Understanding my Insecurities

Hey there, and welcome to the site.

You've already started to answer your own concerns, in a way - you're right that coming out is a stage, and that just starting to tell people isn't the whole process. Nevertheless, you've already made some big strides (coming out, spending time with other gay people, talking to a guy you're interested in) so don't forget to pat yourself on the back once in awhile.

As far as the body image problem - a lot of people deal with this (almost certainly more than you think), and one of the things I remind people of in this case is that everybody - and I do mean everybody - is somebody's type. Whether you're stocky or slim, hairy or smooth, round face or long, somebody out there - chances are, several somebodies - will find you attractive. If, speaking hypothetically for a moment, something were to develop between you and this guy, he wouldn't be "settling" for you, and it's entirely possible that some ex, who you think is so much more attractive than you, did something mean and nasty to him in the past, and he doesn't think about them that way at all. For my part, I've never judged any relationship I've been in based on how attractive the other guy was - it might be a nice way to reel me in, but inevitably that becomes much less important than other things. And if anyone actually did judge relationships that way, they wouldn't be the kind of person you'd want to date anyway.

As for social issues, don't worry too much what types of people you hang out with. If they're gay, or hetero, or some mix, the really important thing is that they're good friends that you get along with well. Many people also feel more comfortable in smaller circles - and you may find, one day, that you sometimes feel comfortable in certain large groups, but not in others.

So, again, take a deep breath, remind yourself of the good things about you and how far you've made it already - and let what happens, happen. It sounds like you have a lot to offer people, and to a significant other. Keep reminding yourself of that!

 

The thing about insecurity and confidence that I feel people forget is that it is not just based on how we look in comparison to others. It usually is seen in that way, but there is a whole deeper level. Confidence does not mean I see myself as better or in the upper rankings of attraction amongst my peers, it means that I have come to love the way that I look. I am positive that you have seen "more attractive" than him in your life, but you care for him no less. There will always be people who we see as more attractive to us,(its painfully natural >_>) but it doesnt give us the right to think of ourselfs as any less.

I completely get the introvert situation. I used to be a introvert when I was younger, and although it wasnt really any different regardless the people I know that feeling. I would say that is not that you arent able to contribute, but are afriad to. I remember obssessing over the things that I said, wondering if they were logical, relevant, if anyone would really want to listen......Eventually, I got over it. I'm not sure exactly how I was able to come out of my shell so quickly, but I think part of it was that I eventually had a epiphany. I could put myself out there and end up in a awkward situation, or not, but really theres nothing to lose. Not to mention, maybe the person I reach out to is another introverted person, and being one myself I know how good it feels when people make a effort to notice you.


Long story short, it all comes down to you being too hard on yourself. If someone has better looking ex's okay, but there is obviously a reason he broke up with them . But you have to learn to be confident and sure of yourself regardless of those outside influences. It wont be easy, but is just about accepting what you already have and believing that what you have isnt less than anyone else. Dont know if I helped, but I wish you well (*hug*)

 

Relationships based solely of physical characteristics are usually shallow and unfulfilling.

You say the guy has more experience, which could mean he's older (an assumption, I know) and that maybe he really isn't looking for Body Beautiful.

He seems to have taken the trouble to get to know you quite well, but I think it would be unfair to him to assume that he would lose interest in you because of your own perception of your body. You have to give him credit for more depth of character than that.

I think this man sounds ideal for you. He already knows of your insecurities - you say they've unwound before him - and I would imagine you have shared your feelings of inadequacy with him. And yet, he has persevered with you.

If he were shallow, it would have been so easy to have dropped you ages ago.

As to looking at his exes - well, that tells you everything - they're exes for a reason or reasons, so whatever they had, it wasn't enough.

They may have had model looks - so what? They failed to hold his attention.

They may have had the brains of Einstein - so what? They were arrogant and mean.

They may have been a leading socialite - so what? The glitz and glamour was not enough.


What have you got to lose? If you leave things as they are, you're just re-affirming your insecurities. You'll make no personal progress and learn nothing new.

If you give the guy a chance, who knows, he might be the one, or he might help you to deal with your insecurities and on to another place.

People very rarely settle for the first person they go out with - dating is a growing and learning process. I agree with you totally about bars - the last place I would feel comfortable in - and I know of many people who met decent people through the internet.
I used a dating agency (I didn't have a computer at the time - the Dark Ages) -it doesn't really matter what brings the meeting about.

I think that if you see each person you meet (casually or romantically) as an opportunity to develop yourself in terms of social skills and "practice" it gives a purpose to even the most fleeting of contacts with people.

Feeling sick to the stomach - we've all felt that - committing to get to know someone better is a big step, but one we can learn from at the very least, and one we can love from if we're lucky! :icon_wink

 

Well, a couple of thoughts spring to my mind when reading your post. This might repeat some of the above, but for what it's worth:

Meeting gay friends:
I don't really find it easy to relate to gay people myself. Or, to be more specific: I don't find it easy to relate to other people about being gay. And every time someone tries to break the ice with any gay-related topic, I end up staring blankly, instead of finding a common ground.
While I do have some gay friends, the one tie binding them and me together is that we befriended each other for mutual interests, and only later ended up discovering we weren't all straight.

That doesn't have to be a disaster, though. It just means that you need a different approach than meeting people over being gay first, and finding common ground later.

The way I see it, in any group of gay people, about 5% will have similar interests.
In any group of people with similar interests, only about 5% will be gay.
Similar odds of finding gay friends, but I do end up having more fun in the group of people with similar interests. and possibly making straight friends on the side, which isn't too shabby either.

Don't get me wrong here, there might be even better options (such as finding a group built around people who have the same interests AND are gay). And it does mean you need to be pretty out and open at all times. And you don't want to close the door on just meeting gay people in any case. But it does, for me at least, pay to try and pursue your interests first, and see who you meet along the way.


Insecurities:

I don't really have a lot of body image problems, but I am terribly afraid of people finding me boring, or dumb. So it's not identical to your situation. There is, however, a constant tendency to compare myself to others, usually not favourably.

Of course, reminding yourself that this is all in your mind can help a bit. Personally, I usually remind myself how easily people could avoid me, and yet many of my friends go out of their way to spend time with me. Just like I wouldn't like them not trusting my motives for hanging out with them, so do I try to remind myself that I'm not supposed to second-guess their motives. If they spend time with me, they obviously like me, and that's all that counts, really.


Secondly: like any obsession: sharing insecurities lessens them. It's only through mulling through your mind that they hold power over you. Taking them from your mind, putting them out there, and discussing them usually makes it easier to see how they aren't logical.
Yes, that does mean taking the step of opening up. some friends might be truly amazed when you tell them. I got many "are you kidding me?"'s when I told some of my friends. But usually, it did do wonders for my self-esteem to find out that it was, in fact, just in my own mind.

Obvious disclaimer: don't do this all the time. It's not terribly becoming to bring up the "I feel unworthy" talk every time, or spending hours and hours on it. the occasional discussion can help, though.



Last but not least: I do think that your clear description shows you're already on the right road. Not entirely there yet, but definitely getting there!