Hi everyone, I am 21 and gay and I am only out to very few friends, no one in my family. Today, I could have come out to my mom but I didn't. Now, I feel awful. The story in short is that my parents found out multiple times that I was watching gay porn online back when I was about 15 icon_redf:eusa_doh. Since then, my mom asked several times if I liked boys. I always said no. Since about last summer, I feel comfortable enough with my sexuality that I can actually accept it myself and let others accept it too. My mom asked me again last summer if I liked boys and said no. Since then, I was waiting for her to ask again because I decided that I'd tell her in that case. At the same time, I was almost sure that she wouldn't ask ever again as I very firmly said no last year. Today, she asked me what was up with girls and why I never have any girlfriends (didn't explicitly ask about boys). As soon as she mentioned girls, I just went blank. I simply said no, I have no girlfriend. "Why?" "I don't know." She asked if I have ever been in love. I said, "well, no, not sure". I lost my voice. I couldn't speak. I just kept on saying "No, I dont know". I feel so terrible! This was my chance and I missed it. I have a great relationship with my mom and I know she would accept it (especially as it wouldn't really come as a surprise). I don't know why I cannot tell her. Any advice? What should I do? Could it be because I am still not comfortable enough with being gay? I don't know... The thing is, I just don!t know when the next opoortunity would come up for me to come out. I mean, I don't just wanna make her sit down and all of a sudden come out to her... Anyways, thank you so much for taking the time to read this, you guys are all amazing :icon_wink
I think you shouldn't wait for it to come up again. Instead, take control and decide when and how you want to tell her. Since you are having trouble saying it out loud, consider writing her a letter. There are lots of examples here on EC, and we'll all be happy to help you with it as needed.
I didn't see this thread; I actually just posted another one under "Chit Chat" about a similar topic. I had some good opportunities to come out to my friends, but I always chickened out. I wrote a few stories in that thread about my experience, and I'll copy it into here so you can see that someone else has a similar issue of not being able to say it when it comes time. My experiences with not being able to come out when I easily could have: 1. My friends were talking about the gay friends they have and hang out with at college. One of them suddenly turns to me and asks me if I like gay people. *Awkward, since I'm gay* My heart started racing and all I ended up saying was, "Yeah, of course." :icon_redf 2. Two of my other friends kept asking me what kind of guy I'd date. They were like, "Would you date an Asian guy? Would you date a black guy? Would you date a white guy?" So on and so forth. I just kept answering "no" to each one, kept my head down, and kept eating. I could've just said, "It's not about race; it's about gender." 3. I was sitting at a table with 11 of my friends (all girls). They were each talking about their "perfect guy." One of the girls then turns to me and asks me, "What's your perfect man like?" I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head and didn't say anything. My roommate then adds: "or woman?" I was so surprised she said that...maybe it meant she kinda knew. Nonetheless, I just kept quiet. I think a part of it does have to do with not being fully comfortable with ourselves yet. Until we're completely confident in our sexuality, I think it's going to be very hard to admit it out loud to other people, especially when they're really close to us and when we really care what they think. In your case, I guess the only thing you can do is wait for another time for your mom to ask...but I don't know how likely she'll ask again since she's asked so many times before. You can find some other way to segway into the topic of being gay and then tell her about yourself. Perhaps talk about something on the news about gay marriage, talk about celebrities who are gay, etc. I don't know what to do myself, so it's hard for me to offer up any good advice. But anyways, good luck and I hope you get your chance
Your mom probably already knows; to be honest, she'd have to be pretty dense not to make the connection, given that you've never had a girlfriend, you stumbled and tap-danced when asked about it, and were caught watching gay porn numerous times. This isn't rocket science here... and moms usually have a "sixth sense" anyway. So she might know and basically be rattling the closet door. Or she might mostly know but still sort of be in denial. In any case, it's not going to come as a major shock to her. I think, if it's hard to say it in writing, it might make sense to send an email, write a letter, or do something of that nature. That will at least start the conversation. It's hard, but you'll be a lot happier once it's over with.
I dribbled milk all down my chest when I read that this is almost identical to my story, except I've never been caught watching gay porn... now whenever my family mention girlfriends or something, I just roll my eyes or shake my head, but I really haven't summoned the courage to come out yet, I really badly want to but I just can't make the words come out. And the thought of writing a letter just makes me cringe... I feel like it would be more drawn out and making a bigger thing of it, I'd prefer to just nonchalantly say it and have a quick conversation and not bring it up again for a long time good luck with telling your parents though!
Same thing happened to me, minus the porn part, but regardless, I kept waiting for that opportunity. My mother did the same thing, countless times she'd asked, and I'd say no all the time. Then in my head, I thought, next time that opportunity comes, I'm going to say yes, and that opportunity did come up again. Chances are your mother really does know already, because, well, I think all mothers can tell, or most, and if she keeps asking about it, she probably knows, but wants you to confirm it. As it probably is easier to wait for that next opportunity, I know it was easier that way for me, it's probably better to come out on your own, and not wait. If you want to come out to her, you just have to wait for the right time, if you don't feel ready to, then you don't have to. You might not be comfortable now with saying it, or finding a way to, but if you wait a little longer, you probably will. I know for me, it got to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore, and I had to just tell everyone I knew. When the time is right, you'll know it, and even if you miss opportunities, if the time isn't right, it's not right.
