I will start this off by saying I do NOT have an eating disorder, I have cut down my appetite by a lot, but I am eating multiple meals a day, I'm not purging. This is about my best friend, M. I have known her since we were like two, we went to the same day care mom for a little while, and lived on the same street. Despite her moving around 45 minutes away, we still remained pretty good friends. During the fall and winter we hung out a bunch, probably her making sure I am okay. She knew that I was depressed and everything. There was about three or four months that we didn't see each other and then when we were at my other friend (D) house, D's mom (we have known them forever too) was commenting on how M has lost a ton of weight and then at dinner she was eating her food pretty slowly. I am not good at remembering appearances, so I didn't fully recognize how much weight M had lost. After dinner M mentioned to D and I how it was kinda awkward because she used to have an eating disorder. By saying "used to" I figured that meant it was all in the past, and she has moved on. Then during memorial day weekend we started to text. It began with normal conversation and then we some how got to her eating disorder. She said how she used to purge, but she kept referring to it in past, so again I thought that meant it was over. We then got onto my old depression, I said something about how it was good that she was on people's radars, because people didn't really know how bad my depression was. M said she knew and she regrets not being there for me more, something about how she failed me. (Later that convo I came out to her.) Anyways, I have hung out with her a bunch since, and she ate a little, but not tons. One time I was texting her because I felt really gross after spending the day at my cousins, we were cooking (deep frying) and eating, so I like wanted to puke. She said she knew how I felt and then I asked her for some tips for how to appear to be eating more than I am, for when I am on vacation with my family. And then last week I texted her a couple of times because we had talked about doing something on Thursday. After she didn't respond, I called her Saturday night. It went straight to voicemail which I found odd. So I texted D asking if he had heard from M. He said M had gone to a center for eating disorders. And has been there for over a week now. I pretty much cried myself to sleep that night. I just couldn't get M out of my head. I feel like I failed her, like how she said she failed me. I have been thinking about her so much and I just don't know what to do. I don't know who else to tell because I feel guilty about when we were texting about tips. And talking to someone, also admits the slight issues I had. Sorry for the long thread, I just don't know what to do, or say.
Ok well Im new to empty closets but I do have experience with my own eating disorder and helping friends recover from them, so I think I can help in this department. All I can say is, don't feel guilty. There is nothing you could have done to prevent her eating disorder. All you can do is be there for her. Being there and being supportive of her recovery is what she needs more than anything. People with eating disorders are usually VERY sensitive of being judged, so try not to judge her actions. Try not to discuss her looks with her or what she is and isnt eating. She'll be getting enough pressure around that from her family and the treatment center. If you work on your own body image as well, you can be a positive role model for her, to show that you can be strong and healthy and happy about yourself without having to obsessively control your food intake or have guilt around food. Easier said than done as a young woman in this society!
You really shouldn't blame yourself for anything. You should consider yourself fortunate that she confided anything to you at all, that she admitted to having a disorder in the first place. People with eating disorders purposefully keep things hidden because they know that people will obviously try to stop them if anyone ever found out, and go to great lengths to cover up any evidence whatsoever. I was diagnosed with bulimia and EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) when I was younger so I can relate. There is no such thing as "recovered." Like drug addicts, we can only be "recovering," because the desire to revert back to our behaviors will never leave us for long. As an example, for the longest time I wasn't allowed to have a full-length mirror in my bedroom because I would stand in front of it for hours pinching "fat" on my body, twisting in every possible way to see my bones and my body from any angle I could. I used to sneak into my parent's bathroom at night and stand on the toilet so I could see my thighs and butt in the medicine cabinet's mirror. I finally got a full-length one again recently, I've been in recovery for over five years, and it's so tempting to do that again, but I limit myself to nothing more than five minutes, 10 at the most in front of it, and then I have to force myself to walk away which is easier said than done. You didn't fail her. You had no idea, so what could you have done? When she gets out, you can be there for her though. For me personally, it helps to go out to new restaurants a lot with friends. I feel better and freer if I'm eating something I've never tried before, and if everyone else is eating a lot too. I go out to eat with a friend every Tuesday, and then again with my Love every Friday or Saturday. It helps me a lot. Maybe that's something you could consider doing for her? It's important though that you do something for a few hours afterward. Even if it's just a movie or a walk, or a run, or whatever, so she can't purge it. The thing to remember though, is that her recovery rests entirely on her shoulders and that she will stop only when she wants to stop, only when she gets sick of being sick. You can only help her get there by being a sympathetic ear and a role model.
Honey, you've done nothing wrong, whilst I've never had an eating disorder, my sister came very close to one. And I can tell you that it is the easiest thing in the world to make a mask. If she didn't want you to know about it then there was no way you could have known. Kidd is quite right, the best thing you can do is be there for her when she gets out and makes sure she knows you value her as a friend.
I know that people with eating disorders can hide it very well. While I personally didn't know anyone with one, I had been reading a fanfic, where one of the characters had one and it was very realistic and in my opinion really captured how the disorder was in control. Thanks for the help.
