I’m engaged to my long-term boyfriend of 6 years but I’m not excited to marry him. When he proposed, I wasn’t really excited. I’ve always felt like I was different to other women. In relationships with men I’ve always been able to detach myself emotionally even though I find some men attractive. For a couple of years I’ve been unfulfilled but I don’t know if it was just life, after all ups and downs are natural. I thought it was something to do with my job so I decided to try something different out without quitting my job. This didn’t satisfy me either. I don’t know if I’m being ungrateful. My fiancé is so kind to me, he calls me everyday to see how I’m feeling, he cooks me food sometimes, he buys me things, he wants to marry me and his parents are lovely and would amazing grandparents to out children. However, I don’t want babies, I don’t want to be trapped in the house doing nothing with small children. Don’t get me wrong, I like children but I don’t think it’s me. Around 4 months ago I had a dream that I kissed one of my good friends. The next day when I saw her, I couldn’t stop looking at her and feeling excited. Ever since I realised I had feelings for her I can’t stop thinking about her, I dream about her and I want to look after her and kiss her. I want to be with her all of the time. When I log on to social networking sites my heart skips a beat when she appears online. I’ve felt like this for around 3-4 months now and every time I see her, it gets worse. When I see her I become aroused, my heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest and when I ignore these feelings and tell myself not to be silly and that my fiancé is great and that I should appreciate him, I feel an emotional tightness in my chest. I know it sounds dramatic but she is the only thing that excites me at the moment. I can’t wait until the weekend when we get to go out like a group of friends. It makes me sick to wonder when we are going to see each other again after this weekend, I can’t bare more than a week without seeing her. As for my fiancé, I like him, I miss him when I don’t see him but I don’t feel this strongly if I don’t see him. My dream is to finish my studies and travel abroad. If my fiancé said that he didn’t want to go, I would go anyway. If I were in a relationship with my good friend, I wouldn’t go. I would do anything to stay with her, even if it means giving up on my dreams. I don’t know what to do about the whole situation. I’m not unhappy with my fiancé, just bored and unfulfilled and I don’t get excited when I see him. He makes me happy when I chat to him and he’s a great listener and friend when I need him to be. I really don’t know what to do.
Hi, and welcome to EC. When I got married the first time, I realize now, I was just going through the motions. I wasn't really in love with my wife the way she was in love with me. But I didn't see that or recognize that until I really fell in love - with my husband! When I met him after my wife and I had seperated the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. And I realized at that time that THESE were the emotions that my ex wife had felt for me, that I wasn't able to return. The fact that you're having these thoughts now suggests that there is something to work through. Granted, I don't get the same 'butterflies' that I used to when I see my husband, I still care deeply for him and miss him when he's away, and enjoy going to bed with him every night and talking and holding his hand and laying next to him. I don't think I was that way with my wife. Only you will be able to decide what you should do. But I certainly would continue to explore these feelings. Have you considered seeing a counsellor or therapist? I would recommend it. I think everyone should see one - gay or not! Good luck!
Please don't marry your fiancé, and certainly don't have kids, unless you're sure it's what you want. These things are for the long-haul and it will only hurt all concerned if you end up feeling trapped and resentful. You cite many very practical, 'sensible' reasons why your boyfriend would make a good husband, but if the love and sexual attraction isn't really there, it will be a life-sentence for both of you. You owe it to yourself to sort out the meaning of the feelings you have for your friend. Councelling is certainly one option, but may not be able to provide answers if you've never explored... I'd suggest you follow your dream of travelling abroad, on your own. Use the time and distance to reassess your feelings for your fiancé. Maybe you can even talk to him about some of your uncertainties - you say he is a good listener. If the crush you have on your friend doesn't fade, that would seem to suggest that you need to explore this aspect of your sexuality before making a commitment to anyone. Difficult though if you can't talk to her. Do you think she has any idea how you feel? Best wishes!
Thanks for your replies. Yeah, I've told him I don't want to get married just yet and I don't think my body would let me physically go through with it. I can only do things I am sure I want to do. I'm going to try counselling, I really want to try and address the issues that I have without separating from him but I may have to. I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to feel this way about my fiance. I know people who have got engaged and they're over the moon. I just feel trapped and that I want my life to be over with as soon as possible (not as in suicide but, please day hurry up so I can go to bed). I'm also starting to get angry with his parents and they are lovely people. I know that I'm doing it because I'm unhappy and it's like my unconscious is generating an excuse. I just don't know if the love is there anymore, and I don't know if he knows. I think he loves me deeply otherwise he wouldn't have engaged. My sister says I should be grateful for what I have and because I haven't experienced a bad relationship, I'm enable to appreciate what I have. I've been out with 2 men who have been amazing to me, such kind and wonderful people and I feel so bad that I'm feeling this way towards my friend. I think she knows that I like her because she keeps on commenting that I'm in denial and she addresses me as homo. I brush it off as a laugh because I know if I draw attention to it, it will be obvious. She has commented about me before, she sat me down when we were both very drunk and (I think she) said that she has feelings for me. She also seems to remember everything I say and she tries to make me jealous by saying that she's going out on the weekend, but when I ask with who, she doesn't reply (or just smiles). She knows I think, she winks at me when we go out and she's said before that she's jealous of my relationship with my fiance. I just can't get it into my head that I might be gay. It's made me question everything about my life and everything kind of makes sense, in a way. I've always been able to detach emotionally from men for some reason, I don't know why but sex has never made me cry emotionally or made me feel on top of the world or amazingly happy. It just hasn't. I've always felt like I can walk away from a boyfriend and not be affected by it too much. But with this girl, I know I would be devastated if she went with another girl and I get so jealous when she goes with men in clubs. I'm just so confused because I thought this is how love was supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to be over the moon when he proposed because people get bored in relationships over time.
