which friend should I come out to first?

[Adam123]

I feel like I'm ready to take the plunge. My new years resolution was to come out and I'd like to have told at least my parents by the end of summer (I haven't made much progress, only told one or two acquaintances when I was feeling extremely brave and was extremely drunk and felt so regretful afterwards because I knew they weren't the right people to tell first, although it hasn't affected our relationship).

99% of the advice on here says you should tell a close friend first though but I'm struggling to decide who though... :/ here's my dilemma: as conceited as it sounds most of my close female friends are attracted to me because they have either told me or made advances at times. I worry that by telling them, or by saying something like "can I tell you something?" I might get their hopes up and I worry they might feel a little hurt and talk about it with their friends before I get a chance to tell people myself or feel 100% comfortable because they'll be thinking more about their own feelings (and because I know they talk about me anyway)

I also have plenty of male friends, but we are more "laddy" and don't have lots of personal talks, and I don't really think we're close enough so that I could go into great detail without either one of us feeling uncomfortable, although I think they'll be accepting once I tell them I'm gay, I don't think they'll be as sympathetic about hearing all my worries about coming out if you know what I mean???

does anyone have any advice? I mean I have a couple of friends that are girls that are in relationships... I suppose I could tell them first. I'm just so scared of being judged.

I think you should tell one of the girls that you're close with, even if they might have a thing for you. Unless it's "I think I love you" they probably won't freak out. Most likely they'll realize that you won't ever like them back and instead will just want to be really close friends with you. Most of the girls I know would be thrilled to have a "gay friend" (It's just the way a lot of people think). Personally I wouldn't want to tell another guy just because we don't like to have those "deep conversations".

[BudderMC]

Well first off, have you indicated to those girls that you weren't interested in them before? If you have, then your coming out shouldn't be getting their hopes up; if they're expecting something else, that's their problem, not yours. They need to take what you say at face value when you tell them you aren't interested.

Also, I think if you were to talk to them, phrasing it with a "I need to talk to you for a second" with a more serious/worried intonation (which presumably you'd have, being your first real coming-out) helps to set the tone of one that isn't "I wanna date you".

I don't really know the degree to which they like you, but if it's a legitimate concern that they'll tell other people before you get to, then maybe I'd suggest holding off telling them for a while. Though if they're good friends, they should be concerned for your well-being first, keep that in mind.

I thought the same way about my guy friends before I told them, partly because we had that relationship and partly because I'd never had any real "close" guy friends before. The first person I ended up telling was one of those guy friends, and like predicted, he took it fine, but was rather indifferent. He was definitely supportive though, don't get me wrong... it's just that I had to make more of an effort to initiate that conversation than him checking up to make sure I was okay. We've had a couple deep talks since, mostly about my worries (again, under my initiation), but I've even gotten him to open up about his personal life a couple times too, which he's never really done with anyone else (here) as far as I know.

I just wanted to share that story to help reiterate the idea that just because they're guys doesn't mean they can't have deep talks with you; people can be surprising when presented with new circumstances. Admittedly, I'm still not sure if he was the best first person to tell, since I know I might've benefited from more active support and concern at the time, but it all worked out in the end.

Really though, if these friends you're considering telling are going to be accepting, that's the most important thing. Any good friend will be willing to listen to your personal life. Sure, guys might not want to do it as often, but it doesn't mean they never will.

[dasazn]

I was in the opposite position: the girl I chased for years was gay. She wrote me a letter about it, basically highlighting the good times we had before coming out. It was very friendly, and we're still good friends (although that might be helped by the fact that I'm bi). You might want to consider something similar - make sure you highlight the good times and memories you guys have had and put everything in a good light before you actually write "I'm gay."