick up on the ONE straight girl there, trust me). She said her gaydar sucks too, that too many of the guys she's been interested in have turned out to be gay. I told her about how I was genuinely surprised when I learned that straight girls actually LIKE kissing their boyfriends (she seemed to think that was cute and was like, "well, duh" :eusa_doh At the end of the conversation, she said something along the lines of she sometimes wishes she were gay and that she was telling her friend the other day that she wants to become a lesbian. I just said something dumb about how no one gets to choose that, unfortunately. And then we were at our destination where it would no longer be exactly safe to talk about lgbt related stuff. I almost said something like, "if you want to be a lesbian, we'd definitely take you!" or "lesbians wish you were a lesbian, too!", but I thought that would be creepy. but now I'm thinking, maybe that's her way to say she could be interested? or that she wishes she could be interested but she's not? I mean, I've tried to hide the fact that I'm interested in her from her, but I think I still manage to be pretty obvious. and before anyone says anything about how I should tell her, it is super complicated because she is probably the best friend I've ever had in my entire life, and I am terrified to screw that up by frightening her away, so I have reasons to keep the fact of my being in love with her a secret even from her. plus, because of her position, even if she did reciprocate if she were open at all about it it could result in the loss of her job (which she loves and is awesome at) at worse and a whole lot of awkwardness in her life at best, and I don't want to ask that of her EVER so I really am just trying not to let on. but I can end up being kinda obvious sometimes without meaning to, for example someone else (who didn't know I was crushing on her) mentioned to me how I am always very focused on her when she is leading, that unlike everyone else my attention is always 100% on her and my eyes seem to almost never go anywhere else... (which ever since they said that, I am extremely self-conscious and try really hard not to stare) ...plus apparently I compliment her a lot more frequently and a lot more fervently than a non-interested person might... not sure why I am sharing all this, except it would be nice to share it with people who understand what it's like to be head over heals for someone who is so definitely straight but so clearly trying to be supportive and understanding. it'd be nice to share with someone who understands how ironic it is that she told me, of all people, that she sometimes wishes she could be a lesbian. someone who might understand all the questions that has sent my mind spinning along with no matter how hard I try not to think about it.
It's not uncommon for some people to hit a point much later in life when they begin to start seriously questioning their own sexuality, especially when someone they know or care for (such as a good friend like yourself, in your case) comes out of the closet. While I understand the situation keeping you from telling her how you feel about her, it could be possible that this is either her way of acknowledging that she recognizes how you feel (she may have already caught on to this fact, Ive known many people in my life, both gay & straight, who thought they were very skilled at hiding their crush from the object of their affection when, in fact, they were so obvious it was practically transparent), or she has had triggered in herself thoughts of her own sexuality because youve come out & is now thinking more about things than before. It sounds as if this is a conversation she felt very comfortable having with you, so my guess is you both may be working towards that inevitable conversation where you actually do tell her how you feel about her. My advice - dont rush it, the situation with her sounds like it will go where it needs to go on its own. She may even bring it up for you first, you never know. But there is something to keep in mind - she could also be a closet bisexual/pansexual person OR she's had same-sex feelings for much of her life that she hasnt truly confronted until she has met you,, her courageous friend who came out of the closet!
I take it that your friend is okay with gays, seeing as she's still friends with you. I'd suggest trying to pass off the idea of her going lesbian as a joke at first - judge her reaction, and if it seems favorable, immediately clarify that you're being serious. If she seems a little hesitant, play up the joking with something even more outrageous and she'll probably pick up on the jokes. The harder part is maintaining a relationship - you mentioned that she'd lose her job if she were openly gay. Would that mean she's religious, or works someplace religious? If so, it might suggest that she would be extremely unwilling to admit to herself that she is gay, and that would probably complicate things. Hope this helps, and good luck!
I certainly hate to be the one to burst bubbles, but I wouldn't put too much weight on her "I wish I were a lesbian" statement, unless she's given other signs. I know a LOT of girls who "wish they were lesbian" just because boys are jerks. Makes me mad, quite frankly, because I often wonder why they would want to be hated for something like that... King x
