It's time to share: Hmph. I've been a "half-out" for almost four years. I came out half way through high school and went through a suicidal period. I was confused because I noticed that men were actually appealing to me but I was raised in a Christian home. My parents began to question me about my orientation and they tried to pray the gay away. (Have you read/seen "Prayers for Bobby"? I felt just like Bobby Griffith in high school.) I felt confused because I had sexually longed for guys but the God-figure I was raised with considered homosexuality to be an abomination. I was also confused because I still liked girls in a sexual way. I felt like a hypocrite to both my faith and the gay community; I was stuck in the middle of so much and had no where to run without my parents interfering. Time went on and now I'm beginning my sophomore year in college. Not much has changed. I'm actually at a Christian school albeit there are two positive things about the school: my school does NOT kick openly gay students out and there is a Unity Club (basically a gay-straight alliance). Even though I can be openly bi on campus... I'm still afraid. The Unity Club is going through a fiasco and the current president is asking me to take over. (I ran the gay-straight alliance in high school but I stepped down from presidency because I was afraid of my parents finding out and peers bullying me once again.) I graciously want to accept the position but I have no idea what to do with the Unity Club - especially if I'm too timid to be open about who I am. That being said, I'm also an RA (resident assistant) this year so I don't want to be too out in the gay community if it might affect my RA job in the future - like I said, it's a Christian university. Being bi still confuses me. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Am I 50/50? Of course not! But I just want to meet other gays. But if I have a girlfriend in the future, will she dislike my bisexuality? The same goes with guys. Would guys think I'm just a faux gay? For the record, I'm no longer suicidal. I still have slumps but those are just moments of mild depression - no longer as dark as they used to be.
Gays and straights have said and continue to say really hurtful things to bisexuals. You certainly won't find perfection. But if you have patience and look in the right places, you'll find people who will accept you for who you are. I think you should concentrate on just learning who you are and what you want. You don't have to represent other bisexuals. You're just you.
