I've just finished my first year in college. Over the past year I've reached a point where I'm fairly sure that I have no more personal inhibitions against coming out - I can accept myself fully and I don't want to have to hide myself from the people in my life. There may be a few problems with specific people, but I don't think it's anything I can't deal with. Unfortunately, there's more than the personal at stake for me. My government is paying for my college education, and in return, after I graduate, I will work for them for several years. It's a good job and I probably would have worked with them at some point even if I didn't get this 'scholarship'. I know my career prospects as well - they intend the people they've chosen to rise quickly, into positions of power in the civil service. There's a caveat though: as recently as 10 years ago, they hadn't admitted that there were any openly LGBT people in the civil service, much less in the higher echelons. They then 'admitted' that they'd been tolerating LGBT people for some time, but with no assurance that this wouldn't affect their career advancement. I've been seeking advice from the few friends I'm out to, and the general consensus is that my career progression will be significantly stunted if I come out. I'd much prefer a quiet life in the mountains with someone I love. But the advancement is important because it gives me a lot of credibility. If my government repeatedly acknowledges that I'm performing well at my job, and places its trust in me, it shows my competence. I don't intend to be a career civil servant - if the circumstances are right, I'll get into politics and try to set my country right (on equality and a range of other issues). By this point, with experience in the higher positions in the civil service, they can't paint me as incapable. They'll at least have to engage me on their own level. More importantly, my country still respects its government and its civil service, and it will be very hard for anyone who opposes me to question my track record. And by this time, after I've got the credibility under my belt, I can come out, on my own terms. I fully intend to do this, and I think by this point my society will be ready. I study in the UK, but I'm not from there - I'm from somewhere where to a significant degree, LGBT people aren't accepted, and homosexuality is still a criminal offence. Young people are far more tolerant, which is why I don't think my friends will have a problem, but as a society we've repeatedly described ourselves as conservative. I don't think we're comfortable with a gay public figure, even an actor or a musician, much less someone with power, at least for now. Things are changing, but not fast enough for me to come out. If I were born 10 years later it'd probably be fine. I feel like I'm passing up all these opportunities to meet people openly in a country where these things aren't frowned upon any more, because I'm still not out. I see a guy I like or might like and I can't go up to them and talk, because there's no point. I won't risk dating someone. There are too many people from home in the UK, and I won't even know when I've been spotted. Once rumours start swirling, I know it's too late to try to stay in the closet - somehow, that hasn't happened yet, and I think I hide it well enough for people not to ask questions until I'm in my thirties. But this is exactly the time when people meet people and fall in love. Not only is it the norm: for me it's almost a necessity. Once college is over, I'm back home, with all the extra precautions I take there, plus my don't-ask-don't-tell working environment - chances of meeting someone are slim. Then again, so what if I meet someone where I study? If it's anything serious, and we intend to stay together, it's under the constraint not only that I have to go back home, and that I have to stay closeted. It's a lot to ask, and I've had countless doubt-filled nights about whether anyone in their right mind would do it. I feel like I have such an opportunity on my hands. I have the sheer luck of having been recognised as competent, and all I need to do to fulfil that potential is to sit tight. If I play my cards right, I'll gain enough credibility to question the status quo, and even though I won't be able to do anything to change how my generation and those before us grew up, if I can make it better for those who come after us, it'll all be worth it to me. Yet this comes at the very possible expense of meeting someone I love. I want to know whether you think it's the right choice, whether it can be done, and whether you think I can be lucky enough to get both my dreams.
Whenever a choice like this has to be made, between loving freely and duty, ambition, and responsibility, it is really up to your personal judgment. As soon as you let someone else influence your decision, it will leave you room to blame and lament someone else for the choice you've made. When we tread down a certain path in life, we might always think and even desire the "what if". That part is human nature. Know that there are tons before who have chosen personal sacrifice to fulfill what they believed to be their duty or ambition in life. At the very same time, the notion of selfless love one person has for another, is even regarded as noble. Edward VIII, king and emperor, abdicated a life of majesty and service for love, and for that sensational abdication he is both criticized and praised by various elements of society. At the beginning of our life, we come into this world alone, and in the end of all things, we depart this earth alone. I think it is important to experience every aspect of life in the fullest, to learn, to grow, to change. And I emphasize change, no decision you make now should be seen as permanent. The closure of one door does not mean that its forever shut.
