I am turning 18. My abusive ex-father may legally contact me again. .. help.

[Koll]

I am.. so afraid and I'm crying as I write this but It's been weighing on my mind so heavily lately and I need to just.. I need to talk to someone about it.

I am turning 18 in a few months. I currently have a restraining order against him.

.. I'm scared. Once I'm 18, he can find me, he can contact me.

and I'm afraid of everything. He attempted to kill me as a child. He abused me, He's the reason I have all these permanent injuries.

And my fear level has resurfaced. My anxiety is soaring. I'm afraid he's coming for me. And I'm afraid he may hurt me.

I am not a bulky boy. I could not stand up for myself if i needed to. I'm afraid one day I'm going to be driving home from work and he'll follow me.

or something.

I have no idea. I'm just .. I'm so fucking scared. I have no idea what to do.. I almost know he'll come find me.

I don't want that


What the hell can I do.



.. I've been having dreams. Of car accidents, initiated by Jeff. That I end up in..

or other scenarios

and these dreams have been occurring for the past 5 days now.

[lilbitlost]

Could you not just get the restraining order renewed? Sorry im not too sure how they work in canada.

[Koll]

Originally Posted by lilbitlost

Could you not just get the restraining order renewed? Sorry im not too sure how they work in canada.

You need a legitimate reason. The only reason I can use is that he did come, and I didn't desire it. He has to come at least once before I can use that as a renewal reason.

Fear is not a reason..

I just want to make sure he can't find me.. how can I do that.

[Katelynn]

Regardless of the jurisdiction you are in in Canada (ie which province), I would suggest contacting your local police detatchment, provincial is most likely as the restraining order was probably issued in a provincial court of law, & advise them of your concerns. Should your ex-father be as dangerous as it certainly sounds like he is, my guess is that the police will want to be aware of his location & keep an eye on him, especially if you can present valid & credible evidence of his being a threat to the community (which, if you have had a restraining order against him in the past, he most certainly is & you most certainly will be able to prove he is). If he has broken any federal laws (ie attempted murder sounds definitely like one in this instance), it may need to be the RCMP you will need to contact, again for the same reasons as above. You sound as if you have ever reason to be afrai of this person, & I can assure you, your protection by the police does not expire or disappear after the retraining order ends when you turn 18. If need be, you can always get a new restraining order or attempt to make a petition to the court to extend the current one past the expiry date it has now, with valid & credible evidence to support the petition to do so. If you have the means & the resources in your community, check for local attorneys & consult one as to your options legally as well, especially a civil attorney. Again, things may vary from province to province legally speaking, but if youre also dealing with federal laws, it should be the same everywhere given the issues you need.

I guess what Im trying to say with all of the above is that you do still have legal options & protection under the law, both by the police & with the courts, so dont hesitate to avail yourself of the system, that's why it is there!

I should also point out that should he contact you or in any way harm your person or your property after the end of the current restraining order, you may have cause to take your ex-father to civil court as well & sue him for damages, both punitive & compensatory...

[Koll]

Originally Posted by kiersten

Regardless of the jurisdiction you are in in Canada (ie which province), I would suggest contacting your local police detatchment, provincial is most likely as the restraining order was probably issued in a provincial court of law, & advise them of your concerns. Should your ex-father be as dangerous as it certainly sounds like he is, my guess is that the police will want to be aware of his location & keep an eye on him, especially if you can present valid & credible evidence of his being a threat to the community (which, if you have had a restraining order against him in the past, he most certainly is & you most certainly will be able to prove he is). If he has broken any federal laws (ie attempted murder sounds definitely like one in this instance), it may need to be the RCMP you will need to contact, again for the same reasons as above. You sound as if you have ever reason to be afrai of this person, & I can assure you, your protection by the police does not expire or disappear after the retraining order ends when you turn 18. If need be, you can always get a new restraining order or attempt to make a petition to the court to extend the current one past the expiry date it has now, with valid & credible evidence to support the petition to do so. If you have the means & the resources in your community, check for local attorneys & consult one as to your options legally as well, especially a civil attorney. Again, things may vary from province to province legally speaking, but if youre also dealing with federal laws, it should be the same everywhere given the issues you need.

I guess what Im trying to say with all of the above is that you do still have legal options & protection under the law, both by the police & with the courts, so dont hesitate to avail yourself of the system, that's why it is there!

I'm in Ontario.

I'll have to speak to my mother about that I suppose. She's the one who filed our originals.

Hers won't expire for a few more years. If he comes on our property (I'm currently with her) can legal action be taken on account of her restraining order, Regardless if home or not?

I really appreciate your reply. You seem to know what you're talking about..


This has been haunting me for so long now.. I didn't think twice about it before but it's coming up and I want to be prepared..

[Katelynn]

If your mother has a restraining order against him & he violates that order, he is in breach & would be subject to the penalties the court imposes. Since I'm also in Ontario, I can always check into it a bit more, but even if your restraining order expires, if your Mother's is still current & the RO includes not only her person but also her place of residence, then he should be prohibited from coming within whatever the prescribed distance is set out in the RO. Contact your local police or OPP detachment & give them the info from the RO, your concerns & any other info you think is relevant & they should be able to answer any questions you have as well. Be prepared to hear that they. Ant do anything until he violates the RO, but if you let them know how he is, they may see if they can have normally scheduled patrols include your area a bit more closely to cut down on response time should be attempt to contact you. At the very least, discuss the matter with the police & see what is possible. As far as my checking into things, I can just see what the law says, I'm not a lawyer & can't give legal advice per se, so hopefully you have a lawyer than can assist you with questions on the law & how to proceed should something occur...

[Bobbgooduk]

Isn't it a universal law that as an adult NO-ONE can force you to be in contact with anyone? You don't have to accept any phone-call, you can drop letters in the trash, you can refuse to meet him if he tries to set up a meeting.

His being your father does not supersede your rights as a citizen who has reached the age of majority.

And if he does try to bother you, YOU can take out a restraining order, based on what he has done in the past. Your turning 18 does not wipe HIS slate clean!

Try not to get over-anxious about this (easier said than done) but he's probably got on with his life in the meantime - he's had years without contact and probably will leave it at that - he has nothing to gain by trying to restore contact, unless it's to ask for forgiveness.

I would also ask you to try not to let the past eat at your future - you have suffered enough and must not let him colour your future more than he has to. Forgive him in your heart if you can, even though what he did was unforgivable. It will give YOU peace.

I base this comment on the experience of my adopted son. I adopted him aged 10. His natural father had pushed him through a shop-window and he has a massive scar down his left cheek. His body is covered with cigarette burns - even on his scrotum. When he was a teenager, his rage boiled out and he made plans to find his father and pay him back, but in the end, he just got on with his life. Yet the pain gnawed at him and when he was 35, he located his father and went to confront him with the past. He found his father dying of cancer, his father wept and tried to explain, and in the end my son forgave him. He died cradled in my son's arms.

This made such a massive impact on me as Ian's adoptive father. I am in awe of his ability to forgive the terrible things that were done to him, that his father was able to ask for forgiveness AND - the reason I'm telling you this - I'm astounded by the peace it has given my son in his heart.

You cannot help but wonder what you did to deserve the treatment you received. Of course, you did nothing and did not deserve it, but you are the one still suffering from you old demons.

I hope that you will be able to lay these demons to rest at some point in the future, even if it is only in your own heart and mind.

Good luck!