why do I feal this ?

[MinaNB]

This is my first post here and wow...



Normaly I do big and flashy intro's this is me this is who I am and what I am about but tonight I just feal like , really want to hurt myself I want to make all the pain I am fealing stop I am 29 years old trans girl forced to live in the body she hates and felas such self lothing for herself that she just wants to grab that bottle of pills and see how many she can take before her heart stops for good for what ever comes next has to be better than this pain I am fealing I hate my life I hate the person I am forced to be the quiet over weight mouse who married the first woman who said yes because thats what he was expected to do .

I've had the courage to be the person I want to be only when no one else is around and even than Mina comes out in my mind only I am a cowrd . every day that go's by I feal more and more terrible and find myself loseing intrest in the thigns that use to make me happy ....

I am sorry to complain but I just dont know what to do any more I just want to be happy but I dont know . I think I joined here because I wanted to reach out to some one . any one out there ...


thank you for leting me post here ...

[Eleanor Rigby]

Hey sweetheart ,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I can't even imagine what it feels like to be in your situation but I have no doubt it's incredibly painful.
It's ok if for now you can be yourself only when you're alone. It's ok to be scared.
I hope that joining EC will help you feel a little bit better. You can be yourself here, nobody is going to blame your or judge you. We're here to try to provide help and support to everyone who needs it.
I'm sure the other transgender members on Ec are going to relate to what you're feeling and are going to contact you and try to help you out. You're also very welcome to contact any advisors of the team, anytime about anything.
Take care of yourself Cécile

[Bobbgooduk]

Mina

Do you have to stay where you are? I think you feel you are not able to be the Mina you want to be because people know you already as your other self.

It might be hard to leave some things behind, but could you consider the thought of moving to somewhere new and only being Mina as far as all your new neighbours were concerned?

It seems a drastic solution, but not as drastic as the solution offered by your bottle of pills, which I think is a very bad solution for everyone, by the way.

You have decided you want to be Mina. BIG STEP #1

Is it time now for BIG STEP #2?

I have no idea how you feel inside - I'm gay but I've always been happy to be male - I sometimes feel like a thin person trying to get out of a fat body, but that doesn;t equate to how you feel.

If you love Mina, you owe it to her to give her a break. She deserves it!

[Rygirl]

I hope this doesn't sound judgemental, but please don't hurt yourself. I can speak from experience and say that the people here are amazing, supportive and absolutely lovely. Obviously I have no clue how you feel in your situation but I have been in a pretty dark place emotionally in the past, and it can get better.
I really hope that the people on EC can help you.

[MinaNB]

Thank you all for the kind words , they helped a bit more than I had hoped they would .

Bob ( may I call you that ? ) I am at the moment stuck in wy at the moment I dont have a car anymore and no job I am acitily stuck with my wife who it turns out is a rather large homophobe I was trying to hint around her not to long ago by renting the movie trans America and she shut it off saying she did not want to watch any F** S****

Honestly Leaveing my "nic" life behind and become Wilhelmina ( A little old fashined but I love that name) full time I would go to the moon and beyound I am prepared to start over with new frinds , work , family if I have to . I have even droped nearly 60 pounds because I want to look good and be helthy it's just the "darkness" as I've come to call it takes over alot lately .

Ry I like this place alot and I do hope y'all could help me . I will freely admit I do want to hurt my self often anymore but and it's silly but I have a picture on my computer some thing I made on polyvore of the first real outfit I want to wear its my treat to see these beatyful peaaces of cloth instead of the drab boy wear I have to wear now . it keeps me going most days

[Bobbgooduk]

Well, to me, it sounds as if your wife is part of the baggage you need to get rid of - I don't get the feeling she's going to be warm and supportive any time soon!

Hitchhike? Train? Bus? You're more likely to find work in a city that out in the sticks where a car isn't as important any more when you've got public transportation.

I'm sure you've thought of this before, but you're healthy, you're young, you have a dream - things are not as hopeless as you feel they are.