Quite frankly, that said it all for me. Sorry for such a short response to a long post, but that stuck out to me. Of course, you're stuck in the situation of owing your home country's government for your education. Usually in these cases you have the option of paying them back if you opt not to work for them - is that the case? Ultimately, Zeratul is right, it's up to you. Which is really more important to you - credibility, or that quiet life in the mountains with someone you love?
How hard would it be to keep it a secret from your government and workplace? I don't know what kind of job it is, but it's really none of their business what you do after work hours. I know it sucks, but that could be a way you could keep both things. I think everyone could relate to the desire to just live somewhere beautiful with the person they love, but I'm going to play the devil's advocate and say that you have to be more realistic. If this dream was feasible, everyone would retire and move to the countryside. You sound very invested in your career and future, and I think that's wonderful. If you can keep a happy personal life separate from your progression at work, then later on you can comfortably retire into the mountain life. I know it's easier said than done. As soon as I graduate from university, I plan on enlisting as an officer in the U.S. military. I have very ambitious career goals and only less than a percent of people with similar goals actually make it. I know that the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy has been revoked, but that doesn't mean my homosexuality wouldn't harm my advancement.
Hi, I read your original post and firstly congrats on the scholarship, you have positioned yourself for what hopefully will be a fulfilling career whatever you ultimately choose. My reaction to reading your post is to try to relax a bit about the situation. I understand you want to have a 5-10 year career plan etc, but, trust me, a lot can change over that period. If you were to pursue the career in government as you stated, you might find that you either hate it and want to quit, or perhaps that you are very well suited to it and the sexuality issue is really not a big deal as your boss is in fact gay. I know these are two extremes, but I just wanted to advise to do what interests you most and sometimes in life the other things have a way of sorting themselves out. I would not be too concerned at 19 with being a leading government figure and what implications of that might be. In any case, I am sure you will do great and best of luck.
My first instinct is to tell you that you should go after your career and keep quiet about your sexual orientation. I tell you this just because I'm very career oriented - I would very much like to have a fulfilling career where I can make money and do something I love. As such, I feel like if my sexual orientation would be an issue, I'd keep it out of the workplace. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your sexual orientation. As for meeting people, there are ways. I'm sure there's people who'd understand you wanting to stay down-low due to your career, as long as you made it clear that it wasn't because you're ashamed. Good luck! King x
Hey all, thanks very much for your thoughts I know this is my choice and I'd scarcely blame anyone for it! I suppose what I mean by preferring the life in the mountains is that I'd be happiest there. But I think if I did that, and gave up this incredible opportunity to do some good, I'd spend quite a bit of time wondering whether I'm just dumping all the things bigger than myself that I care about, to pursue my own good life. And I don't think I can forget how I grew up and why I decided to press on. So while I'd love to have that life, I think the day my country gets marriage equality will be my happiest, all the better if I did something significant to bring it about, even if I spend it with no one I can propose to. I'm just trying to make sure it's really a dilemma at this point. I know things can change, and it's definitely not as clear-cut as "if someone gets an inkling that you're gay, you'll never get promoted". That said I still need to make a realistic choice, given the circumstances I'll actually face, not how my government should be treating me. I don't think I can be out to a significant number of people without that having a significant impact on my job. It certainly can't be common knowledge. Maybe it won't be such an issue when I'm actually in a relationship, but right now it's the fact that I'm not (and might never be until I'm in my 30s) 'on the market' so to speak that concerns me. Things do sort themselves out sometimes, I know It's just that I've recently realised how much I'm missing out on, in a way, and that's what's gotten me riled up. King, if you've any advice about meeting people through 'other ways', I'd love to know what those are!
